Trying to share more positive polyam stories in the news!!

I said on your other thread that it's a nice story and realistic. I stand by that. It touches on something about how people of the same gender might relate differently to each other and how a poly relationship may be the first time someone encounters this. I really liked it.

However, it did make me ask some questions that weren't answered in the article. I'm not saying it should have been. Was probably not a priority of the author/site. But you're here so I can ask you directly.

Do you think you or your ex meeting a man rather than a woman would have changed anything about your spouse's acceptance?

If the relationship was healthier and more sustainable, can you envisage how needs may have clashed over time?

Or do you think maybe the fact you were both in stable marriages was key to keeping your relationship with your ex from obstructing your marriage?

Finally, do you think your ex would agree with your narrative?
 
Hey! I'd love to answer your questions!

- No, I don't think the gender of the person I date has any affect - I've also dated men, and my husband was supportive there, too. He's also straight, so my husband only has relationships and hookups with women, and that doesn't change my acceptance of it either.

- Re: if the relationship had been more sustainable, I think we would have run into issues at some point with the living situation possibly. My husband is not very happy when more people are in the house (even his own parents, friends, etc.) because he's quite introverted. Whereas I would be very happy with a co-living arrangement with partners, friends, extended family, and so on. Other than that, no - mostly it was a positive impact on our respective personal needs, not a hindrance, and I don't think that would have changed in the long term.

- It could have been a factor, (the stable marriages), though I also have good relationships with my other ex partners who are not in stable marriages. For example, I have two other girlfriends who I dated for 1+ years, both of whom were more like relationship anarchists. One of them I am on very good terms with, the other one we are friendly but not friends, if that makes sense.

- Yes - she does - she read the article before I published it, and we talked at length about it while I wrote it. She's one of my best friends!
 
I really liked the part where your husband supported you during the breakup. When my wife ended a relationship that was very important to her, I wasn't able to do that at the time. It was the middle of covid; I was feeling adrift and very secondary and just didn't have the extra capacity to help her through it. I would be able to do so now. We are in a MUCH better place in every way. If she were in love with someone and that relationship ended, I would have the capacity to comfort her, which is a great feeling. I also have a much better understanding of NRE and how hard it makes it to stay attuned to your other partners. Put more simply, I've been on both sides of it now, and I'm just in a better place personally for a lot of reasons. I'm really glad your partner was able to support you and that you were able to rekindle an important friendship.
 
Thank you!! I have always appreciated his ability to empathise and to process his own feelings well enough to be able to support me. It was always me who had a hard time with it (like you), but I learned a lot from him! I think being in a good place personally (as individuals) helps a huge amount to have compassion and understanding for the other person(s) and their relationship(s).
 
leahhamiltonwriter said:
Hey! I'd love to answer your questions!

- No, I don't think the gender of the person I date has any affect - I've also dated men, and my husband was supportive there, too. He's also straight, so my husband only has relationships and hookups with women, and that doesn't change my acceptance of it either.

- Re: if the relationship had been more sustainable, I think we would have run into issues at some point with the living situation possibly. My husband is not very happy when more people are in the house (even his own parents, friends, etc.) because he's quite introverted. Whereas I would be very happy with a co-living arrangement with partners, friends, extended family, and so on. Other than that, no - mostly it was a positive impact on our respective personal needs, not a hindrance, and I don't think that would have changed in the long term.

- It could have been a factor, (the stable marriages), though I also have good relationships with my other ex partners who are not in stable marriages. For example, I have two other girlfriends who I dated for 1+ years, both of whom were more like relationship anarchists. One of them I am on very good terms with, the other one we are friendly but not friends, if that makes sense.

- Yes - she does - she read the article before I published it, and we talked at length about it while I wrote it. She's one of my best friends!
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Thanks!

