My New Chapter

[alibabe_muse]

link to first blog

I thought I'd put the link to my first ever blog in here for reference. I may write about things from the past. I'm so over that but for learning more about myself, reading this helps me constructively deal with current feelers.

Now I hope I put this in here correctly. I recall these was some "special" way to go about it. Maybe it's easier than I think. We will see.

Here is my first blog:

http://www.polyamory.sbs/forum/showthread.php?t=53195

 

[Magdlyn]

I thought I'd put the link to my first ever blog in here for reference. I may write about things from the past. I'm so over that but for learning more about myself, reading this helps me constructively deal with current feelers.

Now I hope I put this in here correctly. I recall these was some "special" way to go about it. Maybe it's easier than I think. We will see.

Here is my first blog:

http://www.polyamory.sbs/forum/showthread.php?t=53195

That worked.

I have a question. I'm not sure I read your blog the first time, but I did read bassman's posts. He seemed to indicate a reason you two broke up was your involvement in a mega church? You haven't mentioned that recently. Am I wrong or was that a big part of your life? And now it isn't?

 

[alibabe_muse]

wrong bassman

That worked.

I have a question. I'm not sure I read your blog the first time, but I did read bassman's posts. He seemed to indicate a reason you two broke up was your involvement in a mega church? You haven't mentioned that recently. Am I wrong or was that a big part of your life? And now it isn't?

Mags - my "Bassman" is someone different here now. In my blogs I didn't use his profile name from here. My ex's profile here is "blueeyeddevil" http://www.polyamory.sbs/forum/member.php?u=94119. I saw a user profile with the name "Bassman" but he signed up after I had here. Possibly a few years.

You had read my previous blog as you were one of a few who commented to me on some posts I believe. My previous blog is from July 2013 to Aug 2014.

I've been trying to get caught up on you though. There's so much to read.

 

[alibabe_muse]

blog from temp profile

So for the full encompassed history, here is my other block under a different name. I explain why I had to do that in this posting. But it's still a part of me so I want to include it here, again, for myself. Going back over my history is making the present feel so much of a warmer place in my life.

http://www.polyamory.sbs/forum/showthread.php?t=70764

 

[Magdlyn]

Mags - my "Bassman" is someone different here now. In my blogs I didn't use his profile name from here. My ex's profile here is "blueeyeddevil" http://www.polyamory.sbs/forum/member.php?u=94119. I saw a user profile with the name "Bassman" but he signed up after I had here. Possibly a few years.

You had read my previous blog as you were one of a few who commented to me on some posts I believe. My previous blog is from July 2013 to Aug 2014.

I've been trying to get caught up on you though. There's so much to read.

Thanks!

 

[JaneQSmythe]

That worked.

I have a question. I'm not sure I read your blog the first time, but I did read bassman's posts. He seemed to indicate a reason you two broke up was your involvement in a mega church? You haven't mentioned that recently. Am I wrong or was that a big part of your life? And now it isn't?

- I made the same mistake Mags! I went back and re-read Ali's original blog last night and remembered the Bassman/church story - wrong number of children!

(Thanks for the links Ali - I have read so many stories here it is good to have a touchstone to refresh the history.)

 

[alibabe_muse]

You’re welcome

- I made the same mistake Mags! I went back and re-read Ali's original blog last night and remembered the Bassman/church story - wrong number of children!

(Thanks for the links Ali - I have read so many stories here it is good to have a touchstone to refresh the history.)

I briefly thought about changing ex hubs name due to the confusion it could cause.

You’re welcome. The links are definitely helpful since the past is part of the present, at least for now and the future. If no children then my past might not be so needed to remember. Hopefully that makes a little sense. Almost “A Christmas Carol” with the ghosts of Christmas Past, Christmas Present and Christmas Future for Mr. Scrooge. I’ll admit I may remember this story only because my birthday is Christmas and I was ghost of Christmas Present in the 5th grade play. But the moral is fitting for my point.

And how I like to Ramble On. A quirk and a song.

I was thinking right before posting how much I relied on the advice given and stories read 4 to 5 years ago. How alone I felt in my life. Not I couldn’t be alone but I was also lonely. Probably have been since 1999. I did not have local friends. All my “friends” are on fb but live so far away. A few were actually available to talk but that was when the marriage had fully dissolved minus the legal approval. Now I have an old boyfriend who is my best friend and through him his girlfriend that I have in my life. Being “alone” was hard. I think it’s partly why I dropped away from here and eventually found myself in two exclusive relationships that played with others together ie swinging until this last spring. This summer I went here to a poly meetup. Met tons of nice and interesting people. And I somehow got a straight female to kiss me that night. I think I scared her, oops. She’s 6’0 and I’m 5’2. There was no pressure just my smiling eyes and kissable lips. I digress but it felt good to kiss her.

Alright I’m heading out for dinner with my bff. I’m sure I named him in last two days but I’ve gone blank. But his girlfriend I remember calling her Jubilant.

 

[alibabe_muse]

10 more Junes

Maybe sooner since Princess (the 2nd grader) will be graduating high school or sooner when Bassman and Wild Orchid will not be an intrical aspect of my life.

Today’s trigger.

A little about my industry. Income taxes. This means since last Monday the 7th of January I’m working working tons and will eventually be everyday or it was supposed to be aside from every other Saturday when the two left in the home are with me; thus a really long Sunday. Bassman was married to me for almost 21 years and 14 of those years I worked 65 to 70 hours a week during tax season. So he has experienced this busy season.

Today he texts me “Hey there. We're thinking about taking a trip on my birthday week for this year. 6th-13th. I thought that maybe you asked something about needing me to have kids during that time but I can't remember if you did or not?
“. Note his birthday is 03/11.

My reply “No feb 7 for a band.

Kids with me while you're gone?

Only issue for me is it's during tax season. I can't be leaving work early so will it be okay Pnutt goes to your house after school and meets Princess (at her bus stop” and they're there until I'm off work?”.

