Long term BF not really OK with me being poly curious

Hello all :)

i'd like to revive my thread from August as it's essentially the same story with BF and me being just a little bit wiser (not all that much though).

In August BF and I came to an understanding that there would be no dating just now but we would keep in touch on the subject. We had an amazing vacation and lots of fun.
The next time I brought up the subject was almost 2 months later and sadly not relaxed at all but rather a big bang. He claimed he was giving me free rein to pursue sex with others. I was somewhat dismissive of that at first since I felt he just said that to stop me from talking about it but he confirmed later that this, truly, was his decision. He also said he was feeling pressured about it and obviously not talking about it for almost two months hadn't helped.

Since then (that was at the end of September) there's no news. When I asked him about his thoughts on the topic and if he wanted to come to my coach with me to talk about it, what he said was more or less this:
"I don't like talking about this anymore. I feel that, at this point, we've talked about it all more than once. I have my fears about this and talking about it makes me feel bad, but I see that this is who you are right now and I want to be with you. I understand that you want to have sex with others, I'd like you to be happy and I accept that it's going to happen or maybe has already happened. What doesn't make any difference if you tell me about it or not."
He still has zero interest in pursuing polyamory himself.
Generally he seems to be at ease, relaxed and happy in our relationship (he's not the acting type). He says he feels like we have a good perspective. On the other hand he says "well, maybe something (i. e. me having "extramarital" sex) has happened already, that doesn't matter". I'm really struggling wrapping my head around this.

I've tried asking him what exactly it is that makes him feel bad, hoping some of it could be resolved, but he didn't want to talk about that either. My feeling is that what hurts him is mainly the feeling of insecurity about our future. He said on one occasion he's afraid I might just decide I want to be absolutely free and "leave the relationship behind as collateral damage". That might be something only time and experience might be able to resolve?

I'm not sure how I feel about this. Sometimes it feels like "OK, I can't expect any enthusiasm from him as he still wants to be monogamous and would prefer for me to be too - but he still wants to embark on this with me although it's not his ideal. I have trust and faith in us and everything we share and what we have together. This is a process and we will make it work in time".
On other occasions I feel terrified. I don't even know how, or even if, to tell him if I went to a date. When I asked him what he preferred he said it would be up to me to tell him or not tell him. Sometimes I feel massively insecure and I feel like I need his support or approvial which I know I won't get at this point. I feel the need to talk to him some more but as he has clearly told me the topic makes him feel bad...

As for my crush I've seen him two times since then, both times on casual occasions with friends. I still feel hugely attracted to him. Sometimes I'd just like to lobotomize myself. :(

Would appreciate any input.
 
Last edited:
unfortunately if he's not willing to try polyamory you're going to have to make the tough choice to either be monogamous with him and never have other partners or leave and start a new life. I do have to say even though my husband and I entered into our relationship as an open marriage and he's very polysexual and we've had multiple sex partners the entire time we've been married, when I actually got a real boyfriend he has a very hard time with it and I honestly thought my marriage could end. I never thought would happen because we had such a strong relationship before. So even in an ideal situation it can be tough opening up.

my ex husband would never been okay with me having a male partner, he was okay with a closed triad with a bisexexual woman and that was it. I felt strongly against that so ultimately I ended up leaving him because I just could not live that life anymore. I have no interest in being monogamous.
 
Ticia said:
Yeah well, it's not like he's not willing. Thanks. :)
Click to expand...

yay that's great news! Going on dates to be a lot of fun and having that new relationship energy can be so amazing. I'm so happy for you that he's okay with you dating other people! I had only read the original post where he wasn't okay with you seeing other people and how you had decided you weren't going to see other people because you knew it would make him unhappy and it made me feel incredibly sad for you.

I'm glad that you don't have to go through all that because it really is a tough choice to have to make to deny yourself what you want to make someone else happy
 
Let me repeat back what I understand at this point in time. Maybe it helps you to see your thoughts organized as a bullet list:


BOYFRIEND
  • BF is giving you free rein to pursue casual sex with others.
  • He has no interest in dating himself.
  • BF says he's done talking about it. He has fears/concerns, but talking so much makes him feel bad.
  • He wants to be with you.
  • He understands you want to explore things with other people.
  • He accepts it is going to happen sooner or later.
  • He says it is up to you what you share about your dating with him.