You should hang around and contribute to the site. It's a small site but we're far more likely to read/share your articles if we know you a bit.
 
leahhamiltonwriter said:
Thank you!! I have always appreciated his ability to empathise and to process his own feelings well enough to be able to support me. It was always me who had a hard time with it (like you), but I learned a lot from him! I think being in a good place personally (as individuals) helps a huge amount to have compassion and understanding for the other person(s) and their relationship(s).
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Exactly. In fact, my newest partner and I have a relationship agreement (no rules...just intentions, basically). One of those intentions is that we will take care of ourselves to the best of our abilities so that we are more capable of relating to each other from a place of security and stability. That makes a huge difference.
 
SEASONEDpolyAgain said:
Thanks!

You should hang around and contribute to the site. It's a small site but we're far more likely to read/share your articles if we know you a bit.
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Yes, thank you! I would love to. I realised only recently that probably I've learned quite a lot in my experiences over the years. I'd love to contribute and share!
 
Openbook23 said:
Exactly. In fact, my newest partner and I have a relationship agreement (no rules...just intentions, basically). One of those intentions is that we will take care of ourselves to the best of our abilities so that we are more capable of relating to each other from a place of security and stability. That makes a huge difference.
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That sounds so nice, good on you both! I think it's something a lot of people don't realise (that their partner doesn't "complete" them). When you relate from a place of wholeness and self-integration, things flow a lot better...!!!
 
Hello leahhamiltonwriter,

I have read your Insider story, it is really encouraging. I like how it shows that you can break up with someone without hating them. As well as how kind and considerate your husband was toward you during the entire relationship with your ex (including the breakup). And finally, it shows that polyamorous relationships can and do work out successfully -- even the ones that end in a breakup.

Thank you for sharing!
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
No problem, thank you for sharing.
 
leahhamiltonwriter said:
Hi all - I'm writing about polyamory and trying to share more positive, healthy, loving stories on the topic. Here's my personal essay: https://www.insider.com/husband-supported-open-relationship-with-girlfriend-lgbtq-2023-5
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Like Seasoned, I have so many questions:

First of all, what is this magical Berlin lifestyle that allowed you to have very young children, a 2 year old and an infant, and still be able to go out regularly and party until 4:00 am? I know Berlin is very kink- and sex-friendly (see my Marlene Dietrich profile pic), but I don't see how one can be up until 4:00 am, then get up with the kids at 5:00 (at least, that's when many tiny ones want to get up) and start your day, taking care of them, or heading out to your day job. Without dropping dead.

What do you mean by your children's "kindergarten"? Here in the States, kindergarten is the grade that 5 and 6 year-olds attend. Maybe you meant a daycare center or nursery school.

I hear that you were "wild", dancing and partying with your new gf until the wee hours. Did you just burn out, grow up, become a more committed parent? Was that more the problem than the actual relationship dynamics?

How long ago was this? You've had several poly partners since, it seems. Do you still stay up partying until all hours? Do you have more kids? How does all that work now?
 
FYI, in New Zealand, kindergarten is what 4 year olds go to for half a day. Morning kindy for 4 to 4 1/2 and afternoon kindy for 4 1/2 to 5. You start actual school on your fifth birthday here.

Well, it was more common when there were more single income families. Nowadays full day care is much more common but it's still considered Kindy at 4 with school at 5.
 
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Evie said:
FYI, in New Zealand, kindergarten is what 4 year olds go to for half a day. Morning kindy for 4 to 4 1/2 and afternoon kindy for 4 1/2 to 5. You start actual school on your fifth birthday here.

Well, it was more common when there were more single income families. Nowadays full day care is much more common but it's still considered Kindy at 4 with school at 5.
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Thanks. Her story said they moved to Berlin when they had a 2 year old and an infant, but she met her poly partner at her childrens' kindergarten. So maybe she didn't meet her until one of her kids was age 4 or 5. But it seemed like she met her gf before that.
 
A quick Google suggests kindergarten starts at 3 in Germany.
 