His reply “Yes that's fine”.

This was before noon, while I’m at work (he always does this when I’m work never in the evening etc and I recall he did same to me years ago) and now I’ve had time to digest I wish I’d asked if it’d be okay to get back after work. They booked their tickets as soon as I said ok with the after school stipulation.

But now I’m thinking it’d be less inconvenient if they went while kids had their spring break. I drive an extra 30 to 45 minutes to take Princess to their home since I was forced to agree (another story not told as it happened this last Aug) to kids in his school district vs mine. So spring break Pnutt could watch Princess at my house while I am at work {bff lives 5 minutes away} and not be at work an hour later than I will be now and since it’s including a Mon & Tues night of their trip I’m not able to work the extra hours I will be on these days.

So I’m frustrated with myself and I need a place to document a few things as he’s constantly threatening to take me back to court either threatening to take kids from me (nothing to stand on there seriously) or that I haven’t got him off vehicle loan. I agreed I’d get loan refinanced 6 months after divorce signed by judge. Guess what? I did try and applied to my lender and a few others (Jan 2017) and was denied. My last email to an attorney (I’ll never be able to pay off) I asked if a judge would find me in contempt. Legal answer is no the judge would not as long as I don’t default on the loan.

So the big narcissist in Bassman thinks I’m breaking the law and uses this to intimidate me. Well it did until this last August. I’m so exhausted from it. The continuous broken record and his statements of “why should my name be on a vehicle loan I never get to drive”? I’m all “you have never made any of the payments and I asked you to be my co-signer when you had already decided our marriage was over, that’s why”. And why I can’t get a Refi. Ugh just annoying and doesn’t allow me to feel I’m truly divorced from the man.

 

[alibabe_muse]

Ali & Ganga the first (how many days I can write until I have to start a new post)

Back to Ganga and Pono....

Great thing for texts to jive memories or make them clear instead of slightly hazy. Day 1 was 10/20/18.

Day 3 of meeting, I send a text letting Ganga know I've been thinking about our previous 2 days (can we say instant NRE for both of us?). I ask him if he was aware he was smiling while we played. Later in the evening he replies back "Of course I was smiling. I was playing!" and we sent a few more texts about how he plays.

Day 4 I text him a question. Some guy on fb whose pictures looked lots like Ganga friend requested me. Asked if that was him. He said no. I sent him a pic of my 3 computer monitors and a selfie in my cubicle. No response. I did recall on Sunday (day 2) he stated he wasn't a big texter so the lack of response didn't bother me in the least.

Day 5 I had joined a few poly groups on fb and read NRE and hand slaps forehead I realize I'm experiencing it pretty damn fast. I text Ganga asking if he knew what NRE is. He's poly but the knowledge of terms and networking with others of like minds, he's been pretty secular and last poly experience was over 5 years ago.

He replied. He said he didn't know what NRE is. Thanked me for sharing pics with him. Brief chit chat. I explain NRE.

Next message is an explanation of being busy and not able to "engage" me (yes he said engage {swoon not sure why but that word made me feel fluttery}) the last few days. Quote here "I really like to focus on my current task and text messaging someone can be distracting. Are you thankful that I like to and enjoy focusing on what's in front of me? (blushing smiling emoticon)".

My response I'm very thankful you're focused on what's in front of you. Then explained I'm not big on texting all day long and wanted him to know that if I do text it's my way of letting him know he's in my thoughts. I actively listened to him Sunday before and after playing. I explained I figured based on our in person conversation he'd be busy.

Texted Pono too. We were texting a little after the night before Day 1 (yes this part is my budding relationship with Ganga why this tale is starting with Day 1 as the day of my date with Ganga which was the night after having sex with Pono). I asked how he was. He was in IOWA with his son. Told him awesome. end of texting for a few days.

Day 6 to 7 no contact with Ganga. His kids returned to him the evening of Day 2 so part of me knowing he's been busy is not only does he have job work, his own work but also kids for 7 days straight.

Day 8 10/27/18 I send a text stating hope his weekend's great and that I would like to see him soon (I suck at being direct). And stated not today since we both have our kids.

He gets back with a thank you, enjoy the weekend and we'll catch up soon.

CAN I SAY...that's evasive. So I took a deep breath and went on with my day.

Day 10 about 1.5 hours before I'm off work it dawned on me Ganga might be living up to his name so to speak. lol makes me smile even now his response to my text to him. I called him out on his evasiveness telling him he was being "quite vague" on when we could play again. {On Day 8 I knew he had no kids Sunday evening (day 9) through the next Sunday evening}.

{Also I send texts with paragraphs instead of one thought text, next thought text so there's zero confusion in texting responses}.

Next paragraph "So you remember my schedule I am free this evening. I didn't have plans this upcoming Friday but I have a meet & greet date with a couple.

Then Sat & Sun I'm free but I've got a couple of people (a few from okc were wanting to meet me but this connection with Ganga...well I didn't want to pass it up for who knows what I'm going to actually get when I see them, so exhausting...not "dating" but just meeting someone) asking to meet me on those days.

Then I'm fee next Monday and not again until Sun.

He responds a few hours later (no issue for me on the time of getting back to me, it was before 6 so not bad actually).

BUT AN HOUR BEFORE GANGA RESPONDS Pono texts me and I ask if he's horny. He said yes. He'd get back to me if it's my place or his. I say ok.

GANGA's response: "I'm a little slow, are you free tomorrow night".

ME: Nope

GANGA: Hi

ME: I have my kids every tues to thur night

Hi

GANGA: How are you?

ME: I'm very good

You?

GANGA: I'm OK. Thanks. I'm on the fence whether I feel like company or not I need to shower and eat dinner and I'm challenged to find the spark to do that. What do I do? (I believe he was flirting here)


SO A QUANDARY...PONO?

