My New Chapter

[alibabe_muse]

Heartache, worries and what not. We, Bassman our kids and their friends went camping on July 29th. A few days before that I made a post called "Feeling Trampled On". As I said in that, I was in a place I could not post under this username.

It seemed like up until today the relatonship with bassman was improving. Really, really improving. I found out by sending a job on CL, just a suggestion, that I am controlling. That I have no right to be concerned about if I'll truly be able to get by, even with doing the math. He was still living here...consuming and using. Broke his toe Thursday on the camping gear left next to the dinner table.

We went to the park, to be away from the kids, to talk. I told him if he really doesn't want to be in a relationship it's time we separate. Haha he told me earlier he hasn't been in love with me for a long time. During our talk the falling out of love happened after I came back from Montana (oh he and wild orchid took our kids camping about 20 minutes from where I was meeting Sir). So he has resentment (told me that Saturday evening) towards me.

In our talk today, very short and brief, he said a tale of how we were young when we married, bit time stoners...blah blah blah...I'm still in shock. All because I was being patient all weekend while he layed around not saying diddly squat about looking for work and today I pushed him too far. Whatever!

I told him I want him to put me on the vehicle title and sign the separation agreement. We get back home. He won't put me on the title because he wants to wait a few days. He won't sign the separation agreement because he thinks I need (his words) a couple of days to "cool off/think about it". Okay really because he's the one saying he doesn't want to work on it. Why do I need to spend more time "thinking". Fuck I've been thinking since July 11th when all this ending our marriage shit went down.

And I'm not changning my mind. No matter how lonely, sad, angry, hurt, tearful I feel, I just can't. I do admit if some point down the road he says he wants to reconcile I'd only be willing to do so if counseling is involved. Individual and couple. I've been convinced I'm this horrible, controlling person and I realize that's a load of shit. I've been told this is my fault for pushing poly a year ago.

Guess what? I wasn't the one who came up with the idea. He was and now in his mind I was. I actually think I wrote about it in my blog. Yeah, I wasn't too empathetic about all the frickin' messages I was getting on okc. I mean it wasn't like I was out meeting all these guys. And what was the point of discussing this perv or that with him. I put off meeting different guys because he was struggling. And again, bassman was the one who invited another man into our bedroom...all in my original blog, Nurse I believe I called finally but he was boyfriend in the beginning.

So while I took teen to the doc, I asked him to take the littles with him to wild orchid. I'm just not in an emotional place to be momma. Three year olds can sense so much. Poor little thing and poor teen. Princess has been just attached to teen for last three or four weeks. But it was good being at the pediatrician's. He gave me great advice. Be honest with my kids. Let them know what is going on. They might actually be relieved. I asked for some literature on children and divorce and received a pamphlet. Haven't read it yet. Teen took me out to dinner. I have to say she's the best 16 year old girl ever!

Wow I still get sidetracked, but maybe not. It's just how my mind works with speaking or writing. So I'm at a place I know in my mind and heart is for the best. It sucks, it hurts but a year from now or even two, I will be much happier with myself and my life.

At 9:41 I texted bassman and asked if I could talk to the kids and tell them goodnight. He said yeah, like in 25 minutes, they're watching a movie. 10:30 I get a call. Talk with Pnutt, tell him I love and miss him. Then bassman gets on the phone. princess had fallen asleep. He kept saying hello and I just did not want to talk to him. So he texts me after I hang up "so are we going to not be civil?" I called back to explain to him how that's expecting a lot from me tonight. I mean seriously...we're supposed to chat like we're friends or something. All I wanted was to tell my youngest children I love them and goodnight. I barely saw them before they left.

The separation agreement. He doesn't get if I'm willing to split custody 50/50 why he'd have to pay child support. Well, just because I want joint custody does not mean the kiddos are with him 50/50. Three weeks left until school starts. To me that means he is going to be responsbile for the littles for half that time...childcare and staying with him, with them. The teen wants absolutely nothing to do with wild orchid so will never go to stay with him while he is at her home. That is her choice, her decision. I have zero influence on that. Plus teen is busy every day with soccer and work (does get two days off but not together). Then when school starts, bassman is living in Spokane and we're in Post Falls (45 minutes away) so he'll get Pnutt on weekends but with fall saturday sports...well pnutt will pretty much be with me all the time. bassman said he'd at least get princess every other week. So the reality is, why joint custody but they'll be here at least 75% to 90% of the time. This is why I want child support. And I realize until he gets a job, I won't see a dime, but damn it I want that separation agreement signed so I can go file it at the courthouse. Get it in the system, request the child support enforcement take care of collecting the payments now rather than have to go through it later on if he doesn't follow through. He's made his choice now he needs to take accountability for it.

going to end this post and start another since i seem to run into typing too many words lately.

 

[alibabe_muse]

The title....bassman did leave me his key so I won't be "worried" he'll try to take it. Come on just sign the title and put me on it. Why string this out? I just remembered we'll need a witness to our signing the separation agreement. Hmm...may have to get wild orchid to be such person. How weird is that?

Funny how writing soothes the soul. It really does help. I hate crying, really hate it.

Sunday bassman said to me "you need to get a boyfriend". Ha...and the night before starting chatting with this guy. He's some hours away, but totally fine I am poly and was married. Today I let him know I just separated. He's cool with it, not concerned about drama. He, this new guy, has been divorced for two years and is raising his 15 year old son. Kind a nice I met someone whose been where I am now.