YOU
You are having internal conflict at this point. Two main clumps of feelings:

  • You are (?) he's not more enthusiastic about it.
  • You are (?) he is ok embarking on this even though he'd prefer to be Closed.
  • You have trust and faith in the couple and and everything you share together. You hope it will work out fine if you do polydate.


  • You are terrified about starting to date to find sex partners.
  • You feel insecure. To feel better...
    • You want his support (which you have -- just matter-of-fact rather than enthusiastic and you want enthusiastic?)
    • You want approval (which you have -- just matter-of-fact rather than enthusiastic and you want enthusiastic?)
  • You want to talk to him some more (for meeting what need?) but he has clearly told you the topic makes him feel bad (and you want to respect his boundaries?)

Is that where this is?

Did you want clarification from him about sex health info? What he wants to know about your safer sex practices with others? Anything here that helps you?

Did you want clarification from him what kind of support you can expect from him? Or is it zero? Like you are free to date other people, but if you and your other partner have issues, go talk to your friends about it for support, not him?

MY OPINION

I think you could spend some time on your own sorting out what other questions you have. Then ask him once you have actually formed them. To me it sounds like you want him to help you with your ruminations as you gather your thoughts and form the additional clarifying questions.

And he's not up for that. To me he sounds more like "Cliff Notes, please. Tell me when there's something to actually tell, Please stop overloading me."

Like you want his company on the daily ride in your head, and he's ok just hearing a weekly or monthly update. So... how about other companions for the daily ride?

You have a need to talk... so talk. Just not with him at this point in time. Cliff Notes.

I have that agreement with my spouse. It exhausts him sometimes -- so he rather I go air out with friends and come home with the Cliff Notes. Maybe before you date, you want to build your support network of friends to work out your inner stuff with? Since that area of your life your BF is not equipped to deal with? He basically accepts it, but he's not equipped for (basic acceptance + extra stuff) at this time?

I've tried asking him what exactly it is that makes him feel bad, hoping some of it could be resolved, but he didn't want to talk about that either. My feeling is that what hurts him is mainly the feeling of insecurity about our future. He said on one occasion he's afraid I might just decide I want to be absolutely free and "leave the relationship behind as collateral damage". That might be something only time and experience might be able to resolve?
Click to expand...

Yup. You can state your intention to stay together with him. But only time will tell if that is so. One cannot know the future.

If I were to guess extra reasons? For his side of it when he prefers Closed? He's taking a pretty big risk. To sit in on your inner thoughts on the daily ride and learn that you aren't all that secure with it? I could see where it could make him feel uncertain/bad. He's banking on you and your skills so this venture isn't wonky, and to be hearing you are not solid but wobbly? That's scary. He cannot do anything about your confidence. So he'd rather not hear about your wobbly so he's at least less stressed during the transition... if you decide to go there.

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
@inyourendo: Thanks. :) It really didn't feel good to me either - though I have never even tried nonmonogamy yet. There's still the possibility I don't like being with someone else and this is all just in my head. I'm going to find out soon.

I'm also a huge overthinker sometimes and have trouble accepting that I deserve good things to happen! My inner pessimist keeps telling me that this can't be true, there must be an enormous catch and he's very convincing. :) I'm at this with my counselor so the two of us can get along better. :D

@GalaGirl: Thank you, thank you for that enormously helpful post! I'm going to reply in your quote.

GalaGirl said:

BOYFRIEND
  • BF is giving you free rein to pursue casual sex with others.
  • He has no interest in dating himself.
  • BF says he's done talking about it. He has fears/concerns, but talking so much makes him feel bad.
  • He wants to be with you.
  • He understands you want to explore things with other people.
  • He accepts it is going to happen sooner or later.
  • He says it is up to you what you share about your dating with him.

Nailed it!

YOU
You are having internal conflict at this point. Two main clumps of feelings:

  • You are accepting he's not more enthusiastic about it. still insecure though if I am truly "allowed" to do this or if this makes me a selfish, evil person.
  • You are happy, grateful he is ok embarking on this even though he'd prefer to be Closed.
  • You have trust and faith in the couple and and everything you share together. You hope it will work out fine if you do polydate.


