Trust My Metamour?

Ahem; yeah. We've talked a bit about that vasectomy thing in this thread, and ... it looks like it's just not on the table. :(

Re:
"Kevin -- I don't think that she can actually be tested, at this point, to see if she really did stop taking birth control, however, pregnancy hormones do stick around for a while (usually several weeks) after a termination."
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Hmmm; interesting ...

Okay, so a test would confirm her story if the result is positive, but if the test is negative, then it neither confirms nor denies her story.

Re:
"Frankly, I don't see the point of even bothering to confirm her story. It would have been unethical to let someone believe you were on birth control when you weren't ... so would adding lying to the list of wrongs even make a difference at this point?"
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Heh, she's definitely been fibbing somewhere along the way.
 
It sounds to me like your husband is pretty cruel.

Did you willingly agree to poly, or did you get the poly bomb dropped on you and told this is what he 'needed' because he 'is' poly?

I think he's (also?) being very cruel to her to engage in a relationship that is bound to get her emotions stirred up and wanting more, bound to have her falling in love and wanting to see more of him, wanting a life with him, taking her time and energy away from finding someone who can really be a complete life partner to her, and then tell her she's number two and always will be.

That's just really a cruel way to treat another human being.
 
Your husband chose not to use condoms with this woman. Using condoms would have greatly reduced the chance of him impregnating her. Due to his choice not to use condoms and the relative unreliability of the pill, it's hard to say a) she didn't conceive and b) he wasn't responsible for any conception.

Consulting the father of the baby is a nice thing to do, yes, but given that you made it clear that a baby would be completely unwelcome, I don't see the point of telling him if she had chosen not to continue the pregnancy. Would you have let him support her through the termination like he would you if you decided not to continue a pregnancy? Or would your anger and disappointment at the conception occurring at all have taken precedence? I think it's quite normal for women to distance themselves from the man who impregnated them when they have an abortion. Unless they are able to actively support the woman, they really aren't much use at such an emotionally fraught time.

I think it's really quite cruel to assume this woman is lying or being manipulation simply because she is saying a pregnancy happened. Unless you take the pill in a very specific way, it's efficiency is compromised and the man in this situation chose not to do all he could to prevent a pregnancy from happening. I see him as equally responsible for any conception that did occur and I find it very disappointing that people are seeking to vilify her. I feel sorry for any woman who has to go through a termination on her own and it feels even worse when it seems that her being the secondary partner was instrumental in the fact that she wasn't able to turn to her partner for support. It's as if she was being told "you slept with a married man and these are the consequences: pregnant, alone and resented".
 
I've been struggling with how to reply to some of the responses. It's been a tough 48 hours. I've been hoping clarity would come with time, but honestly I've been more obsessed with trying to figure out when and where it happened. I know it's silly and really doesn't matter, but I am obsessed with details in general.

Kevin - as much as I'd love proof, my man believes her and I think I'm going to have to leave it at that.

NYCindie - I've asked him in the past if he'd like to read my posts. He has read a couple but found it hard. Many of the things in this post we have discussed though.

Jane - he has now agreed to condom use with her. I expected to be met with resistance when I brought it up, but he was agreeable, where in the past he had not been. I'm happy with this and the condoms have already been purchased!

What Happened - I wouldn't say willingly, but I wasn't forced either. I made a decision to support him in this many years ago. I'm mono though, so I would not be disappointed if one day he decided he wasn't happy being poly anymore. I don't think that day will come and I'm ok with that.


Mighty Max - he trusted her to take her pills. She admitted that she stopped taking them and never told him. Yes, it takes two to make a baby, but to me this seems deceptive on her part. Had she consulted him before aborting, I would have encouraged him to keep the baby and support her through it all. If she had kept it, I would have asked him to move out and presumably in with her although he said he would not have. The baby comes first. It would be too much for me to handle and I would have distanced myself from the relationship but probably waited for divorce until after the baby came. So, she would not have been pregnant and alone and the only one resenting her would have been me, which she could give a rat's ass about.
 
Okay well we'll assume that if her story about the cessation of birth control and subsequent pregnancy and termination were true, then she must just be a little loopy and/or confused about what she wants and how she can go about getting it.

It's good that your husband has agreed to use condoms. Better late than never! Maybe that'll open the way for things to run more smoothly in the future.
 
