I won't rehash my story here. I gave the condensed version on my introduction. My wife came home from her first open date with our friend. I pumped myself up all night. Read articles. Told myself it was going to be ok. The moment she came into my our room I was very nervous. She could tell. A wave of emotion overtook me. I kind of shook it off. I was feeling very empty. I leaned over and kissed her. For the first time ever in 15 years with her... I could taste another man in her kiss. I stupidly mentioned it and pissed her off. Needless to say... She's mad at me... I left to get a drink (a soda... No worries lol) to let her fall asleep so my anxiety wouldn't keep her up. I'm so upset for so many reasons. I mad at myself for letting my emotions get the best of me. I want this to work so bad for her. I'm mad at her for not having more patience... We talked about how hard this was going to be for me at first. What is wrong with me????? My heart knows this is ok... My head is winning and it's going to fuck up everything if I'm not careful. Sorry... I'm very emotional right now. I'm so mad at myself. She was so happy coming home and I ruined her good mood. I wish I could get a better grip. It's so upsetting to me. Ugh. I hope this gets easier.
Well that sucked...
- Thread starter jdicky700
- Start date
Hey there,
I feel like you are beating yourself up a bit unnecessarily here, and also that her reaction wasn't entirely compassionate. You are going through some big changes together as a couple, and individually, and it's OKAY for things to not go perfectly when you try something new for the first time. Or even first bunch of times.
I'm hyper-sensitive to smell, and even after a few years of being part of an open relationship, I still get squicked when my girlfriend comes home and I can smell her partners bedsheets/sex/whatever on her. It can be a mood killer (and was!) to bring it up, but if the alternative is you are left turning and twisting unable to sleep next to the person you love because you are triggered by something physical and easy to deal with, then that's just stupid. We talked about it, and now the first thing either of us do when we come home from a date is to take a nice shower. In fact, having that time to ourselves between dates is actually good for the other person too I think, because it allows us to process the change from one partner to another. A little 'coming home' ritual if you will. We consider it a kind of post-date after care, and I think that's something that a lot of people do here on the forum. Every couple is different. For us, the shower thing is both practical and symbolic. I know that sometimes it can just be a feeling of emotional distance that has built up, not an actual physical thing I'm sensing. The shower thing feels grounding, and I see it as a gesture on her part showing her desire to switch her focus to us now.
It sounds kind of nuts when I type it out, but it helps me immensely. No matter how comfortable I get while she's actually on a date, that moment of re-entry is still hard for me. Over time, I imagine it will become easier on its own, but for now this is a nice compromise/baby step to getting my head and heart to align to where I want them to be (i.e. feeling happy for her, and not distant from her). Maybe when she wakes up and you guys talk about it when you're both calmer, you can figure out if something like that would be appropriate next time. You both need to become a little more robust to each others reactions. I sense you feel guilty or like you ruined her lovely evening. She might also feel like that too. That's not healthy, and I think you both need to take a wider perspective at times such as these. Just as you know you can be angry with someone when you are arguing but still love them deeply, so too can you have a lovely evening, and separate to that, have one bad moment. You wouldn't throw your toys out of the pram over an argument and conclude you no longer loved your partner, would you? So why conclude that one part of one evening ruins the rest? This takes time to sink in too, but you'll get there.
I feel like you are beating yourself up a bit unnecessarily here, and also that her reaction wasn't entirely compassionate. You are going through some big changes together as a couple, and individually, and it's OKAY for things to not go perfectly when you try something new for the first time. Or even first bunch of times.
I'm hyper-sensitive to smell, and even after a few years of being part of an open relationship, I still get squicked when my girlfriend comes home and I can smell her partners bedsheets/sex/whatever on her. It can be a mood killer (and was!) to bring it up, but if the alternative is you are left turning and twisting unable to sleep next to the person you love because you are triggered by something physical and easy to deal with, then that's just stupid. We talked about it, and now the first thing either of us do when we come home from a date is to take a nice shower. In fact, having that time to ourselves between dates is actually good for the other person too I think, because it allows us to process the change from one partner to another. A little 'coming home' ritual if you will. We consider it a kind of post-date after care, and I think that's something that a lot of people do here on the forum. Every couple is different. For us, the shower thing is both practical and symbolic. I know that sometimes it can just be a feeling of emotional distance that has built up, not an actual physical thing I'm sensing. The shower thing feels grounding, and I see it as a gesture on her part showing her desire to switch her focus to us now.