  • You are terrified about starting to date to find sex partners. Yes - not so much because of the dates but about how I should broach the matter to him. Sometimes DADT seems like the most comfortable way, but I don't want to lie and create more distance between us. If I want to show him that me dating is not the end of our world he'd at least have to know that there was a date... right?
  • You feel insecure. To feel better...
    • You want his support (which you have -- just matter-of-fact rather than enthusiastic and you want enthusiastic?)
    • You want approval (which you have -- just matter-of-fact rather than enthusiastic and you want enthusiastic?)
      Thanks for summarizing this! It's made me realize I'm having a hard time believing that he truly, really accepts it (though he hasn't lied to me before). Another inner pessimist issue?
      Of course I'd love him to be enthusiastic about it but I'm also aware this is highly unrealistic. I wouldn't be enthusiastic about it either.
  • You want to talk to him some more (for meeting what need?) but he has clearly told you the topic makes him feel bad (and you want to respect his boundaries?)
Yes, I definitely want to respect his boundaries here.

Is that where this is?

Did you want clarification from him about sex health info? What he wants to know about your safer sex practices with others? Anything here that helps you?
Thanks! I have actually bought "Opening up", I'm about halfway through yet. Sex health is not an issue so far, he has asked me to be safe which I'm of course just as interested.

Did you want clarification from him what kind of support you can expect from him? Or is it zero? Like you are free to date other people, but if you and your other partner have issues, go talk to your friends about it for support, not him?
I think it is this! Though he has clarified some of that, at least for the moment. He is, as you've summarized correctly, done talking about the theory of the topic for now and has a hard time anticipating what his feelings will be.

To me he sounds more like "Cliff Notes, please. Tell me when there's something to actually tell, Please stop overloading me."

Yes, I think you're on point with that. I've read so much about "you know, you gotta TALK!" it's good to hear other couples don't talk through every little step of the way too!

Maybe before you date, you want to build your support network of friends to work out your inner stuff with? Since that area of your life your BF is not equipped to deal with? He basically accepts it, but he's not equipped for (basic acceptance + extra stuff) at this time?

Yes, that's a great idea. I'm lucky to have a number of more or less close girl friends who are poly/nonmonogamous themselves. They've helped me tremendously in the past. My BF actually told me once to discuss the topic with my friends.

He's taking a pretty big risk. To sit in on your inner thoughts on the daily ride and learn that you aren't all that secure with it? I could see where it could make him feel uncertain/bad. He's banking on you and your skills so this venture isn't wonky, and to be hearing you are not solid but wobbly? That's scary.

Spot on! He actually told me something like this before when he compared the situation to some BDSM edge play we used to do pretty early in our relationship (meta-consens stuff). He said back then when he was doing things I wasn't explicitly OK with it was just his call to take responsibility for it and this is what I have to do now. Thinking back I've always trusted him and his judgement deeply and it never went wrong but if we'd had a discussion about specifics beforehand (like "oh, I'd like to do this to you but I'm not sure, maybe you hate it? Maybe you hate it so much you don't want to be with me anymore?") it would've made me feel a LOT less secure.
Galagirl
Click to expand...

Now I only have to work out the practical stuff like "how much to share" - I already know I probably won't share any details about my dating unless he asks but I'm going to tell him when a date is planned. Like "I'm going to go out with crush next week" and then see if he wants to discuss? (He told me I'm also free not sharing it and sometimes this idea feels liberating but still very uncomfortable in the long run. I don't want this huge bubble of lies, fantasies and speculation around.)
If, as I anticipate, his reaction is along the lines of "OK, noted" I'm going to bring my insecurities, bad conscience etc. to my friends (or here). I've already thought about what he "needs" to feel loved and appreciated and how I can do my part in it.
Maybe I'm just going to let him approach the topic at his own pace, making sure he knows he can ask me anything?
 
Last edited:
Sounds like a good plan to me.
 
Threesomes?

Were these mff? I think the place to open the discussion might be with his cyber relationships. Ask why he felt the need to have them and the need to hide them.

Skip the whole cheating stuff. I find that unproductive. Same with the if you can I should.

We have been raised in a culture of Not enough and we are supposed to find Everything in ONE person. None of do, but some manage to just grin and bear it or grit their teeth and bear it.

I am wondering if these were mff, that maybe trying mmf.

I had an experience in HS with a gf who I "made" sleep with other guys, but it was always with me. Some guy who thought she was cute wanted to sleep with her, but didn't want to be around me. Now, you girls can fake an orgasm, but very hard to "fake and erection"

So they went out, she was suppose to come over later and never showed up. I am all up in my head. It was the Perfect date and he was the perfect fuck and waves crashing, violins swelling and I was a basket case. We could meet for a couple of days and ai was sure we were over (pre-cellphones and text blah blah.