This is some crazy ass shit. It's all I can think right now. Well I do work in the morning so I'm drained. I've started writing for myself again, without fear of any of angering anyone now. And if this new blog does anger bassman, all I can ask him is "really? why do you care?"

 

[alibabe_muse]

Its so hard to fall asleep and stay asleep. I was fine at work until bassman called me, yelling at me. I only answered because I thought it was princess. Yesterday my mother-in-law called. Bassman had told her we're separated. She let me know how much she loves me. I start crying and was asked where did he go. Foot in mouth apparently. I spilled the beans he went to stay at his girlfriend's, told her about poly. So that's why I was yelled at, threatened. I am really struggling today. I had to leave work. I want to be left alone when I'm trying to make a living. That is in the separation agreement. No contacting me or showing up to my place of employment.

Wow to hear him say over and over I blew our marriage, I made us broken...I might start believing it. But I didn't. His words are harsh, full of resentment. All because he tried to win my heart from last July until.... First he said 6 months now its 4 months...that he gave up. Basically when he fell for wild orchid he tells me, now. But than he brings up he stopped loving me after my Montana trip the end of June. I'm so confused. What is it, November or June? Does he even know? All the hostility in his voice. The anger. I'm aching and starting to believe I screwed up.

Is that a cop out on his part? It seems like I'm the one to blame. I don't feel neither of us are to blame. I believe I did error in pursuing poly when we had cracks in place.

 

[copperhead]

Divorce is a difficult thing to go through even if it's something you really want and need. All kinds of emotions come up suddenly and they can be overwhelming. Focus on yourself, stay strong. You can do this

When I divorced, I made a deal with the father of my children to be able do co-operate on everything that has to do about the kids. That whatever emotions we are going through, we'll stay civil and work together on this. I'm really happy we managed that. It's been three years and everything works well (better than when we were married). It took both of us understanding that the kids needs come first in this and that adults have to make an extra effort to not make things worse for them. And your pediatrician is right, honesty with children is essential, it's also important to allow them their emotions. They might resent or blame you, it's ok. They want to express that they miss their dad and love him, let them. But I'm sure this stuff is obvious.

Pm me if you want to talk about these things.

 

[alibabe_muse]

Divorce is a difficult thing to go through even if it's something you really want and need. All kinds of emotions come up suddenly and they can be overwhelming. Focus on yourself, stay strong. You can do this

When I divorced, I made a deal with the father of my children to be able do co-operate on everything that has to do about the kids. That whatever emotions we are going through, we'll stay civil and work together on this. I'm really happy we managed that. It's been three years and everything works well (better than when we were married). It took both of us understanding that the kids needs come first in this and that adults have to make an extra effort to not make things worse for them. And your pediatrician is right, honesty with children is essential, it's also important to allow them their emotions. They might resent or blame you, it's ok. They want to express that they miss their dad and love him, let them. But I'm sure this stuff is obvious.

Pm me if you want to talk about these things.

Thank you copperhead. Last night was horrible for me when princess came home. She kept telling me she wanted wild orchid, that wild orchid is her family. I let bassman know this and he said no one told her that. Um so somehow a 3 year old was not told by anyone during her time away from me that wild orchid is her family and came up with it all on her own? Bullshit because princess has never ever discussed the concept of family until last night.

Today I contacted a friend who is a child psychologist. She's sending me info via snail mail. Basically princess should not be living in wild orchid's home every other week. Three is too young to be that long away from her primary caregiver.

So separation agreement is not signed. He cancelled resolving this last night so bassman could have his regular Thursday night with Wild Orchid.

Then today he tells me he had a bad dream. His best friend was trying to kill me. He had to kill the friend to save me. My interpretation is someone's subconscious is sending them a very loud and clear message.

Then he starts texting how hot & yummy I am. That he wants to fuck me tonight. That we could be fuck buddies. SERIOUSLY!!! All that text did is make me feel hugely degraded, like some cheap whore. Absolutely unbelievable he's continuing with his emotional abuse of me. And wild orchid's a behavorial therapist and appears to be clueless to all that he's saying to me. Argh!

So tonight we talk. He's driving this bus. He speaks first. And I will hold my ground. I will not give in. I realized legally until our bankruptcy is filed and discharged, no legal document should be filed. This is not about money for me. Its about selfish adults waking up and being accountable for their decisions. I want a 3 month separation. Limited contact which is only related to the kids. One family meal a week and he leaves as soon as we are done. The littles will not go to wild orchid's home. He will do child care here in the kids home on his days off. Wild Orchid is not allowed to be inside this house. The kids will not spend any nights with him unless it is at his parents home. Yes he now has a job but near his new home. Getting here on Tues, Wed & Thur he'll need to figure out. I'll be putting princess into child care in Sept for Mon & Fri when he works.

I know I'm heading on the right path for the kids and myself. I will not be dating anyone nor having sex. My clarity needs to be on me.

 

[alibabe_muse]

Fingers crossed this last month of my marriage is over to we're working on it back to over is done for good. Hubby does love me, does want to work on it. He had a very intense bad dream Thursday night in which a friend was trying to kill me. He killed the friend.

