Marriage and Polyamory

1

1of4

New member
For those of you who are in a committed marriage but are also in a poly relationship (or your spouse is), do you think that polyamory is BENEFICIAL to your marriage? Why or why not?

I'm especially interested in knowing in what ways you find it to be beneficial, assuming you think it is.

Or, do the poly relationships have no beneficial impact on your marriage? Or, do you think they are harmful in some way?

Thanks in advance for any thoughts on these questions.
 
In our case, the plus is that loving other people helps us appreciate each other all the more. This probably isn't the case for everyone, however. The negative is that we spend time with other people, and unless that can be scheduled for the same times (or if only one of us has another partner), it takes time away from being together. Sometimes that's fine, and alone time to do individual things is good, but if that happens too often it can be detrimental.
 
In my case (everyone's way of being poly is different than everyone else's) yes poly has been beneficial to both my marriages. I am an independent soul who likes variation in her life. I am switching households every couple of days so I am always busy. Plus each of my husbands little annoying quirks don't annoy me but make me see the other in a new light.

My sex drive gets meet because there is two to carry the load.

Each one has strengths the other does not. Plus the guys get peace and quiet to pursue their hobbies.
 
It's been beneficial to my marriage.

I am extremely extroverted, and both my guys are introverted. They are usually happy to have someone else pick up half the time they would have had to go places. lol They enjoy their uninterrupted hobby time too.

It's also been really great for when there are family crises going on - when I had to drop everything and go to NY when my father died, my husband could travel with me, while my boyfriend stayed at home and kept my kids in their activities and things ticking the way they should.

My sex drive is really high, so having multiple partners eases the strain on my hubby too. :)
 
It has been extremely beneficial to my marriage. I have always been incredibly adventurous in every aspect of my life. I didn't even know much about being poly when I got married, but we have always had an open relationship because it just felt natural to us. In the past few years, I have been able to define my desire to be poly with a little more clarity. I also have a very high sex drive and varied interests so the desire to explore many different types of sexual experiences plays a significant role. It enhances every area of my life and is beneficial to me as a person, which makes it beneficial to my marriage.
 
I have nothing to add... just wanted to say that I'm enjoying this thread. Now that Blue & I are approaching 1-1/2 years, we've discussed marriage... not in a 'near future' way, more in the 'distant future' way, but still, it helps to see how others are handling it.
 
Presently I (and I hope we) find it very beneficial to our marriage. There are a number of reasons, some of which may be specific to us, but here goes.

1. I absolutely adore my partner, Angel, and since she has been polyamorous, she has been happier, and what makes her happy also genuinely makes me happier, which makes her happier ....

2. Angel was always highly sexed but the sex has improved for us. I think Angel is less frustrated and therefore more relaxed and has become more confident, I also think I have, surprisingly, become more confident.

3. They say polyamory is all about communication, so we have tried to communicate better about the new relationships, but have since found that in terms of our marriage, we have become so much better at talking to each other AND listening. We have since we have accepted polyamory as part of our lives talked openly and honestly about our feelings, desires and needs more than we have in 30+ years of close marriage.

4. Despite she is no longer exlusive to me, and that may be the opposite way around at some time, we are soooo much closer now, I think because we understand and appreciate each other a bit more.

The honesty can sometimes hurt. We have been together for 30+ years and we discussed opening up our marriage, mainly for Angel to have additional lovers, (although I was certainly not averse to the idea) for over 2 years until it became a reality. I was therefore surprised, and a little sad, when recently I asked Angel how long she had known she needed the love of additional partners and she said "since I was 17". I felt sad for her having to keep how she felt under wraps for so long and that we had failed to discuss this for so long.
 
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The process of moving to an open marriage has been incredibly beneficial.

My previous experience with relationships was that you start out with all the oxytocin telling you that finally you've found the one person that will truly accept you. So you open up about yourself ... but over time find out where the land mines are and starting shutting down, narrowing your conversation to the safe topics. That is we used to live in a bit of a fantasy land which valued persistence of the relationship over what we actually wanted from honest human to human connection.

In opening up the marriage we had a lot of truly difficult conversations and indeed both reached a point where both of us would have very happily left. That was the point from which we genuinely started having the honest conversations we needed to have. And we have learned now to be brutally honest with each other when we need to be, because neither of us wants the alternative.