When we met I was like, so are we breaking up? And she was like, You want to break up with me!?! I said, well you didn't come over that night like we agreed, so I figured you spent the whole night and are like totally into him.

She told me the date sucked, he was not so funny, he was rude to the waitress, he had bad breath, didn't take time to warm her up, came in about two minutes and she felt like shit and didn't want to bring that to me. I would have been over the fucking MOON to have that brought to me.

Few days after that we were in bed with some other guy she liked. She had a great time with this guy, she came, she loved into his eyes and you could see she cared, but she also turned to me and told me she totally loved me.

So, he is dealing with uncertainty. I mean I am a douchebag. I manage to push women until they leave, it is my modus Operendi which fit into a whole I am unloveable. So I can see anyone wanting to leave me.

I suspect her thinks you are incredible,you are going to go on a date, realize you could do better and leave him.

Now, you don't get the date by yourself, you do get more sex and if the guys get along, you can try double penetration, which every woman I have turned on to loves. Two guys with one girl tends to ramp up the testosterone in both males, so both are hornier.

It might let him ease into this. For all you know you end up in a triad. Guys get to do guy things and you get more sex. In my case I tend to have D/s relationships with more than one fem, but always lots of men, because I like to watch them cum, I like the feel of Dp. And I have one dick and multiple women being satisfied? Right. Nice fantasy, but the reality is me four women and a dozen men, maybe we boys stand a chance.

Just an idea. It would be something you shared with him and after a while the idea of you going on a date might not scare him so much.
 
nycindie: Good point, I guess...

Dickdomin: I really like your idea. As for the cybersex stuff, when we talked about it way back he told me he did it because it put his mind off things (he did have a lot to handle at that time) and he lied/white lied about it because he felt it was totally meaningless. I think it was Magdlyn who talked about many men seeing cybersex as kind of interactive porn? Maybe that's what it was for him. We don't talk about that a lot anymore.

I liked your idea about MMF threesomes. As a matter of fact I'd like to experience that. Sadly it's not an option for my BF either. He's very critical about people he wants to get close to (in fact there aren't a lot of people he likes to have around at all) and he can't even imagine to be in bed with another man. As we are into BDSM (he's dom) for a while we toyed with the idea of "renting" me to another dom or inviting him to play as he wouldn't have to get close to the other man on a bodily level... but a few weeks later he told me he wouldn't have fun with that either.
I hope he will ease into it eventually and experience that his concerns are not coming to pass..
 
Ticia said:
Dickdomin: I really like your idea.

I liked your idea about MMF threesomes. As a matter of fact I'd like to experience that. Sadly it's not an option for my BF either.
Click to expand...

Subs are allowed to sort of lay down rules. So adjust the cooking of this cake to fit your situation.

Dear, I have decided to experience Double Penetration. I would love for you to be there. Here are your choices.

1/ You pick guy, you are there.
2/ you pick two guys and you watch
3/ two other guys you don't watch

Which one do you pick. Not want, not comfortable, just Pick.

He is getting to choose which type of double penetration.

If he goes. I don't like this. Tell him, he is not required to like it.
If he says, this will finish us.
Say OK if you want to leave OK
 
Ticia said:
Dickdomin: I really like your idea.

I liked your idea about MMF threesomes. As a matter of fact I'd like to experience that. Sadly it's not an option for my BF either. He's very critical about people he wants to get close to
Click to expand...

I'm sure I have told this story, but let me give you the reader's digest slightly expanded version of my life.

When I was 4 I ran away from home. I was going to join the Mob in Chicago, because I was sure their mothers did not tell them what to do.

My mother helped me pack my bag.

I got to the side yard of our house and realized I did not know where Chicago was, nor how to get there nor any people in the mob. So I stopped. I was expecting my nanny, one of my sisters or my mother to come out. I am sure my mother told them not to, thinking this was just a sort of joke.

I spend four hours in the side yard walking back and forth. Waiting, hoping and running things over in my mind. Here is what I decided.

I was not loved.

Clearly, my mother packing my bags was clear she rally wanted to get rid of me. My nanny, sisters not coming out meant they felt the same way.. I spun this out into .If I am unloved by my own mother, sisters and nanny, I am unlovable.

I went in when it got dark and cried myself to sleep. Unloved-unlovable.

About a month later, I entered kindergarten, I was going to school in the same building where the big kids went.