When I picked him up last night from his new job he told me he was bothered by it all day long. His mean words earlier this week were nothing but anger.

Now I'll only get 3 nights with him and every other Friday night until we are able to buy a second car. The other nights he'll live at his girlfriend's. His job is Fri to Mon. This works for me.

So far my only stipulation is "I love you good morning" texts and calls to me at night. A friend recommended I stipulate no contacting his girlfriend while with me. I've learned my lesson on that. No more making issues about "her & him". The issues must be about my "needs'.

I'll see him again tomorrow evening. There is one last stipulation I do want to put out there. Not using this word but it is what he's been doing. No more emotional abuse. This means no more saying he hasn't loved me in months, no more "we're over" when we have a disagreement, just no more passive aggressive behavior.

To some I may appear weak, or stupid or just dumb. But I do know this new job has already made him happier already. That a good work environment makes one in a better mood. That his home will no longer feel despairing. That we as a family have a few common goals that were lost this last year of opening to polyamory.

And if it doesn't work at least both of us will never regret not trying to work on us.

 

[alibabe_muse]

poly hell

It's interesting to me how an article I read about a year ago http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles/are-you-in-poly-hell is forgotten while actually living it. When I first read that, bassman was in it (and I wasn't even dating anyone) and in a few months, the roles reversed and I started living it for months and months, not aware of what I was experiencing up until Sunday night last week.

This part really hits home for me: This is because the primary partner is experiencing a scarcity of time and romance with their partner, and their pleas for their partner to focus attention on the relationship fall on deaf ears. As one man said, “Not only was she spending most of her time with this other guy, whenever I tried to tell her how I felt she ignored me and didn't seem to care that I was very unhappy.” Eventually they feel so abandoned and humiliated that they are likely to leave the relationship, because the cumulative affect of unmet needs will necessitate them shifting their own relationship energy elsewhere to another partner (or partners) who will be more attentive and available. Unfortunately, it is only at the point that the primary partner decides to end the relationship that the partner usually takes their demands seriously, because they have been oblivious and naively believed that the relationship was secure. And by then it is usually too late to repair the damage, as their partner is already on their way out the door, and feels so mistreated and distrustful they are unlikely to be deterred.

So I've been thinking alot about the other side of this W in this poly configuration. Metamour's husband has been pushing her away from him. He's making her out to be the bad guy to all their children and his mother. Now if this MAN really didn't want to loose his wife, why in the hell is he doing these actions that are pushing her away from him?

As I look inside their world, what I am seeing is many, many things the other 4 people are oblivious to:

1 - Wild Orchid's Husband is no longer in love with her
2 - Wild Orchid's Husband wants to end their marriage but is a chicken shit
3 - Wild Orchid's Husband is pushing her away so she's the one who ends their marriage
4 - by doing #3 above, he won't be the "bad guy" but she'll be the "bad woman"
5 - Every time bassman and I start to bond, get close, are repairing our broken marriage, Wild Orchid is having "issues" and is "hurting"
6 - That Wild Orchid actually realizes what is happening in her marriage
7 - Wild Orchid sees that bassman loves me, really loves me, and can't accept him drawing closer to me
8 - That I'm going to have to accept Wild Orchid's neediness the very next day after we reconnect and rebuild
9 - I also have to the choice to not accept it and discuss with bassman the epiphany I had yesterday

I so want to ask metamour's husband what in the hell is he doing? Does he want to end his marriage because all the actions he's been doing for months now actually don't show a man who is worried he'll loose his wife but of a man wanting his wife to leave him.

But I won't contact him. It's not my place even if their relationship sends ripples into my relationship.

 

[alibabe_muse]

Life with bassman is going good. Repairing our relationship is definitely a lot of work with tons of patience on both sides. I started reading The Five Love Languages. It is very insightful and the concepts are amazing. I believe bassman is a words of affirmation love language and I'm quality time. Go figure all my lamenting these many months have been on just that, quality time. And not just being in the same room but eye contact. He says he'll read it when I'm done. I can't push as that is a demand but he is aware of the importance to me he does read it.

On other fronts was chatting with a "local" (Spokane is a half hour away but its as local in regards to available poly peeps) guy for a bit. Haven't heard back since Sat night. I'm reading into it his girlfriend is not ok with poly as much as he explained. That's ok though, best be now than down the road.

Off of fetlife this Aussie gentleman messaged me last month. I decided to reply back. We've talked twice now. First time was Sat and earlier this evening. He's in South Africa doing work and returns to the States later this week. I'm a bit gaga on his accent. Within a week he'll be in my state. No plans, yet, on meeting but there's an interest on both our sides. He's 32 and very handsome.

Its strange having a man extremely enamored about me. From our talk tonight it sounds like he's going to make a visit up here to meet me. As this develops I promise to update.

Sunday this polycue is planning a family outing. Floating the river. I'm scared. Really not sure I'm ready but summer will be over soon and its "neutral" environment. All the strides I made are gone in regards to wanting to interact with the other parts of this W, mostly my side of the V. But baseman's right with all the hinges communication is fractured. He accepts responsibility on his end. This is a good thing though. He realizes as I did, I've been in poly hell for quite some time. My need of having validation was hard to get but now its out there, I honestly feel better.

Now how do I help repair the damage our short official separation created between bassman and his mother? Having my heart broken was not how I planned (never thought we would) to come out as poly to our parents. Its so hard because they see it as sinful, sick, deviant.