It sounds kind of nuts when I type it out, but it helps me immensely. No matter how comfortable I get while she's actually on a date, that moment of re-entry is still hard for me. Over time, I imagine it will become easier on its own, but for now this is a nice compromise/baby step to getting my head and heart to align to where I want them to be (i.e. feeling happy for her, and not distant from her). Maybe when she wakes up and you guys talk about it when you're both calmer, you can figure out if something like that would be appropriate next time. You both need to become a little more robust to each others reactions. I sense you feel guilty or like you ruined her lovely evening. She might also feel like that too. That's not healthy, and I think you both need to take a wider perspective at times such as these. Just as you know you can be angry with someone when you are arguing but still love them deeply, so too can you have a lovely evening, and separate to that, have one bad moment. You wouldn't throw your toys out of the pram over an argument and conclude you no longer loved your partner, would you? So why conclude that one part of one evening ruins the rest? This takes time to sink in too, but you'll get there.
InfinitePossibility
New member
Give yourself a break. Your wife had an affair with this guy which you've not long found out about. Why would you expect to be okay with her dating him so soon afterwards?
OP, you're doing awesome. You have already gone above and beyond what most husbands would, so relax, take it easy on yourself. Maybe next time, put a bit of space between her date and yourself, give her time to shower, each of you take a bit of alone time, THEN reengage.
I am sorry you struggle.
You are going from a cheating affair to a poly V. It is expected for things to feel rough. That is not an easy situation.
Cut yourself a break.
Sounds like you had a need to feel close and connected to her.
That's your observation. Fair enough.
She's mad because you observe something true? The timing may not have been ideal, but you cannot be perfect. She could have asked what your need was in the moment. Or you could say you need to feel close. To me it sounds like you were expressing sadness.
Could focus on what you want more of (connection) Rather than focus on what you are not enjoying (emotional distance - with them on a date, you struggling, her tasting like other guy kisses, etc. )
And go easier on yourself.
If she's expecting you to be all hunky dory instantly with you being in a a poly V with her and her cheating partner (even if you like them both) she is being unrealistic. There's damage to be repaired and she could be kinder when she observes you struggling.
No you didn't. You expressed YOUR sadness. You are dealing with poly hell things.
She's signed up to cheat, and now she's signed up to be a hinge. Part of the price of admission in that situation is going to be tending to a sad partner in the V for a while as everyone heals from the affair.
She's being less than empathetic and patient if she cannot see things from your POV.
Things have changed for you. And maybe she's on Track A, but you are on Track B in the stages of emotional change.
http://www.eoslifework.co.uk/Images/fut1.gif
This is simply going to take some TIME. It's going to feel roller coaster for a while. I encourage you to seek a poly counselor to support you through this transition.
Galagirl
You are going from a cheating affair to a poly V. It is expected for things to feel rough. That is not an easy situation.
Cut yourself a break.
Sounds like you had a need to feel close and connected to her.
That's your observation. Fair enough.
She's mad because you observe something true? The timing may not have been ideal, but you cannot be perfect. She could have asked what your need was in the moment. Or you could say you need to feel close. To me it sounds like you were expressing sadness.
Could focus on what you want more of (connection) Rather than focus on what you are not enjoying (emotional distance - with them on a date, you struggling, her tasting like other guy kisses, etc. )
And go easier on yourself.
If she's expecting you to be all hunky dory instantly with you being in a a poly V with her and her cheating partner (even if you like them both) she is being unrealistic. There's damage to be repaired and she could be kinder when she observes you struggling.
No you didn't. You expressed YOUR sadness. You are dealing with poly hell things.
She's signed up to cheat, and now she's signed up to be a hinge. Part of the price of admission in that situation is going to be tending to a sad partner in the V for a while as everyone heals from the affair.
She's being less than empathetic and patient if she cannot see things from your POV.
Things have changed for you. And maybe she's on Track A, but you are on Track B in the stages of emotional change.
http://www.eoslifework.co.uk/Images/fut1.gif
This is simply going to take some TIME. It's going to feel roller coaster for a while. I encourage you to seek a poly counselor to support you through this transition.
Galagirl
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her reaction
I would say her reaction is a bit of guilt and her being disappointed with her own behavior. Much easier to lash out at someone else.
When I was younger, dinosaurs roaming, I would have a similar situation, but be the one covered in another's smell. Raised on that White Charger, sweep her off her feet and off into the sunset (I guess from the back the other women were hidden by my broad shoulders!)