I'm not sure this a poly thing as such. The moral perhaps is that you need to be true to yourself, whatever that is.
 
1of4 said:
For those of you who are in a committed marriage but are also in a poly relationship (or your spouse is), do you think that polyamory is BENEFICIAL to your marriage? Why or why not?

I'm especially interested in knowing in what ways you find it to be beneficial, assuming you think it is.

Or, do the poly relationships have no beneficial impact on your marriage? Or, do you think they are harmful in some way?

Thanks in advance for any thoughts on these questions.
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We would never have even approached being poly if it was not beneficial. our motto is "add not subtract". Its good for us for many reasons...of which I cannot really label. Its a process that is never ending, we are always learning about ourselves, and even during tough emotional times we find ways to improve on what we thought were the best practices.

Can poly be harmful, well just like any "normal" marriage, you can stumble and have hiccups and if you are not communicating, you will harm the relationship.
 
I think polyamory is beneficial to my marriage, and Hubby agrees. In our situation, I'm the only one who's polyamorous; Hubby has no interest in even having sex with others, let alone having other relationships. Some reasons we've found poly to be a good thing for us:

Hubby is a "loner." He doesn't enjoy interacting with other people. Going to a party, club, etc. is his idea of hell. Given the choice, he wouldn't leave the house at all, and in the past when we've tried to do activities as a couple or family, he's dug in his heels or has argued about where to go.

I'm very awkward socially, and have social anxiety, but I like being around people. Our local group on the dating site where we met has frequent "meet and greets" at bars or clubs, and I enjoy those because I know most of the people and because there's dancing. I love seeing new places, going for long drives, etc.

Hubby hates having long conversations. He can only stand to listen to someone for a few minutes at a stretch.

I tend to process things verbally, because if I try to think them through, the reality and rationality gets tangled in the morass of my depression and anxiety. Speaking aloud helps me get the "right" things separated from the incorrect perceptions. I also tend to talk a lot about things that excite me or make me really happy, like writing, music, etc.

Hubby is very, very conservative sexually--for himself. (He doesn't care what other people do sexually; he doesn't consider it his business.) He did all his experimentation and exploring as an older teen/young adult, and knows what he likes and doesn't like.

I'm... not so conservative. As a teen and young adult, because of abuse and because of some seriously warped ideas my mother gave me about sex (women shouldn't enjoy sex, but have no choice about it, for example), I didn't explore or experiment. I was too afraid to. In my first marriage, my then-husband actually said to me, "You aren't allowed to enjoy it, because that would make you a slut. But you'd damn well better pretend to enjoy it so I know I'm a man." And unfortunately, in the early years of us living together, Hubby reinforced that I shouldn't initiate sex, shouldn't "want" it, should just take what I could get.

During the time between my first marriage and meeting Hubby, I *was* able to explore and experiment sexually. For the first time, I was able to allow myself to want and enjoy sex, and to accept myself as a sexual being. Unfortunately, within the first year and a half of our relationship, Hubby pretty much undid the gains I'd made. I still didn't completely know what was or wasn't "okay" sexually, so I was basing things on his perceptions, because I hadn't formed my own fully and because I was afraid he would react similarly to my first husband if I tried to stand up for my right to have and enjoy sex.

That was what led to us opening our marriage two years ago. I finally got fed up and said, "Look, I get that you don't want to try the things I want to try, but it's wrong and unfair for you to expect me to define my sexuality and sexual interests by yours. Basically what you're saying is 'Hubby gets to decide KC's sex life, and KC has to deal with it', and that isn't okay with me anymore." Hubby's response, after he thought it over for a couple days, was to say that, while he wasn't comfortable with going "out of the box" (or out of the bedroom) sexually, he wanted me to be happy and comfortable, so he gave me his blessing to find other men to explore with.

So... the shorter version of the ridiculously long answer:
Polyamory benefits my marriage because Hubby's and my communication has improved. In the process of setting boundaries and agreements for the open marriage, we learned to say what we really meant, stand up for ourselves (me particularly; Hubby never really had a problem with that), and truly LISTEN to each other. We were on the verge of divorce at the end of 2012; by summer 2013, our marriage was stronger and happier than it had ever been.