Other good but bad news. I put in my notice at work. Majority of everyone is supportive but my supervisor is kind a being bitch. Excited to start new job!

 

[SNeacail]

I started reading The Five Love Languages. It is very insightful and the concepts are amazing. I believe bassman is a words of affirmation love language and I'm quality time.

This was a HUGE help for my husband and I. I'm works of service and quality time. He could never understand why I didn't want to be close when he refused to help with housework or blew off my requests for help. I would complain about him never being home and his response was to stay home and be on the computer til 1am - so a complete disconnect. We both learned HOW to request what we need and learned the best way to show affection for the other by giving them what they needed instead of giving them what we wanted. My husband didn't read the whole thing, but we did go over the highlights and items that pertained to us (about a week prior to our counselor bringing it up). When the marriage counselor did bring it up, we were prepared and we were able to discuss it in more detail with third party help.

 

[alibabe_muse]

Ugh. I don't think I'm poly. I'm not sure how one "decides" that they are capable of loving more than one or not. A year ago I felt that I was. Yet in retrospect, I know bassman and I needed to work on us. Hindsight does me no good now. What I fear is my new guy will sweep me off my feet and due to batsman's constant inequity of time he gives to wild orchid when with me versus time given to me when he's with her just becomes more and more obvious to me. Maybe that's the epiphany I'm feeling right now.

Also my kids have been affected badly by poly. I'm very much at fault for it yet I know baasman is just as much at fault too. Kids are our priority, well were supposed to be when we started this journey, but they have not been. This hit me Friday night with Princess. The poor girl has been acting out and both of us were oblivious to it. Our lives have not been stable or nurturing. So in my mind I feel like being poly is not healthy for the kids, at all. Yes others out there make it work but this here couple has screwed up, badly.

My 8 year old keeps telling me daily with tears in his eyes he wants his family back like we were three years ago. I've asked him not to tell his dad but maybe its time he says it to bassman. These kids, they didn't ask us to make them. They were never consulted on what makes them feel secure. We, their parents, just went with this concept and have forced them to deal with it. So not fair to them.

Well today I'm feeling depressed. It didn't hit me hard until the drive home. Guess I've got some thinking to do.

 

[SNeacail]

Ugh. I don't think I'm poly. I'm not sure how one "decides" that they are capable of loving more than one or not. A year ago I felt that I was.

Many people are capable of loving more than one, but not necessarily good at juggling all the extra responsibilities that come with being actively living a poly life.

Yet in retrospect, I know bassman and I needed to work on us. Hindsight does me no good now.

I disagree - It's hard to see how bad things are really getting until they are unbearable. Start counseling and work on your relationship and your family. Accept that there were "Oh Shit! We really screwed up" moments and work together on how to avoid the same mistakes in the past.

Also my kids have been affected badly by poly.

This statement annoys the crap out of me. It wasn't poly that affected your kids badly, but how you and Bassman handled the situation and added stress. I have seen the exact same disconnect and damage to the family when people are too involved in activities away from the family, be it church, scouts, PTA, work, sports, etc. I literally had the same complaints about my husband when he was off to scout meetings/activities 4 days a week and 3 out of 4 weekends a month. He said he was doing it "for the boys", but the boys were unhappy because he never had attention for just them, it was always the group or someone else and he was never home. I had similar feelings as a kid when my mom was overly committed to the PTA, she missed the time after my graduation where we were could take pictures and talk to people, because she was transporting people that had been there as entertainment for graduation. What sticks in my head is that I didn't get any pictures with her and she wasn't around after the ceremony - for years I resented it, even if it wasn't fair to her.

Is it time for drastic changes? YES!!!! Your kid has been telling you that things must change. Will you be able to live a poly life while trying to raise your kids? Unknown, obviously not the way you have been doing it. From my experience, a third party is the best route. It's also the quickest way to find a workable solution. Many times, it's just a matter of restructuring priorities. Sometimes even small changes can make phenomenal differences.

 

[Dagferi]

Also my kids have been affected badly by poly.

This sentence here bothered me too. The way you and Bassman have handled poly affected your children badly.

Poly has had a positive effect on my children. They have gained a whole new family including grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins from poly. Who have embraced them with NOTHING but love. Murf's mother dotes on them as much as her biological grandchildren and more than my mother who hasn't given two shits about my kids in years if ever.

They have gained a father figure whom they feel extremely close to and who they can go to to talk when they can't talk to Mom and Dad. He has given them things Butch and I cannot.

Their needs have been put first from the get go not the need to get my rocks off. We haven't allowed NRE to be an excuse for bad behavior.

 

[alibabe_muse]

wrong way to phrase

Hmm...I don't think poly is bad for kids in general, just the issues in my marriage, that came from poly, have affected the youngest and it's not just poly, but a ton of things that has caused some regressive patterns for her. She's now back in daycare, which her big sis has been taking care of her and her older brother, but not having much interactions with kiddos her own age has caused princess to act out lately. My form of poly, that hasn't affected her. All my choices have been based on what is best for the kids, not me, which is why I have no S.O. as the hubs does.

And he has realized choices and resentment did no one any good, including himself. I'm still thinking he was going through a midlife crisis. Making all these rash decisions etc.