So, at some point she made this "promise" broke her word and now she got reminded of how much. Not some...I got to see my hot bf and I come back home and everything is easy....No! My Thoughtless bastard of a husband reminds me that I have just been fucking another guy! Reminds me I am not pristine! Bastard!
Some one mentioned in another post that he had never seen a monogamous-go poly survive. I have but it takes both people to be huge people.
I would say her reaction is a bit of guilt and her being disappointed with her own behavior. Much easier to lash out at someone else.
When I was younger, dinosaurs roaming, I would have a similar situation, but be the one covered in another's smell. Raised on that White Charger, sweep her off her feet and off into the sunset (I guess from the back the other women were hidden by my broad shoulders!)
So, at some point she made this "promise" broke her word and now she got reminded of how much. Not some...I got to see my hot bf and I come back home and everything is easy....No! My Thoughtless bastard of a husband reminds me that I have just been fucking another guy! Reminds me I am not pristine! Bastard!
Some one mentioned in another post that he had never seen a monogamous-go poly survive. I have but it takes both people to be huge people.
I am sorry to be off topic, but why is there a huge crisis six months in after a positive event?
I think doesn't have to be 6 mos. Could be earlier or later. It also doesn't have to be "crisis" like "911 emergency." The emotional dip might not be that deep or even noticed or last that long depending on the situation and persons involved. Keep in mind the chart has to have space for the text to be written on it and it's just a visual aid.
When positive changes happen you get a little "whee!" thrill. Adrenalin and other hormones are fueling the "whee!" You graduate, buy a new car, have a baby, whatever exciting thing. But usually the "whee!" of it wears off and real life sets in. You come off the "whee!" cloud and that could be experienced as a small dip down or a big dip down depending on the situation.
Take this situation. For OP, this change is coping with negative change. His friendship and marriage relationships took a ding and not from his behavior.
The wife and the BF are having positive change. (Coming clean) is positive change from (cheating). Not as positive as not cheating in the first place, but the feelings of
help bring some "whee!" feelings to it that helps offset the yuckier feelings of
It's not like it cancels for a net +2. The negatives are not gone. They will still have to be dealt with in time. Just that their initial experience is going to feel more "buoyed up" than OP's right now. And as some of the "whee!" stuff fades, over time they might experience a dip down.
Galagirl
When positive changes happen you get a little "whee!" thrill. Adrenalin and other hormones are fueling the "whee!" You graduate, buy a new car, have a baby, whatever exciting thing. But usually the "whee!" of it wears off and real life sets in. You come off the "whee!" cloud and that could be experienced as a small dip down or a big dip down depending on the situation.
Take this situation. For OP, this change is coping with negative change. His friendship and marriage relationships took a ding and not from his behavior.
The wife and the BF are having positive change. (Coming clean) is positive change from (cheating). Not as positive as not cheating in the first place, but the feelings of
- relief not to have to hide
- free from stress of being caught
- joy in getting to be together openly
- joy in being free to express NRE openly
help bring some "whee!" feelings to it that helps offset the yuckier feelings of
- dealing with post cheating issues
- not sure if this will work out after all
It's not like it cancels for a net +2. The negatives are not gone. They will still have to be dealt with in time. Just that their initial experience is going to feel more "buoyed up" than OP's right now. And as some of the "whee!" stuff fades, over time they might experience a dip down.
Galagirl
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GalaGirl said:
Yes, I can see how OP and his wife are on different tracks.
Thank you very much for clarification. So I guess that is a (possibly more gentle) example of the the same principle as "what goes up must come down" with bipolar people, or possibly being low on energy after getting all excited and enjoying oneself at an event, or subdrop after a scene. Just on different timescales.
So time really is the answer it seems. I am open to this... Just feel like I'm being rushed a bit. She doesn't want to slow down (they've already been at this for a while lol) so I need to try and speed my emotions up. I think it might be my mindset. I need to try and find all the positives in this.
Ravenscroft
Banned
Mostly dead-on summary by Dickdomin.
I can be a touch more blunt: you're a drama queen (as am I), & your SO's reaction to your insecurity was somewhat dickish. Not that there's anything "wrong" with either -- much less insurmountable or catastrophic -- so long as you do NOT let these tendencies drag you around by the nose(s).