I woke up, The day BEFORE my birthday, thinking it was my birthday. I went downstairs to get my special birthday breakfast. Nothing, hurt and a little disappointed, I thought maybe saving up for later. I go to school. The teacher had already had three birthdays. I'll get an extra cupcake and two milks.

NOTHING. I mean wow my teacher never forgets a kid's birthday except Mine.

Come home no party, not happy birthday. That night going to bed my mother sees me on the verge of tears, "what' strong?" "Everyone our got my birthday!" Heart wrenching sobs. she hugs me, "Your birthday is to more.

Next day I have no memory of breakfast, school, birthday party. I do remember getting a red bike and taught how to ride it in about five minutes. Today I can vividly remember the pain of the day before.

Unloved unlovable.

Two years later I meet a girl, older who has me whip her. Jolt of energy runs up and down arm. After she kneels down kisses my feet, sucks my cock and looks at me with eyes of pure adoration.

Loved

He has something like this, maybe not this intense, but maybe for him even more intense. His "bodily" not near another guy has overtones of homophobia.

I would stick to the choices are:
You and another guy do DP
You watch two guys do DP
Two guys do DP and you do not watch

Which do you choose.
 
Hello everyone :)

Here's an update on my situation. As you know, BF told me in November he's accepting my poly curiosity and he's giving me free rein to date others. I asked him if he wanted to come to my coach (which he knows and likes) with me and talk about the topic but he told me he had come to terms with it and he didn't want to stir it up again. So we didn't talk about it at all since then and I am now going to have the first actual date next weekend.

I told my BF about it yesterday because everything else felt like cheating and he didn't say much but he really seems down in the dumps and is behaving coolly and distantly towards me.
I've told him I'd be there if he wanted to talk but he didn't want to.

My date is a friend of a friend whom I've loosely known and am interested in for about a year now. He and my BF haven't met in person but they know about each other. Rationally speaking - as far as this is possible - the other guy is no threat as he is quite a bit older, less physically attractive and in no way "better" than my boyfriend. He's poly but only has very loose relationships (affaires?) so there's probably no danger he's going to be possessive or intrusive or whatever.
I feel a certain chemistry with him which is why I've chosen to date him but I can't imagine wanting a classic relationship with him, much less exchanging my BF for him.

I know I'm the one who is supposed to make this work, I'm just not sure how. I've already cancelled a date half a year ago because he was behaving pretty much like he is now and I don't know if I'm ready to pull back again after all the talking we've done and all the thinking I've done on my own. I'm also trying not to be angry: He gives me the go-ahead and then this?

Is this about grieving - him eventually letting go of the time when we were monogamous which he'd much rather still be? Or was he giving me the go-ahead for whatever reason imaginable but it wasn't reflecting his true mindset? It usually isn't like him not to think things through but who knows.

Any ideas what I could do to assure him? Especially with his brick wall no-talking attitude?

No denying that his behaviour also makes me feel very unsafe but I'm trying to give him the time and space he apparently needs now. I talk to friends, journal (and write here) for myself.

What do you think?
 
I think could believe your bf.

That you have freedom to date. So go on your date.
That he does not want to talk right now. So leave him be.

You have let him know you are there if he should change his mind and want to talk later.It is possible that he is grieving changes.... But he does not want to share that stuff right now. I think have done what you can for now. So live life as normal while respecting his wishes.

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
There is nothing you can do to "make" him feel better if he insists on indulging in negativity. All you can do is strive to live a genuine life, being true to yourself. If he doesn't want to talk, he doesn't want to talk.

Ultimately, you don't need his (nor anyone else's) permission to date whomever you want to date. He isn't your boss or father, and doesn't own you. It's not his responsibilty to say "okay, you may date other people." His responsibility is only to determine whether or not he can accept, live with, and support you and the choices you make. That goes both ways - does he need your permission to live his life as he sees fit?

You've talked things through and, whether or not he fibbed when he said he was okay with your dating, and whether or not this other man you want to date is only looking for something casual or potentially more than that, you've made a choice for yourself. So, who are you going to live your life for? You (and your happiness) - or someone who pouts and has a tantrum when he realizes he has no control over you?
 
Last edited:
Dear Dickdomin,

I'm sorry I didn't reply to your latest post as I wrongly assumed I had already seen it. Might well be he's "wired" along the lines of what you've described. He can't/won't let me hear what's on his mind right now so it's hard to say. I do love him and I'm pretty sure he feels the same but what use is that to both of us if we don't both feel loved?