But all in all, life with us is getting better. More communication. Although I'm still aggravated about the players in this W I'm at the end of. Posts I made back on July 25th created a big discord between hub and I last night. He was "angry" with the information that was told to him. HaHaHa...so you know that game "telephone"...If bassman wants to know what I wrote under that other username, he should go read it himself...not be informed by wild orchid, who was informed by her spouse what I wrote during a very emotional traumatic time in my life. It goes back to a statement I quoted that bassman said to me. I didn't make it up at all...but as I said on my original blog here near the end...he doesn't remember spoken words and doesn't remember what he said to me when he veto'd Jim and I insisted if he's doing a veto, than he needs to end his relationship with wild orchid if he's going to do that to me.

I'm not going to apologize to anyone for writing here. I will not stop writing here either but I'm getting fucking sick and tired of metamour's spouse and her too using shit I write to cause problems between bassman and myself. It's getting ridiculously tiring.

So when I was off to the store last night wild orchid contacts hub about that statement he said I wrote there. Bassman than became "angry" with me. I completely sensed it when I got home but didn't know what was up. Then he has me look at a comment he made on fb to our nephew and I see wild orchid's text flash across the top..with words of "compassion".

If this woman has a problem with something I write...then please FUCKING contact me first before running your nose in between bassman and I. How grown up are we? Wait...wild orchid's hub is 49 and she's 48 and I just don't get this high school shit from adults that say they've been poly for 16 years now. I think metamour's hub needs to grow some balls and man up. He has his girlfriend living in their home, his relationship with his wife has changed by his own behaviors and he can't stop trying to end wild orchid and bassman's relationship. That's just pure stupidness. Hahaha...and to wild orchid's kids that read this...GROW UP TOO! Your parent's have been living this lifestyle while they raised you and now that daddy can't accept mommy having true feelings for another man...he's loosing his shit. I just want that shit to stay out of my life, please.

Okay so I'm still upset by this from last night. I can feel it in my tone above and yeah, I'm mad. Like bassman said last night...he wishes he never said anything to me. My response before he said that was "I'm sick and tired of every single time we (bassman and I) start healing and growing, wild orchid has to fuck it up with this shit or with some "need" of being sad because her spouse doesn't have any balls...(bassman said she isn't a cowgirl)...well than what the hell was she doing tonight instead of contacting me first"?

And bassman thinks all 5 of us hanging out will "fix" this crap yeah right. When parties are not willing there's no point in forcing anyone to hang out.

Onto good stuff
Yesterday was my last day with the cpa firm. There was some drinks and beers and I cranked out 16 tax returns before I boxed up my stuff to head home. I'll miss them but I know I will love my new job just as much. Actually, my new job is a former employer. I start Tuesday.

Aussie guy...well aussie guy wants to talk on the phone a lot. I'm okay with it, but I still haven't met him yet. He's almost too good to be true. And that's the crux...I don't know if he's "real". He offered to help me out of debt. Asked me how much and said no problem.

I feel so weird hearing someone say that to me. I'm not a gold digger and that's not why I'm interested in him at all. He says he feels a strong connection to me. I just want to meet in person to see/experience if there is really a connection or not.

Back to the calls...I prefer texts more until I actually meet/know someone. It's easier for me when I get home from work and am doing those nightly parent duties. I really don't have the free time every night to talk for over an hour. Yes he and I talk for almost 2 hours some times. Hearing his voice though...it does give me a warmth and soothes me.

Which reminds me, I think he deserves a call today. We haven't chatted on the phone since Tuesday during drive from work to get kids from daycare.

 

[alibabe_muse]

My last post from August 2014 I just stopped reading, writing and learning. I went into survival mode.

I will admit the months between then and 06/30/15 did not get better. By July 1st 2015 I accepted his text request for a divorce with an “ok” back.
Now I’ve found my journal there’s so much to write out.

 

[Leetah]

Oh wow! Welcome back Alibabe! I hope you are long out of survival mode and your kids are well.

It would be great to read what has been happening in your life.

If you want to get active here again though, I'd say don't get too hung up on a full update. Sometimes people do and it keeps them from getting to post the current stuff they wanted to post.

Leetah

 

[alibabe_muse]

Thank you Leetah! It’s nice to feel welcomed. I will heed your advice. A timeline sounds appropriate.

Jan 2015 Bassman officially moved in with Wild Orchid
Jun 30 2015 he texted he wanted a divorce my response was “ok”
Jul 19 2015 started dating a Dom until May 2017
Divorce finalized jul 2016, I filed feb 2016
Jul 2017 dated exclusively until 9 months later I realized I wasn’t happy
May 2017 decided to just date and then I realized my desire to date was poly so I’m solo poly.

Back in July 2017 I reconnected with a boyfriend from 1991. He’s poly too!

We’re best friends who once in awhile play but not often. I’m good friends with his wife and one of his girlfriends as well . I’ve known his wife longer than him.

I currently have a paramour and a fwb. There’s potential others I’ve met recently that the paramour and I would like to get to know together and separately.

Paramour is solo poly as well. I’m finding here in Spokane where I’m at (just a half hour from old home) has a very friendly and growing poly community.

 

[alibabe_muse]

The real next chapter

Hmm, where to start.