NEXT I TEXT BFF (omg I feel so silly when I posted the other day I couldn't remember the name I gave him...bahahahaha jokes definitely on me). I tell him my dilima. Who do I go play with? The just for "fun" guy who is fun but there's a relationship possibility with Ganga. Bff says pick relationship possibility.

So I text Pono and tell him I can't make it. He's many times in plans texted he wasn't going to be able to meet at the last minute. I like Pono, he's fun. I'm not sure it's ED (he turned 47 in Sep) but only the first night we had sex and he came 3 times, he's had some keeping it hard issues. He makes sure I orgasm...I roll my eyes back into my head when I'm having hmmm not sure how to call it...but it's like I'm having an out of body experience on waves of pleasure soaring through my entire being...ends of my hair, tips of my fingers, toes...but since it's a fwb I wanted more of Ganga that night.


ME: LOl I haven't shaved and I'd want to shower too. Maybe we shower together?

I haven't ate yet either. I'm not that hungry but my treat for something.

ME: if you're not wanting company I get it.

ME: And I got off on your armpit aroma (i really did and still do). It turned me on big time.

GANGA: Oh, you like my phermones!?

GANGA: You getting turned on turns me on.

more sexting....

ME: Are you feeling like co yet?

GANGA: Are you coming over?


I head over to his house. We talk a bit. Ganga brings up the texting subject. He tells what he's already explained in person and text. I told him I'd respect that and would not get upset if he didn't respond. He also said that if I ask a question he'd be more prone to respond than me stating something. {So yes if I want to interact with him during the week I send him a text with a question - it's a valid in the moment question but hey...he spoke and I listened}.

I explained to him that he's asking me to change my behavior (we're on Day 10 here) but accept that his won't change. That is not acceptable. I respect his choice to not engage via text unless a question is asked but he has to also accept that I will not change either. I will send a text when I want to share myself with him, a thought an idea a feeling whatever I'm me and some epiphanies escape me days later and I want to share those. And he needs to realize I will not get all grumpy and upset if he does not respond to me.

Then we kissed and oh my...our lips, tongues, so sensual, erotic and started playing in his office. There's a few chairs and a small bed. That was about an hour session. We smoke, drink more water and go up to his room and have a two hour session. He came that night 3 times. Me...I loose count by 10.

I get dressed, we have a smoke, he walks me to the door and we kiss goodbye...and those kisses...our kisses get us playing at times when we shouldn't...but I did head home.

JUMP TO TODAY....I'm super happy. I think Ganga has a quirk. I feel like he gets extra super turned on by me when I'm communicating my insecurities with him.

No seriously...I first noticed it last Friday when I told him how on Tuesday I had worked through this physical feeling and thoughts in my head (or was it my heart driving it???) that he was lying to me, not being upfront etc.

And as I pushed my shopping cart through the store I talked myself off the ledge. I said look ali...you'll never have a healthy emotional, sexual relationship with any man if you don't let go of the past and believe what Ganga says to you. He'll be honest with you and will not lie to you. All of a sudden I was fine and happy and smiling.

I told him all this as we were walking to a poly meetup after parking my vehicle. Within 45 minutes of being there we went outside to have a smoke and he tells me he just wants to go back home and fuck. So we departed from friends and new acquaintances and had omg another night of mind blowing sex.

I told Ganga tonight after we finished playing (I was there for an errand - our kid nights but his have dinner with their mom on wed's of her off week - so unexpected but yummy times) I think me feeling so comfortable with him that I can tell him exactly how I feel and he listens to me and next thing I know we're having carnal, sensual sex, making love.

If feels good the moments I experience with Ganga. It's me being vulnerable and raw with my feelings but I'm not requesting anything from him...I just get to express myself (and oh now Madonna's song with that lyric "express yourself hey hey hey" is going through my head).

Have a great night everyone and hope the end of the work week goes by fast.

 

[alibabe_muse]

Day 11 & a few days ago

Day 11 - 10/30/18

A Monday and Ganga has his kids. No contact with either Ganga or Pono. I went out for a drink with Jubilant. I bought her dinner and drinks. You know, she said she'd buy me a birthday drink and as of today, she still hasn't reciprocated.

I'm okay with that but my generosity will be limited moving forward. Jubilant is a friend and we do help each other when we're dealing with insecurities. But I'm a single mom, I get paid once a month and am supporting 2 kids with zero child support that are in my home almost 60% of the time.

When a single friend, no kids except pets, doesn't appreciate that I'm on a strict budget, it kinda makes me not interested in going out. But I'm a sucker and will continue to accept others for their quirks, just I won't "treat" someone more than once. I know I shouldn't expect reciprocation and when I'm not told I'll be paid back, then we're good. Just don't tell me you'll treat me back one day and never do it.

Okay bitching over....

Jubilant and I meet up at my favorite Monday night local bar. $2 draft and well drinks. Can't beat that these days.

I told her about Ganga, showed her his okc profile. She asked me if she could date him. My response was that's up to him not me. If he's interested in you he'll contact you.

Backstory - as she is bff's girlfriend (she's solo poly) - I was unaware he had not fully disclosed to her the true extent of our friendship. Once in awhile we play and I thought he had fully disclosed this to her.

She and I went out for drinks back in the summer. Me, whether I am sober or have a buzz, am so damn honest about everything I don't think before I speak sometimes. I had told her about how bff and I had fooled around back in February and we tried piv but he couldn't stay hard, mostly because he was super intoxicated. Bff likes loving Clitirinia (Ganga and I named my clitoris a few weeks ago - turned him on) and getting me to squirt, it's a turn on for him and back in Sept when Adonis and Pono were not available I complained to bff I needed an orgasm...he offered to oblige me and I said yes...he was at my house in 5 minutes {yes we live close to each other}.