The double penetration thing isn't really a major point for me right now. It's more like the 10th step before the first.

I don't think he's being homophobic... I'm not sure if I would enjoy, say, being in bed with BF + another woman if I wasn't at least remotely interested in women or at least liked this particular one as a friend. I wouldn't enjoy being in bed with my BF and a skeleton which doesn't make me "phobic" of skeletons.

Dear GalaGirl and nycindie,

Thanks for your input. I guess it's as "simple" as that right now. "pouting and tantrums" doesn't reflect my feelings about his behaviour though. I do feel his pain and I don't think it's coming from his need to control me.

Yes, I need to be true to myself. For some months I have tried to get to grips with the perspective of remaining monogamous. When I realized I felt like a caged animal almost constantly we had a long and tearful talk about separating during which he essentially told me it wouldn't be fair to not at least give it a chance and see how it worked out. He essentially told me I had to take responsibility for my actions and validate myself. I have tried DADT. I seem to be out of options.

Some more rambling to clarify things for me...

At the moment it seems like there are three possible outcomes:
A) He is stressed out right now and will be for a while but he's working it out by himself and will eventually be successful. Time will tell that I still love him and don't wander off to someone else and he will relax some more.
B) He is stressed out right now. He will continue to withdraw from me and it will eventually overshadow everything we love about our relationship. At one point one or both of us will make the decision to either give up poly entirely and for the indefinite future or separate.
C) He is stressed out right now to the point where he can no longer bear to be with me once I did indeed have sex with another so he will end the relationship by the end of the week.

Yes, I do need to live for my own happiness. I might get hit by a truck or diagnosed with cancer next year or for any other reason might no longer be able to do the things I long to do. BF might choose to cheat on me or separate for any other reason.
On the other hand noone knows what will make me happy in the long run. Poly dating might be nice but BF and I have been sharing our lives for over 10 years. I was 21 when we started out. He "is" my home, has been even more so before 2013 when I started becoming more independent, doing my own thing, going out with friends if he didn't feel like it... "normal" things I just hadn't done before. I do have good friends, it's just that it feels like he's the only one who makes me feel less lonely and cold in this world.

I've read "Passionate Marriage" a while ago and I definitely feel "fused" with my BF. Hurting him feels like hurting myself (except when we have a fight, when I'm angry I find it easier to stand up for myself). Sometimes having him withdraw from me has me feel like motherless little Bambi. I'm pretty sure this is not "healthy".

This choice - what will make me happy? - it seems I have to make has had me paralyzed for months now.

I know they say "You only regret the things you didn't do"...

Anyone here who has started out from a point similar to mine? What are your experiences? Still appreciating any input you may have. :)
Thanks for reading
 
OK, that's some good insight.

It sounds like you feel that from the beginning, you were very tight with bf. Now in recent years, you felt you were too tight, too codependent. If you didn't feel the correct amount of bonding, you even felt like a motherless Bambi.

So, you tried going out more, with friends, etc. Now you want to try dating and fucking other men.

You've been with this man from a very young age. 21 is still adolescent. Now you're a grown ass woman and want to experience sex and perhaps love type feelings with other men.

Yet, you're still waffling, trying to reassure yourself and your bf that you're doing the right thing.

I'd say it's time to shit or get off the pot. It's funny how you're downplaying the man you chose to date.... oh he's OLD! He's not even very attractive! Kinda makes me wonder if you chose a man that isn't all that great just so your bf would be less jealous.

Go on your date. Have fun talking, kissing, doing whatever sexual stuff you and he feel like.

The reassurance for your bf will come in how you handle your "new relationship energy." If you don't gush about new bf, if you don't stop having sex with bf, if you're present for him still in all the old ways, or even more attentive, that should help. Go on with the DADT model he wants and see what happens! Let him sit with his emotions. You can't feel them for him, no matter how empathetic you are. They are his to feel and act upon.
 
Thanks for your replies!

After 2 days of what I call "ice age" and also some acting out on his part BF finally decided to talk to me. Writing it down to wrap my head around it.

