Why do I feel like a monster?

[kdt26417]

I don't know quite what to advise, your situation is very complicated. I believe in the process of repentence, but in this case your ex-boyfriend has a tremendously difficult process to go through. You could be there for him as a friend, but I would hold off on anything further than that.

 

[BoringGuy]

I wonder why the OP feels some sort of duty toward this "almost-but-not-quite" child molester.

I have seen this in real life. My extended network of acquaintances includes a guy who is a registered sex offender (the specific incident involved exposing himself to two 10-year-old girls and i think it was plea-bargained down to "lewd & lascivious behaviour"; I'm not sure what "level" that is). There are people (such as myself) who have "zero-tolerance" for this sort of thing, and there are others who think that this person should be tolerated in the name of being "open-minded".

I don't understand it. One would think that with over 7 billion people in the world, you could find someone better than this. He's the "monster" - not the OP.

 

[lovefromgirl]

It's weird. I used to have no trouble dropping people like bad habits. I've broken off total contact with people I was involved with or just friends with for shit that's benign by comparison to all this. I haven't been in denial about any of the horrible things I've mentioned here... but I've had a hard time walking away. It's not getting easier.

Well, it wouldn't. It's a church, with people you say you trust now (wait until their next lapse in judgment -- they missed your ex high and wide!) and a message, I'm sure, of Love and Open Arms and All That Jazz What Hides the Fire and Brimstone. There are some charismatic charismatics out there, you know what I mean?

His wife is moving out of their house. He tried to kill himself last Tuesday.

I'm torn between "pity he failed" and "good, now he gets to live with his guilt". I don't take kindly to predators. Lock them away and throw the key into Mount Doom.

The ministers wrote him a note of support.

...what.

This church? This church needs to not be in your life. They cannot, in one breath, scold him for trying to prey on their youth group and in the next send him support. What would the young victim in all this say if she knew the ministers "wrote him a note of support"?

 

[BoringGuy]

Well, it wouldn't. It's a church, with people you say you trust now (wait until their next lapse in judgment -- they missed your ex high and wide!) and a message, I'm sure, of Love and Open Arms and All That Jazz What Hides the Fire and Brimstone. There are some charismatic charismatics out there, you know what I mean?



I'm torn between "pity he failed" and "good, now he gets to live with his guilt". I don't take kindly to predators. Lock them away and throw the key into Mount Doom.



...what.

This church? This church needs to not be in your life. They cannot, in one breath, scold him for trying to prey on their youth group and in the next send him support. What would the young victim in all this say if she knew the ministers "wrote him a note of support"?

Well, this IS the "Christian" thing to do, but long story short? This is exactly one reason why Jesus is not MY "lord and saviour".

 

[Valentine]

Dude's been a youth group adviser at the church for something like 4-5 years. He's great at it. He cares very deeply about the kids and has helped a lot of them through very difficult things like substance abuse, sexual assault, horrible parenting, eating disorders, questioning sexual orientation, mental/emotional disability, etc. And this is not the first time a kid has gotten a crush on him. He's always maintained good boundaries in the past. This time, he didn't. He got too close, enjoyed her attention too much, and started secretly reciprocating. It was a lot simpler than the relationships he had with adult women. He figured it was ok because it wasn't sexual. He was wrong.

The kid in question wouldn't describe herself as a victim. She actually tried to take on responsibility for it, which says to me she thinks of herself as an accomplice more than anything else. I tried to talk her down from it. I think it helped a little. That was before the ministers talked with her and her parents.

The ministers have since reached out to everyone involved. Dude is suicidal... if they didn't offer support to him and encourage him to continue therapy, they'd be lax in their duties.

As a side note - This isn't a Christian church, really. My UU church is comprised mostly of secular humanists, with a smattering of Buddhists, pagans, and liberal mostly-ex-Christians. The religion's roots are in some old branches of Christianity, but there's little talk of god or Jesus. We have more sermons on immigrant rights and water justice.