Metamours being Pals?

L

Littlepenguin

New member
Okay, so I'm now in an official polyamorous relationship. It's all pretty new, but so far so good. My question is, what are people's experiences when being friends with your metamour? Or what about how you felt when you're metamours were friends?

I think that my metamour and I could be pretty good friends, simply because he is almost the male version of me. We get along really well and have a ton in common. My partner has stated that she would love for us to be friends and get along and he too seems to be pretty down for it. (We are actually hanging out just the two of us next week. A lesbro date of sorts).

Have people had good or bad experiences when metamours become good friends?
 
I expect my husbands to be polite t to each other but they do not need to be friends.

If I had metamours I would prefer to have not much to do with them socially.
 
My husband old fwb and I became very good friends (me more so than him) I guess the only downside is that she didn't like hearing about the other chicks he fucked and as a friend it was hard not to vent to her.

My partners are not friends nor do they socialize. They are polite to each other if they happen to cross paths
 
Rocket scientist and Pussy Galore were already pretty good friends before I started dating PG. It keeps things interesting. The friendship certainly suffered when PG and I were on the drama roller coaster. And I feel weirdly in the middle when something happens in their friendship (usually the result of PG being flaky).
 
The closest I've come to having a metamour (who actually introduced me to other people as her metamour) was when Boots and I were involved. His girlfriend and I met at a dinner for poly women, and we got along quite well. I wouldn't have minded becoming friends, or at least friendly, with her, except since then Boots and I've only seen each other a handful of times, not at all for the past three weeks, so I'm considering that not a thing anymore.

Hubby's monogamous, so no metamour there. My first boyfriend was polysexual but monoamorous and rarely fucked the same woman more than once or twice, so no metamour there. My second boyfriend thought he was poly until he went on a date with someone else a couple months after he and I got together, and spent the entire week leading up to the date and then most of the date itself feeling like he was cheating on me, after which he didn't see her again or attempt to date anyone else until he met the woman he broke up with me for, so no metamour there.

To be honest, I kind of prefer not having a metamour. It just seems to make life simpler. If I did have a metamour, I wouldn't necessarily want to even meet them, let alone be their friend. I definitely wouldn't want to be told I *had to* meet them or *had to* become friends with them. If a friendship grows organically, it's a good thing, but if it's only there because both people are involved with the same person, it doesn't sound like it would be much fun.
 
I need to know my metamours. I don't particularly need to be friends with them, but I do want to be on speaking terms with them. I've met Marian's husband Ranger a couple of times and he was completely cool. If I had an issue, I feel that I could talk with him about it. I've met one of Purr's people and the lack of meeting the rest would be a much bigger thing if they were larger parts of her lives instead of basically FWBs.

For whatever reason, I don't feel secure unless I can actually look someone in the eyes and know that they are honestly cool with poly. I don't want to be blindsided by a veto or similar situation. I don't need to be best buddies, but I want to at least be on speaking terms.

And I want to be able to contact my metamours directly if something comes up. I recently had an issue with one of my metamours through Purr, and it was cleared up really quickly because I just messaged him an explanation and apology. I think if I had to triangulate through her it wouldn't have been resolved so quickly, and he wouldn't have been able to see how sincere I was and that his feelings actually meant something to me.

As far as experiences, my metamour Purr turned into one of my lovers because we ended up being such good friends. I haven't had any bad experiences yet, but I've only been poly for a few months.
 
If you do a Tag Search and/or an Advanced Search here (start by limiting the search function to search only titles) for the word "metamour," you will find a gold mine of information on this type of relationship, in numerous discussions. Happy searching!
 
Lad y and I are pretty good friends. We both enjoy musical theatre which real doesn't care for. We are also both teachers. The common ground is nice. So we have girl dates every do often. We hang out just us every so often. I prefer being friendly with my metas.

While it's not a requirement, I find friendly relationships are helpful overall. But that's my style. If friendly meta relationship work for you. You should go for it.

I will caution strong boundaries. For example, Lady and I don't go into any details about our individual relationship with real. Though we will talk through the three way dynamics if needed. We also give a heads up if we have a big thing going on just so the other is aware. For example, she and real were having a difficult patch with the child rearing ( good help them they have a 13 yr old girl! ) And she might haveto interrupt my time for real to talk with the kiddie. Real had already talked to me about this but sometimes he forgets to say. So it was nice to be kept in the loop. I will also let her know about my big stuff that could affect or interrupt their time.
But mostly we are friends so you share that stuff naturally.
We take care not to triangular or over share though while still being connected
 
Hi Littlepenguin,

I was friends with my partner and metamour before we even became partner/metamours to each other. Now, the early years of our poly relationship put a strain on my friendship with my metamour, but luckily we got through all that, and today I'd say my metamour and I are even better friends than we were in the beginning.

Not that I think it's requisite for metamours to be friends with each other. But it's a nice perk.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
well, as I write this, my husband and my boyfriend are out at a concert together, so...

I've met both of my metamours, hung out with them one-on-one and can definitely see being friends with them. And honestly, I think I like it this way.

And my husband is making an effort to get to know his metamour (and vice versa), so I think it's good things all around, at least for us.

But, of course, it all depends on what everybody is comfortable with.
 
I'd rather date my girl than my metamours...lol.

I cross paths with one quite a bit. We all hung out at a poly social last week and got along fine. There is a little bit of tension there because they are having some problems, but nothing major.
 
Roger and Jack were friends before Jack and I started seeing each other. It makes things easier when Jack comes over or the three of us spend time together.

Taylor and I are on friendly terms. We occasionally talk, but don't see each other often. This works well. The four of us have hung out a few times before, which is fun. I appreciate not feeling pressured to have to be friends with Taylor, seeing as I have little time to cultivate any other relationships at this time.
 