So back in September, after bff satisfied me {oh so on that he got me to orgasm, squirt tons and he came in his pants...I thought that was hot}, Jubilant and I went out for drinks (she paid for her own drinks, I bought her food) and she told me that she was really bothered when I told her about the Feb encounter and oh yeah (a summer encounter after the poly meetup bff and I went to and Jubliant was there--I went with bff and so he took me back to his place and before we got out of the car he had me squirting on the passenger seat...we played a bit but did not attempt piv)...

That she felt jealous, insecure until she said to herself "oh yeah it's Ali I have nothing to worry about".

So I'm trying to like and trust this new close friend but my intuition is feeling an "off" vibe. I guess that kinda of blew me away a friend asking me if they could date a new guy I just met, in the total infancy of what may or may not come, and it just felt to me more like "payback". Does that make sense?

She has bff, she is in a dadt with another guy and says she doesn't want a committed poly relationship. (A month or so ago she reactivated her profile...Ganga saw it on okc and said to me from what she wrote she's really looking for a primary partner...which is 360 degrees opposite of her being solo poly). BUT I'm bothered and have been for quite some time.

THEN four days ago from today, Sunday, she texts me this (Ganga and I met her and bff at that poly meetup last Friday) {oops some background...Ganga would like to have sex with Jubilant but as in a 3 sum with me and possible 4 sum with bff...and I've talked with her about this and she said she has to get to know him...and she has a crush on me too, but honestly...even though the men find her attractive...I DON'T. Maybe the more she and I hang out...but I honestly don't want the girlfriend confidant friendship to change at this time} totally sidetracked there, another quirk (title of first blog "little quirks").

Okay this is what she texted me after I texted her I beat Ganga at chess (and he stated he had under estimated me...I haven't played since 1995 or earlier):

JUBILANT : Btw...and forgive me if this oversteps boundaries. I'm just not big on nebulous. If Ganga wishes to continue discussing weird things with weird people (meaning me), he can text me. His rather cozy demeanor with me has not gone unnoticed.

{Another backstory...my birthday night, Christmas...I had plans for a 3 sum with Ganga and Pono after going out for two drinks...Jubilant met all 3 of us back at Ganga's to smoke a bowl...she got too stoned...I asked her before we went upstairs if she wanted to join us and if not did she want to watch..she said no...but OMG it took her over an hour to frickin leave...IT WAS MY BIRTHDAY...and then Ganga walks her out hoping I'd get things moving along with Pono, which I immediately did. Ganga tells me after Pono leaves that when he walked Jubliant to the door, she kissed him - NOW AM I IMAGINING SOMETHING WEIRD HERE OR AM I BEING PARANOID? I don't feel paranoid...just it's bothering me}.


My response back to her indirect way of asking me to give Ganga her cell #. So in my mind...Ganga had seen her on okc...if he had any intention of something more...ie relationship or whatever besides playing with her and I together...I am positive he would have contacted her and like he said to me when he read her profile...what she's looking for, in which he read in her profile...is a primary and his kids are his primary and he barely has time for a relationship with me (yes these are his words to me many many times over the last 3 months):

ME: If he asks me for your number I'll give it. I'm in a weird place on this and with what has just recently happened (a story of New Year's Eve {NYE} I will get to asap...my consent was violated by a woman) I'd prefer not to be put in a situation that causes me to be unhappy.

JUBILANT: Absolutely no worries. I'm not in a hurry or overly insistent. Just being my usual direct self.

ME: And he's cozy with everyone. He is curious about your freaky side yet he wants it to be all 3 of us, not the 2 of you alone.

JUBILANT: That's what I thought. Which again is why I'm more into the organic evolution of things. Once again. Cool. Wait it out. See what happen. Upside down emoticon blank face.

OKAY MY THOUGHTS...was I being um "monogomish" in my response to her? I don't think so. Was I being "insecure" I really don't think so especially since she knows the story of NYE and how I felt violated almost raped by a woman trying to get Ganga and I to break our fluid bonded agreement of condoms with others.

EDITED HERE FROM ORIGINAL DRAFT AS I DIDN'T HAVE THE REST OF THE TEXT ON GANGA IN HERE:

Was Jubilant back tracking? Her statement "not in a hurry or overly insistent" is bothering..and I felt better when I first drafted this. And the emoticon...This is really bothering me. Am I wrong to be bothered by her question if she could date him and now this. I really would appreciate a response back to this...if you have thoughts.

END OF EDIT

So yeah...I'm leary. I'm in no way feeling insecure on how Ganga feels. He's been upfront and honest with me. I am going to be honest and state I'm not ready to loose my NRE and evolving time with Ganga as we are just so new to each other. I am selfish about wanting Ganga's and I days we are available to spend time together, play, make love and talk to not be interrupted by new emotional dating partners. Does that make sense?

And I know with how Ganga's been with me...he truly desires to have sexual encounters on his own without me (mostly in a 3sum 4sum situation not one on one with another female...he's even said once as he stated he sometimes needs help to satisfy my hunger...and finding a guy who is as sensual as we are...rare let me tell you...and I suggested a female...his response was "women get attached"...so he is telling me without being direct...BOY for a man who says he's direct I swear on my left pinkie finger he's not...he wants to focus on us without drama of other emotional relationships {AND OMG right now at this moment, this second...I'm feeling way way better about everything...isn't writing amazing...okay sometimes I'm dense...probably because I'm having to be analytical all day long with work}

Back to Jubilant. I'm on the fence with her as well as the "Violator" omg that's going to be this woman's name going forward, not jubilant but the NYE destroy my sexual high chica). Yeah..I've got some interesting tales coming up soon.

I think her kissing Ganga on my birthday after she wouldn't leave after many hints...even me flashing my pussy at her...seriously..leave or let's fuck and even when I first talked to her about him...I mean seriously who the f#ck asks a friend if they can date their new potential???

Is that weird? And I've kept this inside me for many months and the recent stuff, words...

And even though Jubilant felt that while Ganga was talking to her at the meetup, while I was talking to bff, he was hitting on her...he was just making small talk until he could tell me he wanted to leave...and we almost didn't go to the meetup since we both did just want to not go and have sex.