Polyamory benefits my marriage because it gives me the opportunity to explore sexually with someone else. S2's completely open-minded and willing to try just about anything (once I get out of my own damn way and stop being afraid to tell him what I want to try).

Polyamory benefits my marriage because I have someone else who loves and supports me, and is willing to listen to me process things, vent, or share my excitement about things in my life, when Hubby isn't able or willing to listen.

Polyamory benefits my marriage because I have someone else who takes me to the parties, the clubs, and on long meandering road trips that may or may not have a destination. S2 is also going for walks with me, and will be taking me hiking and camping, because he thinks it will be good for my health. I'm not always comfortable doing those things by myself, so having someone else with me definitely helps.

And from Hubby's perspective, which he has stated to me more than once, polyamory benefits our marriage because Hubby's job is fairly dangerous and risky, and with someone else in my life, Hubby knows that if something happened to him, I would still be taken care of and loved.
 
1of4 said:
For those of you who are in a committed marriage but are also in a poly relationship (or your spouse is), do you think that polyamory is BENEFICIAL to your marriage? Why or why not?
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I find this question slightly baffling. Beneficial to my marriage?? Ummm... what?

Marriage is just a legal contract I have made with one of my partners. The legal contract itself requests nothing of us, really. Why and how would something benefit a contract?

I do not see my relationship with my legal husband as more important than my other relationships. We got married out of some very practical reasons, and so far it has been beneficial to us to stay married. So quite the opposite: the marriage benefits us. The marriage itself does not harm my other life partner, and since he wants to stay closeted about our poly arrangement, the marriage is actually beneficial to him, too: he has a married couple as house mates, no one asks more questions.

Of course, I was polyamorous before my first romantic relationship, and only have experience about open relationships. My personal philosophy is very close to relationship anarchy.
 
If one feels that having multiple relationships is appealing, and manages all their relationships well, then I would say the effect is that all the people with whom one is involved would benefit. Basically, I think, if each person approaches any relationship with respect, kindness, honesty, caring, and a willingness to look at whatever issues come up, then all their relationships will work well and bring satisfaction and joy to their partners as well as themselves.
 
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Hi 1of4,

Re (from OP):
"For those of you who are in a committed marriage but are also in a poly relationship, do you think that polyamory is *beneficial* to your marriage? Why or why not?"
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My wife passed away in 2013 with very advanced Alzheimer's. But, since the V I'm in came together in 2006, there's an intersection of about seven years (between poly and my marriage).

It was beneficial in the sense that my poly companions helped take care of my wife. They helped a lot. Snowbunny in particular (the hinge of the V) held everything together when I was falling apart.

It was less than beneficial in the sense that I was guilty of using the poly relationship as an escape, and that I was guilty of letting my NRE get out of hand. I wasn't there for my wife nearly as much as she needed me, and deserved.

The whole story is quite a bit more complicated than that, but in a nutshell that's why I think poly both helped and hindered my relationship with my wife.

Snowbunny has been married since 1995; her husband is the other guy in my V. I like to think my place in their lives is of a net benefit to their marriage. Brother-Husband (my forum name for him) has less pressure this way to be her all, which I think is a relief to him. Also I have learned to be a good listener for her when she has some complaint against him. I've learned to not try to solve the problem, but rather just to listen, and perhaps ask some helpful questions. [shrug] It's not a huge help, but I think it helps a little.

Of course I shouldn't speak for them, but since forums aren't their cup of tea, I figured I'd make my best guess.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I will say polyamory is benificial too my marriage /the relationship without my husband. We are more people who care about each other and help each other. But I will also say my marriage is benificial for my poly relationship, I am very grounded inn myself marriage and it helps my boyfriend and I.
 
I have a natural aversion to monogamy, so polyamory is beneficial to my well-being. I don't think it makes sense to talk about it being beneficial to "the marriage" like the marriage is a thing in and of itself. We're two people and we have a certain kind of relationship.

Our goals have more to do with the health and well-being of the individual members of the various relationships, more than "the relationships" themselves. The relationships will do just fine on their own if everyone pulls their weight individually.
 
Sentinel said:
My previous experience with relationships was that you start out with all the oxytocin telling you that finally you've found the one person that will truly accept you. So you open up about yourself ... but over time find out where the land mines are and starting shutting down, narrowing your conversation to the safe topics. That is we used to live in a bit of a fantasy land which valued persistence of the relationship over what we actually wanted from honest human to human connection.
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This!
 