After realizing while going through grief from the breakup of my D/s relationship it hit me I had never finished the grief process of my marriage ending with Bassman. It was the day when I was mourning the loss of trips the Dom and I use to take was what I'd miss from that relationship ending. I knew it sounds petty and that was not why I was in a relationship with the person, only that he made choices to treat me extra special. But in realizing that's what I'd miss, I then was able to finally really grieve the end of a concept.

Next guy was a 13 years older and such a sissy. I don't mean to be mean but geez seriously he had some internal issues. Didn't ever really want to see me but wasn't willing to make it an open relationship. Then his depression kicked in and I, well, I just couldn't be the girlfriend who broke up with him when he was down. He started getting happier in the spring but on a date, he inquired why I was angry with bassman and wild orchid. I start telling him what happen to find he's walked from my kitchen into my living room, on facebook, getting off on replies to his post about his new jacket. I decided I needed to break it off, but it took me 10 days to do it. What's good is we're still friends.

I put myself back on the dating apps, took two months before I was interested in someone to go on a date. This was from May to the end of June. I met many different interesting men, but only connected with a few over the summer. Basically one summer lover to another.

I went on this date with a sweety but as we were talking (and at this point I hadn't quite decided if poly was for me I was just "dating" and not settling with any one person, trying to avoid the habit of getting all consumed over one person) but as we were talking he said he's very monogamous. I knew in that moment monogamy wasn't for me. His words made me feel cornered so to speak.

Dating is good when you're re-discovering yourself and to just keep dating. One of my summer lovers, I'll call him, Adonis, since he does fade in and out of my life recently. He originally contacted me 11 months prior when I first got on Tinder, disappeared, sent me a 2018 Happy NYE message and then in August I replied back to his recent message. Funny when a date cancels on me somehow a newbie just out of the blue at the right moment, contacts me. This happened on this day (along with bassman being narcissitic and threatening me due to him making plans to take the kids labor day weekend to orgegon...problem was i get the kids even years for memorial and labor day - yes I will be dealing with this from him for at least another 10 to 15 years, I figure once the youngest is on her own our interractions will finally be zero, can't wait for that day). So Adonis keeps telling me about his amazing condo apartment in downtown. He keeps inviting me over for wine. i tell him, we need to meet somewhere public before I ever go to your place.

We set a time, I walk up to the restaurant and he's outside. There was instant chemistry. We talked, shared an appetizer and had one drink. We went across the street to his apartment. It is amazingly awesome. 9th Floor, looks out over the entire NE view of the city. He gave me a tour of other parts of the building, like the roof. He walked me out and hugged me goodbye.

That night he texted me asking if my breasts were real. Yes I wore my favorite blue summer dress where my cleavage looks amazing. It's in a way a test. Yes a hard test for a man, but still a test. Can they keep their eyes focused on my eyes or my breasts? The ones who stay on my eyes I tend to have a 2nd date with, the ones who can't stop looking down at my breasts, I don't see again. I know, so not fair. But hey, it works for me.

Then he asks if I could handle him and sends me a couple of naked pics of him (um yeah his body omg, thus the name Adonis). We chat more that night and discuss a 2nd date. Decided to take a walk the next day.

Next day we meet down at a spot on the Centennial Trail, which is right on the Spokane River. We chat, but due to Bassman, I'm in such angst that I can't stop talking about him. BAD MOVE I've learned with men who are monogamous. We went back to his vehicle and then back to where my car was parked. We start kissing (damn those kisses get me every time), then I feel his hardness through his pants, unzip and start giving him oral pleasure. Next thing I know we're in the backseat of his suv and he cums all over my face, shooting it as far as the passenger door my head was resting on. Found out he's never done that. Oh, he's 51 and a sales man for an automation company who graduated college with an engineering degree.

This was the beginning of August. We next saw each other two Fridays later. I went to his place again. We went up to the roof, it was the bite of spokane that weekend so we could people watch everyone at riverfront park, drank wine, talked, he starts stroking my thigh, my legs open wider, we start kissing and eventually I'm pressed up against the window of this "covered" area on the roof, looking down at all the people while he pounds me from behind. He cums, I did cum too, and it may sound like it happened fast here but it didn't. Then we decide to go look out the roof on the unrented penthouse side. I'm standing there looking out, he's behind me, brings down the top of my dress exposing my breasts, drops his pants and starts ramming me (yes he was a rough lover) and next thing as I'm cumming I notice a light went on behind us we look over our shoulders and the management was showing a penthouse suite! We both just stop, he starts running to the side of the building, I'm trailing behind. It was quite the experience of feeling like a teenager caught in the act. We went back to his apartment and then had more sex. He came three times that night.

In the meantime though I was still making connections on the dating sites. Adonis cancelled the next two dates we had. I had been talking to this one guy since July, he wanted to meet me but my pof profile said I was looking for a relationship (well I was but also potential friends/lovers too) so once he knew I wouldn't get all serious on him, he asked me out. We had our first date the first weekend of September. I also pushed, hmmm what to call him as he is still in my life right now, Pono that's his name, to meet me because I was so a flutter about how Adonis fucked me I needed to know what another man would be like and would I think about Adonis? Could I really be with one man and not pine for the other.