Alrightly I'm feeling better. Honestly...it's off my chest...I've thought it through...and I'm trusting my intuition (as she's always been right 98.9% of the time)...limit my need for consult with Jubilant but still be there for her in her needs and keep my self-confidence because I'm fucking sexy!

 

[alibabe_muse]

couldn't edit

INSERT THIS IN THE PREVIOUS POST WHERE I MENTION JUBILANT KISSING GANGA ON MY BIRTHDAY

ANOTHER EDIT:

Oh yeah...the next day she texted me but did not mention the kiss.

JUBILANT: Good morning, you. Hope you had a great night. heart emoticon

(Well duh...both my lovers...dp...yeah I had more than a great night)

ME: I did!

How was the kiss?

Heading home now

JUBILANT: It was a nice kiss - smile emoticon

I just woke up. Going to zone out with Netflix. take care, you.

THOUGHTS OF MINE...I'm realizing why my response Sunday was what it was...

EDIT DONE

somehow there must be a limit to the number of edits one may do here (i've had many with this post).

Sigh.....

Aha the big bold yelling right there up above...the words "my birthday" that's the rub. Is Jubilant really a true friend?

I love epiphanies...validates my intuition.

AND yes...because of what happened to me in opening up to poly and that I was in poly hell..very possible Wild Orchid was a cowgirl...that I'm inherently distrustful of women that "like me for more than a friend" as I sense a cowgirl in them?

NYE - the short version...at a swinger party...met VIOLATOR two times prior...once as a meet and greet with her and her primary and Ganga at my house. Then the Sat prior to NYE at a swinger' club.

She interrupted Ganga and I as well as another couple next to us on the bed...no sex with the other couple but just touching...who knows what may have happened next. Trying to make this short...there's so much to this night but it's important for me to record Day 12 to this point...as it's a part of my life now and Sat is a big test of ME. So she somehow (I was in an extreme place of a sexual high) she ended up on top of me, strap on banging me (it wasn't enjoyable this night as it had at the club) and I say to Ganga "fuck her pussy"...he gets behind her, grabs a condom and looses his hard on...she realizes it, has him come next to my head...tries to give him a quick bj...no luck as he isn't into fast bj's...so all of sudden, as she is on top of me, with the strap on in me...putting her weight on me as the "sexual" movements now have stopped...kept on and on about her sexual safety and that all the other people in the other room she was fucking without a condom she had sex with prior to her last sti and they were all safe.

REALITY CHECK MS. VIOLATOR...omg some people are fucked up.

I say back...I don't know you I don't know them it doesn't matter...Ganga and I have an agreement...and she kept on with pressuring until i finally
say this

If you don't respect me then get the FUCK OFF ME...(and my voice did raise as I said the all caps).

She immediately got off me but started cussing me out...

THE POINT OF THIS IS...

Would a true friend really over step a boundary after knowing I just went through that 13 days prior?

No a true friend would not.

Walls back up to a female bff...sigh again

Another thought as I previewed the post to do my editing...

I sensed in Jubilant's response she did not expect me to know about the kiss. This is why I trust Ganga. As soon as the moment was appropriate he told me what happened.

 

[alibabe_muse]

Hook

I was just reading from April 2014 in my little quirks journal. Hook out of the blue contacted me on pof. Took me a bit to remember him.

We flirted this summer via kik but that was it. Prior to that he contacted me right when I met the bf dom.

It’s weird but former lovers are continuously popping a text to me.

I don’t see them once it’s over, probably due to them and how I let them treat me. It’s like on my birthday every man I had sex with during 2018 texted me.

This is a side note post...an observation.

 

[alibabe_muse]

Day 12 10/31/18 to....

Day 12 I sent Ganga a text saying Happy Halloween, enjoy and stay warm.

Day 13 still no response from Ganga...and that was okay. Like he said, if I ask a question he will respond but a statement etc like I sent...well he may not respond.

Day 14 Friday 11/02/18 I text Pono a little after 3pm with a TGIF.
He got back and I told him I'd been thinking about having fun with him (I did cancel Monday to go see Ganga). We made plans for him to come to my house for fun times. He arrived around 8. We chatted then went and had sexy times in my room. Last time with him, the night before Day 1, I let him enjoy pia and so this night he wanted it again but I hadn't done my "cleaning" {if I'm going to have anal sex I do enemas...I just don't like the smell of my #2 bathroom duties when I'm being sexual) so no pia just piv. When we were all done Pono left for his own home. Prior to these last two dates I ususally went to his house and would leave within 15 minutes of being done with play...kept me in a place to not become emotionally attached.

Also I still haven't told Pono about Ganga. Ganga has known of Pono since the day we first met.

Day 15 I text Ganga (oh so Ali is my true real nickname just an fyi to this tale cuz of a choice he makes later - weeks away) a little after 5pm. He did make "tentative plans" to see me this day on Monday. Told him not to rush in texting back and told him I wanted anal bad and asked if I could rim him.

hehe

about 15 minutes later he responds he wants to see me tonight and I could rim him.

I arrived at 8 as I said I would. He makes us coffee, we go into his office to smoke and talk. He tells me that last night he slept with a neighbor girl who showed up in his backyard with a beer for him. Stated he used condoms with her. Sex was ok but he drank beer and as he doesn't drink much...his body was a little off. Eventually in conversation I find out the one night stand stayed all night with him.

I teased him on how unfair that was since the night we met I had made it clear what needs I wanted from any growing relationship with him and that was to sleep with him at a minimum of once a month and he had a "strange neighbor" girl sleep all night with him?

He responded he knows and that first night we met, he really wanted to stay at my house but had to get up early for disk golfing.

So we started kissing and all our clothes come off and we play in the office for an hour until he says lets go up to to his bed. I did get to rim him and have anal...I love anal with him...and he gets me to squirt even with pia.