What he said:
  • Knowing I'm going to go on a date doesn't make him feel all that great but he still says he might be OK with it in time, he can't foresee what he will feel about it. His main problem seems to be elsewhere, namely that
  • He somehow feels pressured into the whole thing. He also feels that over the past 3 months I repeatedly threatened to leave him. I have ZERO memory of this, which might be because
  • Whenever I say "I think XY is essential (for a relationship)" he hears "I'm going to abandon you if you don't do XY"
  • He also feels pressured when I asked him about his feelings. His idea is that I don't like him being cool and distant and that I want to somehow coerce him not to be this way so I can feel better.
  • When I asked him what I did wrong about introducing my ideas about poly he said "Just about everything. But that can't be changed right now."
  • Generally he feels like I'm at the verge of ending the relationship. Which is funny since I feel the same about him: that he might leave me about this.

I am...
  • a little relieved that he's finally decided to share his feelings with me
  • very confused, exhausted and a little angry: After months of talking the topic through, encouraging him to tell me "no" if that's what he was feeling and finally him ending talks by giving me the go-ahead - I somehow ended up being the one who forced him?
  • still willing to be with him but somewhat numbed by all of this. Yes, I am thinking about separation. The last couple of days were a beautiful mix of withdrawal and drama. Sometimes I would tell him that I love him. He would just ignore it. How not to think about separating? It actually helps to know that if push comes to shove I won't have to go on like this forever...

Obviously at this point he's not ready to reflect on his feelings. I also don't see him taking any responsibility for them. Maybe I am expecting too much, I don't know. There seems to be no sense in saying another word as what he perceives and apparently has perceived for months is something entirely different.

I also don't know what to do right now except that I am not going to cancel the date though I feel pressured in the extreme. Still the perspective of a few hours with someone who treats me with affection and joy instead of resentment and sadness is one of the few things that keep me going right now.

Not sure how to behave towards BF. I want to show him that I'm here, that I love him, that I'm not leaving him but it's tough as I'm quite hurt myself right now.
 
Last edited:
Sounds like your boyfriend agreed to the poly because he was afraid you'd leave him if he didn't agree? If so, then he made a choice. He preferred to tolerate the poly rather than have you leave.

So, I say let his decision stand. He can change his mind later if he wants. In the meantime, he may find he starts to get used to this poly stuff after awhile.

So I guess I would go ahead and keep going on dates with other people. Also I can't remember, are you going on dates with your boyfriend as well? You should be doing that -- formal dates where you both dress up and you don't have to fight about anything; you can just talk about fun stuff.

It's probably for the best that at least he's communicating a little more.
 
I also don't see him taking any responsibility for them. Maybe I am expecting too much, I don't know.
Click to expand...

It is reasonable to expect an adult person to take responsibility for their feelings and how they choose to respond to their feelings.

If he chose to say "yes" not in good faith but as the short term answer for "this conversation wigs me out... get me out of this conversation fast!" -- then it was his own doing. The pressure he feels is self generated largely because it is inner conflict.

"I have to deal with this."

vs

"I do not WANT to deal with this."

You cannot do that work for him. He has to solve his inner conflict.

And you cannot make him take more ownership of his emotional management. It is his job, he can do it or not do it.

You could step back to address YOUR problem.

TL;DR: I've told my boyfriend I'd like to try nonmonogamy. He wouldn't want to stand in my way but doesn't seem happy at all. I've told him I wouldn't do it then but now feel increasingly unhappy with that decision.
Click to expand...

SOLUTION 1:

Go on to polydate with him in tow, despite now seeing that he agreed to it in bad faith.

Let him experience that pressure so he is motivated to do something about it. Hopefully he chooses constructive things like actually learn to TALK assertively and have the conversations in good faith rather than balk. He learns to state he is not up for it more assertively so you have your answer.

Rather than destructive things like go passive-aggressive on you because he perceives you are "doing it to him" rather than it being "the current situation at hand."

SOLUTION 2:

Go on to polydate without bringing him with you, now that you see that was an agreement not made in good faith. You just don't accept bad faith agreements.

You become willing to see him how he is right now -- He sounds not willing to poly, and not able to poly. He seems to lack in communication skills and emotional management skills.

So rather than be unkind and turn the blind eye and let him keep on this poor path he is choosing... you could cut him loose.

Better if he owned his emotional management and took personal responsibility for his own well being and cut himself loose. Rather than him choosing to half-heartedly agree to things he really does not want.

But in the end I think the most compassionate answer regardless of WHO does it seems to be... cut him loose. So you could do it and free you both.

You could be free to poly, free from anger, frustrations, etc. He could be free from this distress.

Healthier sounding for both in the long run.

I would go with #2. Just my opinion.

GL!

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top