Littlepenguin said:
My question is, what are people's experiences when being friends with your metamour? Or what about how you felt when you're metamours were friends? . . . Have people had good or bad experiences when metamours become good friends?
Click to expand...

I haven't had very many metamours, since most men I have dated on my poly journey have been single and/or mono. Of the few metas I have had: I communicated via email a few times with one and did not meet any of the others, so I don't have any experience of establishing a friendship with a metamour. I'd be open to it, but wouldn't want a friendship to be expected of me.
 
nycindie said it more succinctly than I did. I have no objection to meeting a metamour if I had one...if I were *asked* to do so. If I were told it was a requirement of the relationship, hell no. I have an allergy to doing what other people tell me I have to do solely because they say so.

In thinking about it... my first boyfriend, Guy, and Hubby did have a friendly connection, though I don't know whether either of them would say they were friends. Hubby and I were together at the party where I met Guy, so Hubby met him at the same time. Guy told me after an hour or so of talking that he was worried Hubby would have an issue with him (Guy) paying so much attention to me. When I passed that along to Hubby, he took Guy outside and said, "I just want to let you know that whatever she's okay with, I'm okay with, but if you hurt her you're fucked." That formed a bond of mutual respect and friendliness between them that lasted a year and a half, until Guy did what he did last fall that caused me to end the relationship. At this point, a year later, Hubby can't even hear Guy's name without getting all ragey, but prior to that they occasionally texted each other just to say hi.

Hubby and S2, not so much... S2's the type who's friendly to everyone, but for some reason he brought out Hubby's Alpha-holeness. For my sake, and Alt and Country's sake a couple of times, they were civil to each other, but more than once I had to pull Hubby aside and tell him to stop trying to assert his dominance because he was making a fool out of himself, especially since S2 refused to play along.

As I said, Guy met Hubby and me the same night, so there was no "would you meet my husband" conversation. With S2, I did ask the two of them to meet once it became clear S2 and I were in an actual relationship, mainly because I wanted each of them to have a face to go with the name and because in case of an emergency, I wanted them to have at least met so one could get in touch with the other without it being awkward. I also made it clear to both of them that they didn't *have to* meet, I was asking primarily to make myself more comfortable, and that if they did meet, I didn't expect them to even ever speak again, let alone be friends.

With Boots, I told him that if things became ongoing between us I would prefer he meet Hubby, especially after I met Glow. Which turned out to be a non-issue, but anyway. With Woody, I've already said that while we're "just friends" it isn't an issue, but if it becomes more, I would like him and Hubby to meet. But I've made sure I state the request as "This is what I would *prefer* for my own comfort, but it isn't required." I'm just as opposed to telling other people (other than my kids) what they have to do as I am to being told what I have to do.
 
Husband and boyfriend are similar. Their personalities are rather alike, boyfriend's like a younger version of husband . It has depended a bit how close they were, but always closer than just politeness. They are like brother -in -laws or cousins. It is even strange to say friends, because they are bound together through me.

We like to cook or go out to eat all three of us. Our favourite thing is fresh seafood with raki :)

We are discussing weather or not to live in the same house if boyfriend moves here. If not, we will still live close.

I could not date guys who didn't want to get to know each other.
 
Pals, well, maybe.....

For some reason when I saw this thread I kinda smiled and instantly wanted to post on it. But, I lay in wait. I needed to read what others were sharing first.

We are a poly home, my meta lives with us. As far as personalities, we are polar and exact opposites. I am extremely open about sharing how I'm doing, what's on my mind, feelings, I am kind of an open book, K not so much. I am impatient and impulsive, he is deliberate and meticulous. I like people, like to go out, crave human interaction, K, not so much. He is so reluctant to interact with others, ANY others he avoided calls from everyone, including his aged mother. His daughter called me yesterday and told me his mom had been trying to reach him, (so I had to give him the message) was he OK? Yeah fine, just doesn't like to answer the phone. For like, 3 weeks.

I could go on, but the fact is, I have come to be extremely fond of him. Like it could be said I love him, as maddening as he is to me.

How does he feel???

I have no clue. Really, none. He could feel very close to me, or maybe he doesn't even like me. I doubt the latter is true, probably somewhere in the middle. Neither would surprise me.

We rarely do stuff, him and I, but the 3 of go out maybe once a week. They are free to go out anytime as 2, but only do maybe once every 5-6 weeks

I think we're friends though.
 
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Hubby and boyfriend are pretty awesome. They've been sighted fixing lights and rewiring the house. Boyfriend and I went out with hubby and his gf as kind-of a double date. She's not so bad. Boyfriend started seeing my best friend and yeah it caused a massive issue. Even though I was okay with it, I wasn't ready to know everything. She felt the need to rub it in my face every chance she got and violate the rules we laid out time and time again. Needless to say we aren't besties anymore. But he still sees her. I honestly didn't want it to go down that way and I wasn't choosing boyfriend over her, it's just what happened.

In general I think I'd like knowing my metamours. But there are just things I don't need to know.
 
I have chatted to my metamour a few times on Facebook and once in a bar. He seems friendly and a good genuine guy. I would be open to friendship with him in the future if we had shared interests.

If my partner wanted to be friends with her metamours, I would be happy with that also.
 
I'm friends with my metamour Pixie. We've met for drinks when my BF Surfer was out of town. The two of them have stayed at our house a few times & we've stayed at theirs as well. We double date. This is the first time any of the 4 of us have experienced relationships like ours. Cowboy (hubby) and Surfer did some work on the vacation property that we share today. It's a crazy quad I guess where anyone from the outside would have trouble telling who is with who. Not that Pixie & I haven't had issues but we work to respect boundaries within our relationships as married couples. Cowboy & Surfer are opposites but both genuinely like & respect each other.
 
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