LovelyLady said:
Mighty Max - he trusted her to take her pills. She admitted that she stopped taking them and never told him. Yes, it takes two to make a baby, but to me this seems deceptive on her part. Had she consulted him before aborting, I would have encouraged him to keep the baby and support her through it all. If she had kept it, I would have asked him to move out and presumably in with her although he said he would not have. The baby comes first. It would be too much for me to handle and I would have distanced myself from the relationship but probably waited for divorce until after the baby came. So, she would not have been pregnant and alone and the only one resenting her would have been me, which she could give a rat's ass about.
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LovelyLady, I, too, would interpret stopping birth control without notification as deceptive. I will say that given her previous statements about wanting a baby with your husband, that it isn't a surprise. Glad he has wised up enough to start using condoms. Does he now understand why you have trust issues regarding her motives?
 
bookbug said:
Does he now understand why you have trust issues regarding her motives?
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Book bug - I think he does, to some degree, because he said he doesn't fully trust her now either. However, he has said he doesn't understand why I'm so upset about it, since it's been "taken care of". As far as the birth control goes, his attitude is that accidents happen. Mine is that she was deceptive and either irresponsible or manipulative. His attitude on the abortion is that although he would have preferred to be consulted, it's her body and she probably did us a favor. I probably would have left him had she kept the baby, but that doesn't mean I wanted her to abort. I can't stop thinking about her harming my husband's child and wondering if she's even telling the truth.
 
Your husband chose not to do everything he could to stop any conception. He knows that any pregnancy that occurred would be under her complete control. He weighed up those risks beforehand. As someone else said, he didn't view pregnancy as the devastating thing that you did, whether she continued the pregnancy or not. If he did see it as a terrible thing that shouldn't happen, he would have done everything he could to prevent it.

You have to accept that he made an informed choice to risk this conception happening. He knew that might mean he ends up with a baby or that she would abort a pregnancy which was conceived using his sperm. The two of them made a choice to risk pregnancy, it seems that she made a further choice to encourage pregnancy.

Rather than fretting about the lack or choice she gave your husband over her body, I would be fretting over the fact my husband wouldn't do all he could to prevent a conception despite knowing that it would greatly upset me.

In my opinion, a conscientious partner who didn't want to have a baby would have uses condoms simply because they knew how a conception would affect our relationship. It would be different if they wanted (more) children but if they assured me that they didn't and was still reluctant to use barrier contraception with someone who has made it clear they want a baby, it would be obvious that my concerns are irrelevant to them.

It seems like you're desperately trying to make her out to be the bad person here, and maybe she is a bad person. However, you're not in a relationship with her and how your husband has behaved is far from perfect. Sorting that out should surely be the priority. He could have essentially changed the scope of your relationship forever just because he refused to take responsibility for preventing pregnancy. That's a huge thing.
 
LovelyLady, you will never know the truth - even if she comes back and says it never happened, you won't know the truth because she has proven to be dishonest. Regardless, NONE of it was within your control in any case. It is not your relationship. You were not consulted. So I recommend the practical thing: stop worrying about a fetus that may or may not have existed. You can't change what may or may not have happened. Concerning yourself with alternate realities takes your focus off the here and now.

While I have a lot of distaste for the childish antics of your husband's gf, sadly, Mighty Max does make an excellent argument for your husband's shared culpability. Perhaps your husband should read this thread?
 
kdt26417 said:
bookbug said:
"Perhaps your husband should read this thread?"
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Now that's a thought ...
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Yes, and one I have suggested twice in this thread already.

OP, sometimes a person will automatically dismiss or take lightly an opinion of their partner because they have convinced themselves that too much is being made over a particular issue, especially if they see their partner as often overreacting or somehow too demanding - when really, underneath it all, it is simply avoidance. However, the opinions and perspectives of other people, third parties without a stake in the outcome, can really be an eye-opener to someone who is telling themselves it shouldn't be such a big deal. Your husband has not been using much common sense nor consideration in this at all, and needs to wake up.

You can always go to the bar at the top of the thread, click on "Thread Tools" and then "Show Printable Version," print it out, and leave it on the table for him to read with his morning coffee.
 
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Sounds like a good idea. :eek:
 
This pregnancy/abortion thing should be more than enough to open the vasectomy conversation again. If it were me, I'd request he didn't see her anymore and have him read this thread. If he insists, a vasectomy is not too much to expect.

Imo, she is being way too manipulative to be considered a safe or reasonable partner. I hope your hubby isn't too distracted by her youth to see the truth.
 
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