You must know that your "trying to be calm" was actually working yourself up. As mentalist Derren Brown demonstrated, it's easy to plant "don't" thoughts in a subject's mind that actually CAUSE the negative behaviors to happen.
As for your SO. I had a partner of some years who unintentionally showed me something similar. If something bugged me but I was wrong, she'd smile softly, maybe shake her head, & hug me warmly -- she was confident in herself. But if I expressed even the least little doubt about something she did, & she knew she was busted, she'd practically take my head off!!
Your partner has expanded her life, & needs to learn how to manage that without societal baggage of "cheating" -- I've seen plenty of polyfolk who, given openness & freedom, eventually return to furtiveness. Combating that might mean setting some simple ground rules. When my spouse & I set out to turn our open relationship into something structured & long-lasting, I said "no diseases, no babies, & no cheating. If a boyfriend pulls the 'hey baby, why don't you dump him & move in with me' card, he gets ONE warning to not do it again; if it recurs, then he doesn't respect you enough to hear what you're saying, & you can certainly find better." She broke off two relationships in exactly than manner; one guy I kinda liked, too, but he just didn't Get It.
Meanwhile, you need to expand your life as well, so that you don't feel abandoned when the two of you aren't "joined at the hip." And beating yourself up for a less-than-perfect reaction is just MORE of that "don't" stuff that only tightens the regime.
I can be a touch more blunt: you're a drama queen (as am I), & your SO's reaction to your insecurity was somewhat dickish. Not that there's anything "wrong" with either -- much less insurmountable or catastrophic -- so long as you do NOT let these tendencies drag you around by the nose(s).
You must know that your "trying to be calm" was actually working yourself up. As mentalist Derren Brown demonstrated, it's easy to plant "don't" thoughts in a subject's mind that actually CAUSE the negative behaviors to happen.
As for your SO. I had a partner of some years who unintentionally showed me something similar. If something bugged me but I was wrong, she'd smile softly, maybe shake her head, & hug me warmly -- she was confident in herself. But if I expressed even the least little doubt about something she did, & she knew she was busted, she'd practically take my head off!!
Your partner has expanded her life, & needs to learn how to manage that without societal baggage of "cheating" -- I've seen plenty of polyfolk who, given openness & freedom, eventually return to furtiveness. Combating that might mean setting some simple ground rules. When my spouse & I set out to turn our open relationship into something structured & long-lasting, I said "no diseases, no babies, & no cheating. If a boyfriend pulls the 'hey baby, why don't you dump him & move in with me' card, he gets ONE warning to not do it again; if it recurs, then he doesn't respect you enough to hear what you're saying, & you can certainly find better." She broke off two relationships in exactly than manner; one guy I kinda liked, too, but he just didn't Get It.
Meanwhile, you need to expand your life as well, so that you don't feel abandoned when the two of you aren't "joined at the hip." And beating yourself up for a less-than-perfect reaction is just MORE of that "don't" stuff that only tightens the regime.
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nycindie
Active member
I would suggest you give your wife a little space after a date so she can adjust to being back home with you, take a shower, brush her teeth, etc., instead of pouncing on her as soon as she walks in the door. Many polyfolk like a bit of transition period in between lovers and spouses.
vinsanity0
Active member
I would say your comment about "tasting another man" (Really?) minutes after she walked in the door from her first date was taken as a challenge of the whole deal. At least that is how I would have taken it. Like you were giving her a hard time about seeing another guy. I haven't read your intro yet, but I am assuming you (rightly) gave her some grief for cheating (as mentioned by another poster). Surely you can understand why she would be on the defensive.
If you want to smooth things over you should apologize for the remark. It was a shitty thing to say. Like others have said, give her a little space when she gets home. To do otherwise makes you appear needy.
The biggest thing that helped me get over jealousy was compersion. I love my wife, why wouldn't I be happy that she had a good time? That is the realization I came to.
The other thing was the realization that she didn't have to keep me around, whether we were poly or not. The fact is she wants me and I want her. It took a little while for that to sink in with both of us.
If you want to smooth things over you should apologize for the remark. It was a shitty thing to say. Like others have said, give her a little space when she gets home. To do otherwise makes you appear needy.
The biggest thing that helped me get over jealousy was compersion. I love my wife, why wouldn't I be happy that she had a good time? That is the realization I came to.
The other thing was the realization that she didn't have to keep me around, whether we were poly or not. The fact is she wants me and I want her. It took a little while for that to sink in with both of us.