I honestly cannot remember if that was the first night I slept over. I'm sure I didn't as I wanted it to be him wanting me to stay over all night, not for it to come from a place of guilt.

And I really need some coffee and a cig...so I'll post this now.

PLUS I have so much to do. Get house picked up a bit, kids to Bassman and Wild Orchid by 3, back home to finish getting ready for the themed Cowboys & Cowgirls House Party a few hours north in Idaho at Violator's place.

YES I'm going there. I have a few new friends so if anything bizzare happens I'll be okay. Ganga...still won't know how to deal with any weird stuff if directed at me by Violator. We all know we can't control what someone thinks or feels...but in these last couple weeks...what I feel from this person Ganga is starting to see with his own eyes. And I refuse to say to him in moments were he states a fact I've stated previously "T told you so" as I know that will only get him to disagree cuz we humans...we just don't like to be told what to do by anybody.

 

[alibabe_muse]

the drive home Sat 01/19/18

Ganga and I went to Violator's (while at her house I decided I needed to change her name...I've forgiven and don't want to recall her from this day forward violator anymore...but she will be that in my tale of NYE - so what I will call her is Ms Kitty).

Ganga and I went to the lair of Ms Kitty and her primary partner, Cute B, male 60's something. Ms Kitty and Cute B are poly but host monthly swinger house parties in a town just over an hour away.

It was a great night, Ganga and I split a hit of lsd and that I think made our night just a little more fun. Ganga's idea and it was also a signal to me he wanted to be with me for the evening while meeting new people.

Yes lots of sex happening with many there but at least this time Ms Kitty actually (she was making sure I was seeing her being responsible with all of our sexual health safety - yes eventually I will get to NYE {or did I already tell about that part as I had called her violator...} I must have, probably should doulbe check before starting to write...but that's okay even if I have) and while participating in a somewhat 3 sum (fmf) she stops, gets a condom and puts it on the guy with her mouth, no hands (I want a lesson to do that, it was sexy how she did it too) and then fucks this guy for a few minutes then it was over (...I'm not sure Ganga and Ali are into quickies honestly...last night's session Sun was almost 2 hours) but there were other bodies on other beds throughout the house. Lots of drinking (we shared 1/4 of a coffee cup of homemade bourbon) story telling etc. Ganga and I finally found the hot tub and spent almost 2 hours in it with a break to get water and roll a joint. Eventually the hot tub had too many people in it. A younger gal, 34, was nothing but talking about "negative" about ex, kids blah blah blah...yes totally ruining the relaxed state but I just kept smiling.

I'm at a point in my life that when at a party...I want to be happy etc. So I'm learning to tune that out while individuals go that route. Even Ms Kitty was telling some negativity too...but nothing like this young lady.

Haha speaking of this young lady. I'm pretty sure Ganga is now grateful the 4sum that a guy from the group was setting up for this girl did not happen. I really can't stand how people can take a selfie and filter it etc to make themselves appear what they are not. I've been pretty sure this gal...not ready for a name yet...no idea if she'll be a constant in the social scenes so I'll just keep referring to her as the 34 yo. Let's just say Ganga said on the drive home, 34 yo was not what he expected.

I've changed so much since being a married woman. I am very in tune with vibes from others...even if it's text...I just "sense" something and although I sense something about people from this kik group and ones Ganga ends up chatting with....once what I've sensed becomes a truth...I do not say to him and never will I TOLD YOU SO. It feels nice just being able to see a love "get it" on their own. Does that make any sense?

I may tell more of the party but my point in posting right now was what Ganga and I discussed as we were almost to his place that night. He said he's not sure he's enough for me.


OMG..sexually I am for the very first time in my life...the most satisfied, satiated I've ever been and extremely happy with how his body and mine are so in sync with each other. To meet a man that finds all my baby bearing stretch marks and 2 c-section bulges sexy (I did tell Ganga the night we met that if he would have a problem with my belly area not being as sexy as the rest of me, then we shouldn't plan anything beyond this meet & greet as I'm so sick of men that judge me) and gets a hard on for me with a kiss is extra nice.

I responded back that I'm completely satisfied and fumbled in trying to convey something to him that caused some "issues" for me during the holidays and with "meeting" others and with my lack of desire to connect Ganga and Jubliant together outside of me. I am poly and I do believe in loving more than one and definitely in having sexual likes for more than one person, just this is a new relationship, it's not established, and it's two solo poly's navigating poly after living in poly hell some years ago and both individual's marriages ending after opening up to poly. I think sometimes the baby steps turn into toddler's whirlwind and it starts freaking me out...and although I feel it immediately, I've discovered Ganga eventually feels it a few weeks later.

But yesterday 01/20/19 was the mark of 3 months since we met. We had sex that night etc.

Okay back to the last part of the drive back to town...I was trying to explain to Ganga I feel like I "should" be adding more but I really don't have a desire. I just didn't want him thinking I was telling him I wanted to be mono. That is not the case...I'm just so in NRE, content and about to start tax season and Ganga's schedule is inline with mine and I spend majority of my kid free time with him. I enjoy being with him and he with me.

So I think I conveyed how I feel. We got back about 1:30 and made love until 3 am when we finally feel asleep entangled limbs.

Sunday we woke, had coffee, he had a visitor drop in, visitor left and I had to take off. Later in the evening I went over to Ganga's. He let me know he's been feeling very satiated. We played for 2 hours last night until it was time for me to head home. Kids ended up with me yesterday and today since their dad is out of town and usually has them Sun & Mon. Pnutt is 13 and now old enough to watch Princess.

Ganga the man who says he's direct and I do believe he is, just the words of his directness don't come across as direct as he could be. Instead of saying he's satiated, he could've just said I'm very pleased with our sex and I am not currently looking to add more, just I want to play with others with you.

Ahh...I'm happy and still feeling my orgasms from last night.