Pono and I met at a restaurant downtown since it was in between where he lives and my place. He too, actually wanted to not meet in public and have our first meeting at his house where he wanted to cook me dinner. It's very romantic but I had to tell him too nope I only do meet & greats in public. He was good with it. There was chemistry between us as well. Dinner was good and he offered to smoke 420 with me back at his place. I went because I was attracted to him and we could talk great together. We smoked a little and then he took me up to his bedroom. We had sex three times before I went home. I started giggling and he asked if i was giggling at him. I said no, I'm just super happy. So yes I found out, I am able to focus on whom I'm with and not even think about the other lover. I realized I liked this dating stuff. But because Pono was clear our "relationship" would be just for fun, I left as soon as we shared a cigarette and went home. I have never spent the night with Pono.

So I'm driving home and am so excited with the realization I can do poly. I have always been attracted to more than one person at a time, I've loved in the past more than one and I want to make my new life be a poly life.

Coming up next.....the ending of Adonis

 

[alibabe_muse]

Interruption, current retrospect in my head

I’ve been thinking about why did I block out a lot of what I wrote here after meeting Sir. The biggest slap in my face is actions and words said to the kids without mentioning it to me first. That’s where Bassman and I went wrong. I know I tried my best. The kids now are against poly and say they just don’t get it or it’s rammed (boys words, he’s 13 now) down their throats at their dad’s. I decided explaining my choices weren’t the time and they don’t meet “friends”. But my point to myself is I blocked out so much from July 2014 to Nov 2014. I remember all of it after that. How the kids felt. I still don’t know the why. Maybe the married no divorce no separate no married daily choices by Bassman and myself were the epitome of my lowest feeling of worth trying to desperately save a relationship I knew was unhealthy, had been for many many years prior to 2013. That I had to survive and that meant to stop writing here and focus on teaching myself I could be a sole income earner that I had to learn to adjust. It must be I started dating here and there to have a back up plan too. I didn’t when it finally was over. That was good and bad.


This post is all over. No intent if I’ve lost you. Ok I can’t beat myself up for blocking memories from a short turbulent time period in the past. I did learn a more responsible way of showing I’m polyamorous to my children. It does mean baby steps but I’m in no rush.

 

[alibabe_muse]

Bye bye Adonis

I met Adonis the Monday following Labor Day. It was lots of hot sexy funafter we ate the dinner I cooked. We cuddled and chatted a little after. I sensed a difference is best I can describe it as we were making plans for our next date.

A day before date he rescheduled. By that point I had already figured out he started seeing someone else and being mono I became a backup plan. Yeah I’m not dumb. Ugh sometimes men.

Well I accidentally forgot my favorite shawl I got in Vegas at his place. He forgot to bring it that last date night. Over a week later he finally dropped it off to me at my work. I told him I was okay he was dating someone else, no biggie. He said he wasn’t and set another date.

Okay I’m really not dumb. I already knew what would happen. It’s October 20th. 7 pm hits and he’s a no show and no text. I laughed and I laughed hard. I texted him and said you could’ve just been honest instead of leading me on. He texted back a couple times right after that. I did read them but didn’t respond. No biggie.

I had already decided before 7, when he made the date, I would go out and enjoy myself alone for a first in a long time. As I got about 5 minutes from my house I received a text from the guy I had canceled a meet and greet with the day before.

Up next I’m going to think of a name for my current paramour. I need to ponder this. Good things coming your way.��

 

[alibabe_muse]

Ganga and he's just yummy

Ganga...where to start?

So the Sunday before the scheduled date with Adonis I felt an urge to check out locals on okc. The profile name said "john" (now a days okc makes us put a name rather than a username on our profiles) and I clicked in to read his profile. The pictures he has are, well not really flattering, but he was still attractive to me. I read through his profile, scrolled back up and my eyes caught onto "open to non-monogamy". Now a lot of younger locals have that in their profile but when i chat with them, I discover it's these young guys way of getting hook-ups. But with Ganga seeing that for a "43" year old, I took a chance. I liked his profile and sent him a message on 10/14/18. He got back to me shortly after that. He flirted and I asked what "non-monogamy" meant to him. He replied back with a great description, but the bottom line was his desire to maintain his autonomy and to be in a relationship without expectations. From what he wrote I sensed he might be a relationship anarchist. My next reply was even those who are RA do have expectations. We're human and no matter how hard we try there's an expectation somewhere in our head or hearts and that insecurities do happen. He responded with admitting even men have a feminine side that feels insecurity as well. Next I wanted to meet him. We were both kid free but the next day was tax deadline day and I just got home from working a 55 work week that Sunday. The next night he asked if I wanted to meet. I was torn. Yes but exhausted so I choose quiet relaxing time to myself (every Sunday and Monday the kids are with Bassman). We made plans to do our meet & greet on Friday.

Thursday we touch base but he hadn't figured a place. I'm still a newbie to our city and suggested he pick a place. Friday comes and I text him I had a bad headache. I did, but in all honesty I wasn't really sure I wanted to meet him. His question about who was paying for the drinks kinda threw me off. I've been so "babied" by dates I had just gotten use to men treating me to a night out. So with the mild headache and not sure about this person I cancelled thinking I'd never hear from him again.

A little about Ganga. He divorced 5 years ago. He has 3 kids (girl 12, boy 9, girl 7 - yep like me girl 19, boy 13, girl 7) and his marriage was monogamous and opened to poly. His divorce was ugly, brutal and Bassman has no clue how easy I made our divorce in comparison to what I could've done (never even wanted to hurt him I just wanted to be divorced).