Depends on Who You Ask

1of4 said:
Or, do the poly relationships have no beneficial impact on your marriage? Or, do you think they are harmful in some way?
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Keep in mind that most everyone responding here has had successful relationships and many are long standing members of a relationship forum. This might be the nature of all of the "gleeeeeeee poly was the best thing my marriage has ever experienced"

If you want to see people who are not having similar results, just scroll down the list of threads and read through some of the problem threads. This forum is lousy with stories about how moving from a monogamous marriage to a poly-marriage was... not great.
 
This seems a peculiar way of phrasing the question: has POLY benefited your marriage? Not once does anyone on this thread mention that 'poly' inherently involves a third PERSON.

In many similar discussions, and in profiles of married poly couples on dating sites, I see a lot about how poly benefits the couple, but rarely, if ever, see the question addressed of how or if poly benefits the people who are the outside relationships. In many cases, such as this, they are not even referred to AS people. They're just a vague, undefined part of the concept of poly that is supposed to be good for the couple.
 
I imagine people are answering from the couple's POV because that was the question posed by the OP. And Marcus is correct: nobody is going to come here and post in this thread about how a third person fraked up their marriage (except maybe our friend Len. ;) ) Anyone who is having/has had grave issues with third and fourth people starts their own thread - and we see plenty of those.

WhatHappened, if you start a thread asking how poly benefits the third person, I'm sure you'll get quite a few thoughtful responses, but this OP is asking about things from the couple's POV and I think that is legit. The question and responses in this thread don't in and of themselves imply that a third person isn't valued or regarded as a full human being.


We got into a great discussion a few months ago in which the conversation turned to what the appeal of a triad might be for a third person. Five pages of some very thoughtful posts. Recommended!
 
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And just as questions about unicorn hunting are often answered with the same comment, I'm answering this one.

I'm pointing out the bigger picture: just like the unicorn hunters, there is a pattern to these questions. And that pattern implies a failure to really see the third person as a full, complete person, in the excitement about 'poly' and what 'it' can do for the marriage and the couple.

I have repeatedly seen the question asked by men in particular: why can't they find a woman who wants to be their secondary. They list all the things that make them personally so great, and talk about how she's going to be so good for their marriage. I have repeatedly asked, "But what do you have to offer her?" I don't recall getting answers. It seems, too often, to be about what 'poly' (ie, that other person) can do for the couple.

I talked one on one with a man on OKCupid who was very excited about opening his marriage and all the great things it would do for him and his wife. He also couldn't answer that question. He kept saying he'd get back to me. Then his profile disappeared.

There are very few single secondaries on here to answer such a question if I posted it. In addition, I've already seen that question answered elsewhere. I am a member of several lists/forums/groups geared toward single secondaries, and I can tell you that the couple's marriage doesn't seem to be doing quite as much for them. There is a lot of loneliness, pain, and feeling ultimately expendable on those forums. There are way too many examples of that third person being cut off the minute they aren't being 'good for the marriage,' the minute a spouse begins to have fear or insecurity, or realize that her life really will change when this nebulous 'polyness' reveals herself to be a real person with actual wants and needs and rights of her own.

Or the silent veto begins, in which one of the spouses just makes it steadily more uncomfortable for the other person to remain, until they break it off themselves.

Just as we point out the flaws in unicorn hunting, regardless the OPs coming here posting with the hope of hearing how fantastic it is, just as we repeatedly point out the problem with couple privilege...I'm saying there's a problem with the constant focus on how 'poly' (ie, another human being) benefits the couple and their marriage.

I think that the lifestyle of poly will be more successful, more harmonious, and therefore more widely acceptable, when it's entered with the attitude of how can this be good for all the people involved? When it starts with an attitude of, there are three, how are we good for each other, not, 'what can it do for me/us?' which right from the start sets the couple up as the yardstick of good. If it's good for them, it's good.

This is exactly the couple privilege we talk of here. And in truth, it seems to me to be only a step or two behind unicorn hunting, except the couple doesn't expect to 'share' their new toy, er, woman. The focus is still squarely on the couple and their benefit. And yes, I do think that's a problem.
 
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