 

[alibabe_muse]

Adding more while in NRE, maybe not

Background on the 29th of Dec Ganga and I went to WR a local swinging club. WR GUY is in the kik group organized by Cute B and Ms Kitty. WR Guy doesn’t kik much but I checked out others profiles. I found him as one of a few men I find attractive. At WR he kissed me tons and told me many times how sexy my eyes are. I do admit his attraction to me is what really created my attraction for him. We’ve been texting since then and had plans for a date (no sex because he said he had to special order condoms). But as I’m learning more about him, going through a divorce, going to jail for violating the no contact order, why he got it placed on him, the underlying insecurities seen in our conversations well I talked with Ganga about WR Guy sat. I was pretty bad at hiding my “lack of attraction” towards WR Guy when we arrived even though I hugged him and chatted with and thought I flirted a little. I mean he was partially why I wanted to attend the party, not for sex but to see him and chat. BUT being in NRE and with it reciprocated, Ganga and I interacted with others, just we weren’t feeling sexually inclined to others but each other.

So this is my interaction right after I made my last post with WR Guy. WR Guy is definitely being passive aggressive and I realize he’s hurt and feeling rejected. But I just don’t get how he could be so hurt.

WR GUY (50 Capricorn like me): Wow I just woke up from yesterday, I don’t know what I took or the combo but shit!
Btw you looked awesome that night!

ME: Hmm the mushroom honey wasn’t that much so it was not that. I did lsd and only had a few sips of the home brewed bourbon and that apple pie one plus weed.

Thank you.

Maybe drinks were spiked with something?

WR GUY: No I was making my own. You were frying?

ME: Yes we split a hit

After we got there probably around 8

WR GUY: Well you looked beautiful

ME: Thank you

It was the weed & alcohol & stress for you most likely.

WR GUY: Yeah, probably. Other than that how was your night? You seemed kind of distant, was it me?

ME: I had a great time. Meeting new people etc being a voyeur and feeling like “fresh meat” lol.

I’m really really into Ganga and he me. It was 3 months ago yesterday we met. It’s all new for me, how I feel. I’m extremely satisfied sexually too.

I am capable of having loving relationships with more than one but I want to build more equity in the foundation of my relationship with Ganga so when either of us wants space for new partners there’s goodwill from the ground up.

I like you and I’m sure we’ll play together at upcoming house parties and I enjoy texting with you. Let’s start with friendship if that’s okay with you?

And flirting

WR GUY: Sure, I understand, that is the usual sentiment after meeting me with in person after chatting for a while. I have never really understood my part or how I come across so differently. I will text you when I get out. Take care be safe.

And then he stopped sharing his location with me (iPhones).

I have nothing to say in response. He is more swinger than poly. He too is in a budding relationship with a lady he met in October at a house party.

Why are “messy” attractive people drawn to me? His response back caused me to feel tummy icky. And I was honest. I’ve been writing it here on Ali evolving with Ganga, no expectations see where we grow individually and enjoy our moments. I just really have no energy to fit more in nor desire too with the lovely NRE. And I do like my every other Monday Ganga has his kids to be my time with myself. Can’t forget my relationship with me either.

 

[alibabe_muse]

11/04/18 the fwb pono to 12/25

To keep myself focused I’m writing out the timeline with Pono and some details of why he’s not in my life as a fwb at this time.

Day 16 until Day 17 of meeting Ganga, no interaction with Pono.

Day 23 11/11 Pono texts, we chat. Day 24 another Pono text “So horny” and told him I could do Friday that week (those were Sun and Mon Ganga was kid free so I was with him).

Day 29 is Sat 11/17. I text Pono and ask about his upcoming trip to Hawaii. He gets back as says day after Thanksgiving. We chat make tentative plans for Sun since the oldest was heading to my house from college that night.

Day 30, Sun 11/18 I text Pono I have to raincheck. My oldest wants to hang with her momma.

Day 31 I text Pono I’m available (Ganga has his kids this night). Typical Pono can’t but asks what about Tues or Wed before Thanksgiving. I offer up the next day, Tuesday. We make plans for happy hour and then back to my place.

Day 32 11/20 I get off work early and Pono and I meet at 4. Drinks, I tell him about Ganga. Pono seemed okay with it. I did state to Pono “We did start seeing each other under the premise of “just for fun” and I’m sure you’ve been dating other women”. He said “Yes dating but I’ve only had sex with you”. But when having sex, I said I love how long he is and told him he felt so good. He says, “I bet you say that to all the guys”. Ugh…

Last time I saw Pono was on my birthday in the 3 sum with Ganga. I like Pono but he's also going through some drama and I just don't want more than I need. Some things with his industry and what he's told me has me wanting to keep my distance from his environment.

 

[alibabe_muse]

Ugh

Ganga is feeling overwhelmed and I’ll need to link my post about emotional codependence I posted in the general section.

Here’s my text to him just now:

Hi Ganga,

I've been thinking a lot about things.

This should be in person but that would defeat the point of my decision.

I completely understand that how I feel and my recent verbiage of it is quite overwhelming for you.

Though people are poly words like "love" convey assumed expectations by the recipient of the meaning behind that word due to society's use of that word.

Although I'm in huge NRE from spending moments with you I do know what I feel is what I feel. Yet what I feel does not in no way shape or form mean I want to change our relationship from evolving, growing to a defined mono primary whatever you are feeling due to my spoken word of joy and happiness.

I also heard you state and maybe I over interpreted on my seeing or trying to date others, that I'm not trying.

Honestly I'm picky on who I'm willing to meet & greet. Prior to you my actual meet & greet was early September when I met Pono. It took me over 2 months to even agree to meet someone after I broke up with the 59 year old. I'm picky. And this summer I was having dates with multiple men but when one said he's staunchly mono I broke it off with him (hearing his words caused me anxiety...so I do empathize with you...yet that was the moment it dawned on me I am polyamorous...I will always love more than one partner so why put myself into a situation that makes me uncomfortable?).