Evie said:
A quick Google suggests kindergarten starts at 3 in Germany.
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AND, apparently, under German law every child is entitled to a spot (partially subsidized or free in some cities) to attend a Nursery from age 12 months on (20-45 hours a week, depending on whether parents work). Parents get up to 24 months (each) of subsidized parental leave and you are legally entitled to take time off if your kid is sick.

"American Family Values"? Try again...
 
Hey @leahhamiltonwriter - fancy a game of 2 degrees of separation? LOL. I bet if we try hard enough we could actually find a mutual acquaintance :-D
 
Magdlyn said:
Like Seasoned, I have so many questions:

First of all, what is this magical Berlin lifestyle that allowed you to have very young children, a 2 year old and an infant, and still be able to go out regularly and party until 4:00 am? I know Berlin is very kink- and sex-friendly (see my Marlene Dietrich profile pic), but I don't see how one can be up until 4:00 am, then get up with the kids at 5:00 (at least, that's when many tiny ones want to get up) and start your day, taking care of them, or heading out to your day job. Without dropping dead.

What do you mean by your children's "kindergarten"? Here in the States, kindergarten is the grade that 5 and 6 year-olds attend. Maybe you meant a daycare center or nursery school.

I hear that you were "wild", dancing and partying with your new gf until the wee hours. Did you just burn out, grow up, become a more committed parent? Was that more the problem than the actual relationship dynamics?

How long ago was this? You've had several poly partners since, it seems. Do you still stay up partying until all hours? Do you have more kids? How does all that work now?
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Hi! Sorry, I just saw this!

Here, daycare (where they were) is actually called "Kita" here, but it didn't really translate to a US audience well. Insider decided to just call it "kindergarten". My daughter started when she was 2, and my son started a couple of years later when he turned 2. The relationship with my friend started in 2018, so my son by that point was 2 years old and my daughter was 4.

I have a long term partner - i.e. the father of my children - so if I was out late, he would take them to Kita in the morning, which we'd normally go to at 10am. We share parenting with each other. We spend a lot of time together as a family, but sometimes he's busy or sometimes I'm busy. Like normal people, I think? There were definitely occasional days where I was out until 4am and then had to get up at 8am to get them ready for Kita and take them, but it was definitely rare because it just sucked. Mostly I would go out on a Friday or Saturday when we would all sleep in in the morning, anyway.

I also don't have a day job - I'm a freelancer. So I work my hours when I want to, which means if I went out late and partied, I could just take the next day off from work. I'd be fit again to pick up my kids from Kita by 3pm.

I didn't burn out at all. But the pandemic definitely stopped all the partying fun. I'm a very committed parent, and random internet people's opinions aren't going to change my own perspective of my parenting, nor the perspectives of the people who actually know me (and know that I love my kids dearly, and spend huge amounts of time with them). I don't need to justify anything to anyone - my kids are happy and loved by many people and I'm content with our lifestyle :)

Yes, I have various partners at various times. I go out rarely now, because the partying lifestyle gets a bit boring at a certain point. Now... I don't know, life is just different. I spend a lot of time reading, writing, doing stuff with the kids, spending time with friends. I go out partying probably once every 2 months at this point, it's very rare these days that I stay up all night. I'm tired!
 
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JaneQSmythe said:
AND, apparently, under German law every child is entitled to a spot (partially subsidized or free in some cities) to attend a Nursery from age 12 months on (20-45 hours a week, depending on whether parents work). Parents get up to 24 months (each) of subsidized parental leave and you are legally entitled to take time off if your kid is sick.

"American Family Values"? Try again...
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This is correct - all children are entitled to basically full time care. We were entitled to care from 8am until 3pm for both kids at a forest kindergarten (called a "Waldkita"), but we didn't always use all the hours because I work freelance, so it was flexible for me to pick them up whenever we wanted to go to a playground or swim at the lakes in summer :)
 
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