Queenoftheasylum
New member
I am coming at this from a different angle that other posters seem to be. I too entered into a poly V as the result of an affair. Difference is this is not my first poly experience. The King never understood poly until he fell for a coworker but instead of coming to me cheated.
Right now you are going through a lot. You want this to work, but you are feeling very vulnerable. This is not just a new relationship, but one in which your wife risked your marriage for behind your back. It's a tough situation.
You are going to be feeling a lot of things for a while, and all of them valid. Was your comment off putting to your wife? Yeah, but was it honest? Absolutely! Just put a pause on the self blame for a minute and think about what you meant by the comment, and ultimately what the desired outcome was. Perhaps when the dust settles say something like " I am sorry if my comment upset you, it wasn't my intention. I felt xyz at that moment I could have handled it better. It really upset me to taste another when I kissed you, would it be possible for you to chew gum, have a mint etc on the way home?"
The problem wasn't WHAT you were saying it was how you said it I think. It has been my experience that affairs have a root in some cause, what that is varies. Moving to a poly situation in these cases is filled with its own problems. For my family, the affair and resulting poly V really enabled us to pinpoint issues we didn't know we're issues and to fix them. The marriage is now stronger, happier and healthier than it has ever been, and in that regard we have been fortunate.
Right now you are going through a lot. You want this to work, but you are feeling very vulnerable. This is not just a new relationship, but one in which your wife risked your marriage for behind your back. It's a tough situation.
You are going to be feeling a lot of things for a while, and all of them valid. Was your comment off putting to your wife? Yeah, but was it honest? Absolutely! Just put a pause on the self blame for a minute and think about what you meant by the comment, and ultimately what the desired outcome was. Perhaps when the dust settles say something like " I am sorry if my comment upset you, it wasn't my intention. I felt xyz at that moment I could have handled it better. It really upset me to taste another when I kissed you, would it be possible for you to chew gum, have a mint etc on the way home?"
The problem wasn't WHAT you were saying it was how you said it I think. It has been my experience that affairs have a root in some cause, what that is varies. Moving to a poly situation in these cases is filled with its own problems. For my family, the affair and resulting poly V really enabled us to pinpoint issues we didn't know we're issues and to fix them. The marriage is now stronger, happier and healthier than it has ever been, and in that regard we have been fortunate.
Ravenscroft
Banned
This only bugs me just now.
Um. How exactly do you KNOW what "another man" tastes like...?
vinsanity0
Active member
This only bugs me just now.
Um. How exactly do you KNOW what "another man" tastes like...?
He doesn't. It's psychological. She was having an affair before and he didn't think she tasted funny.
Hi jdicky700,
It sounds like you have recovered somewhat from your upset, so that's good. I think it's important to not beat yourself up every time you make a mistake. Mistake-making is actually one of the brain's most valuable tools for learning. So, if you screw up, try to just say, "Oops," and hope to do better the next time. Or, maybe it will take a bunch of tries. That's okay, really.
You have been forgiving and understanding about your wife's affair, and now you need her to be forgiving and understanding toward you. Don't be afraid to ask her for that.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
It sounds like you have recovered somewhat from your upset, so that's good.
I think it's important to not beat yourself up every time you make a mistake. Mistake-making is actually one of the brain's most valuable tools for learning. So, if you screw up, try to just say, "Oops," and hope to do better the next time. Or, maybe it will take a bunch of tries. That's okay, really.You have been forgiving and understanding about your wife's affair, and now you need her to be forgiving and understanding toward you. Don't be afraid to ask her for that.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
YouAreHere
Well-known member
This only bugs me just now.
Um. How exactly do you KNOW what "another man" tastes like...?
So, if we're speculating re. people's emotions and intentions here, maybe because she was having an affair, she would have been a bit more careful to erase signs of being with someone else?
Honestly, the sense of smell is a huge portion of our sense of taste. It's not unheard of to smell another person's scent on a partner. To equate that to a change in taste when you kiss your partner (especially now when there's no need to hide the relationship) isn't a stretch.
You may not agree with the way in which this is being dealt with by OP, but let's give the guy a break and admit that yes, it is possible to detect a change in smell or taste in someone. It's not unheard of for people to shower after a date for this very reason.
I have to agree with Queenoftheasylum - it's probably the way in which things were said that caused the problem. Maybe, after emotions die down and cooler heads prevail, you can ask for this, jdicky700? Maybe even a toothbrushing too, if that helps.