Since I've met you I chat with at a minimum 3 different people maximum 10 a week. I'm not just picky on looks but intentions. If it's only a fuck, then no I don't need to expend my energy on that, I have plenty of men that are willing I already know. But I do spend time getting that answered right away.

Seriously if I wanted to just fuck the video guy is available once a week and lives across the street from my work. Sex I have options. That's why I haven't done a meet & greet since ours.

There have been a few Friday nights where we're both in adulting mode that we have not seen each other. I was either with Pono or out at poly events, meeting others, hitting on a virgin 24 year old (who still wants me to take his virginity). I'm pointing out that I, looking back over this month, noticed we've spent similar "amounts" of time together prior to the holidays but we've never had our together interactions with other sexy people before the holidays and I have not spent a kid free, normal kid free, night with anyone else but you this month.

I've rolled with it, our moments together, because of the NRE. I enjoy our conversations, you know how I feel about what happens the moment we kiss, and it's just so much fun and enjoyable spending free time with you. NRE definitely lasts for 6 months and sometimes up to 2 years (the 2 years seems to be with mono couples turn poly and one is in poly hell the other in NRE forgetful of the one in poly hell).

I am not spending our mutual kid free nights with you to get something unspoken (meaning I have zero ulterior motives or expectations or thoughts of spending our entire life together...being in the MOMENT feels amazing and I'm enjoying viewing life differently). I chose to spend that available time with you because I enjoy being around you and our "slamming" is super duper Uber hot.

It's dawned on me when you told me you can't say no to me that I respect you and care for you deeply that we should have a "time off" (was going to say break but that's too definitive and ultimately more like an ending than being able to reconnect on common ground).

The show at The Bartlet is Thursday Feb 7th. I would still like for you to join me. Will you? (So yes I would appreciate an answer back to this only).

I'd like to explain my request for knowing about confirmed intentions with others. It's due to the truth of who I am. Yeah I might feel insecure and that's solely on me. Knowing about it beforehand gives me the opportunity, when I'm not with you to process and eventually feel compersion. Hearing about a confirmed date will make it more difficult for me to process. It's not cheating and I apologize for using that word but not only do I not want to process after the fact there are two concerns for me.

Knowing after when we connect will possibly put a damper on our time together. I could possibly get this physical jolt that goes through me and turn super red. I can't control my physical response. You did tell me about the 34 yo chick 4 sum in person and I honestly felt only compersion. Yet had it happened and you told me that Friday night after I'm not sure our playing would have happened.

I have been fearful as we are so new that if either of us add a new partner it'll cut into my NRE; thus I'm feeling very selfish, but I'm not trying to control you. Sheesh I'm not that type of person. I have the most amazing sex with you and that's where my selfishness is coming from.

Second concern is that if it's after the fact it appears to me as if you hide it from me, not desiring to be honest on the front end.

Now WR Guy...I really like him. I enjoyed how he kissed me but he's "messy".

One of my personality traits that needs improvement is how to be more honest on the why in that situation. The drama was draining me and it was all in text. And how does a female tell a guy she senses a violent streak in him? She really can't.

On being truthful on the front end. I've been interested in someone I met at PJs last month at the poly event. We've chatted a bit. He's a relationship anarchist(RA). He asked me out for a coffee date last night to discuss RA. I agreed. There's no date set but he'll know Sat what his schedule in early Feb has available. I'm also attending a rope class Saturday. As soon as I was invited I really really wanted to tell you about it last night. Alas I need you to have your space. Hopefully they'll allow me to video the techniques. If not my memory will do.

Back to the time off. I'm leaving it up to you to reach out to me when you crave seeing me. I can't guarantee I won't have plans. But I will be more than ecstatic to see you if our schedules don't conflict.

I made that decision Tuesday night as I was walking out of your house but it was more regarding Fri & Sat I did not plan to text you and hoped you might. If I didn't hear from you by Sun I planned to text you. But after thinking about it more I realize full disclosure is more important than not stating my current intentions.

Lol like my thoughts are this:

I need you to reach out to me because you want to spend time with me. So if I don't contact you at all starting tomorrow there is a possibility you could (I'm not saying you will just it's possible) ponder and ponder leading your thoughts to thinking I'm mad at you or something worse SO you could possibly reach out to me because you felt guilty thinking that thought.

That is not what I want or need. I want you to desire spending moments with me, not feel obligated. Obligatory will eventually make us both feel icky towards each other.

Alright I think I've covered my thoughts and my decision I've made for myself. It's yours to accept, offer alternatives or not accept it.

Bff wants more but hasn't given me funds. I told him I'd contact him when I knew I would next see you. He'll have funds to me in that moment.

Oh so I do have another question. Does what I make in gross income bother you?

I really hope it does not. I have worked hard and many many hours to get to this point. I take pride in my work and every year discover new techniques to be more efficient. I do not see the two of us as unequal based on income. I have more debt which actually net wise has us equitable in our cash flow. I hope that makes sense.

Which leads me into good news I have wanted to share with you yesterday but I've been hesitant.

I had my review. They're making the policy be raised based on merit. Not sure exactly how that's going to work. He was late and didn't have much time to explain.

I need improvement on irate clients but he did say he was impressed by how I handled it. Conflict resolution and I stated this client and I had exactly same conversation experience two years ago.

So I'm getting a 6.4% raise. It's based on merit and only 6 out of 50 got a raise. I'll have an extra $220 in my paycheck.

I actually had to retype this as it did not send. Words are so different than originally written.

Okay that's all.

Ganga response 30 minutes later:

Here’s Ganga’s text back. I actually did not expect him to even read it let alone respond back so soon.

Lol... Congratulations on the raise! I would like to see you soon. I am rather committed at the farm this weekend. Maybe, tentatively, Saturday evening?

 

[alibabe_muse]

Ugh

http://www.polyamory.sbs/forum/showthread.php?t=114299