There was a part of me that wondered did I just write off a real true connection? Well I'll never know I thought. A few hours after i got off work that day, 10/19/18, Pono texted me. He came over that night, we played and had fun. Yes a small part of me felt a little guilt that I was with my fwb and didn't meet this new potential. Oh well my loss right?

So the next night, 10/20, as I told you on the ending of Adonis, Ganga texted me asking if I was feeling better and if so, would I like to meet him. I replied back I'd love to. It took two hours later before he figured out a place to meet. He drove for about 45 minutes trying to find someplace. The super funny is: I SHOULD HAVE JUST SUGGESTED IT. He picked the quiet bar that is closest to my house.

I drove a long route to the bar. I hadn't met him yet and if there wasn't a connection, I didn't want this stranger to realize I live really close by. He texted where he was sitting.

I walk in the bar, look over to where he said he was and OMFG if there is such thing of love at first sight, maybe it's sexual carnal attraction at first sight, but yeah, I looked at him and decided I want to find out more.

I went over to where he was sitting, he stood up, 6'3 (I'm 5'2) and we hugged. It was a nice hug. Felt good. I then went to the bar and ordered myself a vodka 7. Ganga already had a beer. We're talking and even though the bar is dead, the DJ just started up so it was little hard to hear each other. We both discovered not only do we enjoy tobacco but mary jane too. We go outside to have a cigarette and our drinks are at half full. We talk a lot out there. Discuss safe sex, he tells me he's bi (omg if I wore panties they would have been drenced) and says he always uses condoms. I invite him back to my place so we could smoke a bowl.

When he arrived (I have two dogs now that I'm a homeowner) my akita mix (who was a rescue dog that I adopted after thanksgiving 2017 is a bit skittish around men and if they're tall, more so) was scared I think mostly by how tall Ganga is. My puppy, she's a lab mix, was just all over him (7 months at that time). We smoked a little, then we started kissing and then we made it into my bedroom.

Our sex that first night was so hot and went so long. He would've stayed over but had a disk golf planned for his early sunday morning.

The next day he's supposed to get his kids around 5. He texts me at 2 and asks me to come over to play. It's so interesting to me though. Our chemistry together. Even his kiss makes me squirt.

In those first two days yes we had sex early but what's been amazing is our conversations. They start from a base of vulnerability. From the first date we've both been raw and real. It's so very refreshing.

I have more to tell and record for my own memories. And these are some of my happiest memories as an adult so I want to be sure to write about them. I've discovered I typically, even in high school and college, journal when I'm depressed. I want to also journal when I'm ecstatic! Life isn't just remembering the sadness but also the joy!

But good news is Ganga and I are still dating and we'll be at a 3 month mark on the 20th of this month.

What I've been trying to "control" within myself is the love escalator. I'm not sure that's a real term as I know of the relationship escalator. Being financially independent, a homeowner, single mom I don't want to loose myself within a defined relationship dynamic. But my feelings have been growing and in the last month I've been fighting my feelings. It's almost like I felt ashamed to be experiencing deep feelings for Ganga. My deep feelings ie I love him, do not mean to me I want him to tell me he reciprocates those feelings (I want an individual to tell me they have deep feelings because they do, not just because I say the L word) nor that I want to stop my nor a partner's autonomy BUT for some reason it's like being solo poly I'm not supposed to have escalating emotions. Thus why I came back to the forum and have joined various poly groups on facebook including local ones too.

BUT FOR THOSE WHO READ WHAT I WRITE:

I am so happy. I was happy before meeting Ganga. It's just its a first in my polyiness that I've been truly happy. I told Ganga I think last night that he's actually the first man I've dated who is actually poly. It sure makes this evolving life experience much easier to navigate.

Okay why his name is Ganga and the fwb is Pono.

When I first chatted with Pono he had on his profile he was in agriculture. I asked him if he worked at a local pot farm. He said no I own one. I've been a mary jane fan since I was 14 and now I'm 47. I discovered dating non-420 friendly individuals wouldn't work for me. I don't want to hide who I am. I thought that was cool, someone who enjoys 420.

Then Ganga has a medicinal grow license and works at a different local farm. Wouldn't that have been funny if Ganga worked for Pono? But that is not the case. It took me a month after meeting Ganga to tell Pono about him. It wasn't I was trying to be unethical but that I needed to have the conversation in person and not via a text. This was right before Pono took off after Thanksgiving to Hawaii. I could sense he was a little perturbed by it. I told Pono "well we did say we're just seeing each other for fun and I'm pretty sure you've been going on dates with other women". Pono said yes that's true and he hasn't had sex with anyone else. After we finished our dinner we went back to my place to have fun. One thing I cannot stand when enjoying bodies is being asked things like "am i the best you've ever had" all those insecurites from a man being voiced while my body is telling them I'm so into you just shut the f up please. Neediness isn't sexy.

So Pono went on a two week vacation....

And the relationship with Ganga is continuing to grow. Next will be a recording of Ganga and Ali's evolving relationship and some early internal insecurities I've been working through with the support of Ganga, my bestfriend, I'll call him BFF, it's just easier that way, and his girlfriend, my new confidant, I'll call her Jubilant. Now can I remember these pseudonyms?