Helping my metamour be less jealous?

[entelechia]

Hi all,

I'd love some advice and perspective. I've been dating my partner Erin for four years, all long-distance. I just moved to her town last week and while we're getting a sense of what this new phase of our love will look like, we're also trying to deal with a difficult poly situation.

For about as long as Erin and I have been together, Erin has also been dating Becca, who lives in her town. Although we're doing non-hierarchical polyamory, where there is no primary partner and no one can set rules for another relationship, Becca and Erin have had a primary-like relationship for a few years now, with Erin usually traveling to see me or other lovers. Erin and I are thrilled that we are finally building a life closer together, but Becca is significantly less thrilled.

In my ideal world, Becca and I would become friends and the three of us would live happily ever after, but I know that's unlikely. Becca is not poly, has never done polyamory before, and really just puts up with it because she loves Erin. Erin is in love with both of us and doesn't want to put one relationship first, but because of Becca's jealousy--and my ease with polyamory--has been working extra hard to reassure and support Becca. I want to support their relationship and give them a lot of space; I feel for Becca, and for Erin, and I'm not interested in causing stress or drama. At the same time, I'm not trying to play the role of secondary partner forever to soothe the jealousy of someone who might never stop being jealous. I fear that my moving to town might expose some of the cracks in their relationship and that Erin might be put in the awful position of choosing between us.

I'm hoping things aren't that hopeless.

If there is a chance both of these romantic relationships can survive and flourish, what could I do to help that happen? How do I help Becca be less jealous of me, and less threatened by polyamory?

 

[KC43]

Honestly, my advice would be that *you* not do anything about the relationship or conflict between Erin and Becca. That's *their* thing to deal with. If Becca is already feeling upset about your involvement with Erin, having you step in and try to "make things better" or become her friend might make her feel angrier and more pressured.

I'd suggest you express your concerns to *Erin*, but don't try talking to Becca if she doesn't seem open to it. Let Erin handle her own stuff. If Erin suggests something you might say or do to ease the situation, then fine, but otherwise, I would advise you to stay out of their relationship and just focus on yours.

What you're describing sounds to me like a V relationship, with Erin as the hinge and you and Becca as metamours to each other. Metamours don't have to get along; they don't even have to know each other. Each of you has a relationship with Erin, and it's her responsibility to make sure each of those relationships runs smoothly. There's no need for there to be a relationship or any kind between you and Becca, not even friendship, and based on what you've said, it might be best if you don't attempt one.

 

[nycindie]

I totally agree with KC43. Becca's relationship with Erin -- and her insecurities -- are her own to handle. Don't meddle in her personal, internal process. You manage your own relationship with Erin and, especially, do not pretend to Becca that your relationship with her is other than what it is. I mean, it seems like a nice gesture to pull back and defer to Becca, but you wouldn't be doing her any favors, really, because facing reality is probably what she needs most. It isn't your fault that your metamour has been in denial about her gf's poly nature. I would, however, wonder why Erin hasn't made an effort to lay the hard truths out to Becca and not feed her fantasy of monogamy. Anyway, if I were you, I would tell Erin to stop informing you of the difficulties Becca is having. Not your responsibility!

 

[Candiedlove]

This sounds like the sort of relationship where Becca will eventually be filtered out of the relationship, not because she's forced to, but because she and Erin just don't seem to be happy together.

Please don't feel you have to involve yourself in that mess, it really is nothing to do with you and it'll cause you grief to try to help them out with their relationship.

 

[reflections]

This sounds like the sort of relationship where Becca will eventually be filtered out of the relationship, not because she's forced to, but because she and Erin just don't seem to be happy together.

I disagree. It's been a week since you've moved! Of course this is a big change for Becca who has had a primary-like relationship with Erin. Speaking from my own experience, LDRs are quite different in terms of time sharing in poly relationships. I struggled quite a bit when my husband started dating his first girlfriend, heavily due to the changes in our schedule. I was already in a LDR with my guy for years, but my relationship with my husband looked mostly mono in terms of time.

I do strongly agree with everyone's comments that it's not a good idea for you to step in. Becca and Erin need to work this out on their own, and you stepping in may cause Becca to have more worries and jealousy. She may or may not be willing to work on her jealousy issues, but that's on her. But I don't think it's inevitable that they'll end simply because it's hard right now for Becca. Give it some time. You can be flexible and understanding towards Becca, but don't forget about your own needs.

 

[Candiedlove]

OP stated that Becca has appeared to only put up with poly for Erin ' s sake and is not poly herself. I've seen poly relationships break up over less than a second partner moving closer (and clearly not going away anytime soon).

 

[reflections]

Sure, but if Becca does love Erin and wants to be with her, she may be willing to work through the jealousy. They may stay together, or they may break up...but I don't think all hope is lost. It's been a week, and I guess I don't see in the OP's post where Becca and Erin aren't happy, outside of this being hard for Becca.

 

[entelechia]

Hi everyone--

Thanks so much for the feedback. I agree with KC43 and the others who advised me to stay out of Becca's process. It's always good to remember that when I start to fixate on my lover's lovers, it means I need to draw back and take better care of myself. When I wrote the original post I was feeling a lot of anxiety and I didn't want to burden Erin with it. Today she and I had a long talk, and I told her about these fears--which was a good idea. I'm still not sure how it will all unfold, but I'm at least positive that we'll be able to hear each others' needs and concerns with love and constructive problem-solving. My original anxieties--about Erin being forced to choose, about me being cast as a secondary--have been resolved.

As for speculation about whether Becca and Erin will break up, they are actually quite compatible and seem really good for one another, despite the poly/mono difference. I think it will take some time for Becca to adjust to my being around, but it sounds like she's willing to make that adjustment. Most important, Erin has reassured me of her investment in our relationship, and that nothing about it is secondary. In summary--there is hope this could all work out. I'll keep y'all updated in a few months.

 

[reflections]

Glad to hear you're feeling better! Keep us posted!

 

[entelechia]

Update

Hi again, all!

Thanks for your good advice a few months ago, and here's an update as promised.

Not long after I last posted, things took an unexpected turn when Becca was diagnosed with cancer and needed immediate surgery. She is now in chemo, with Erin as one of her primary caregivers. All polyamory processing is on hold indefinitely during this process, per Becca's request.

Ever since the diagnosis, I've been doing everything I can to support Erin, which has too often meant stuffing down my own fears and needs. I've struggled against feeling left out as she spends so much time caring for Becca (I'm glad she's showing up for Becca, but also acutely aware of how Erin has failed to show up for me during similar health crises in the past), and I keep telling myself I can wait. But months pass, meanwhile, in which I am giving far more than I receive. I'm also hearing about their partnership constantly as though it is Erin's only relationship, and noticing I have no visible status as one of Erin's loves--rather, Erin's entire family is rallying around Becca right now and doesn't know I exist. I have never met them, and probably never will. I'm still very new in town here, and have few friends besides Erin. I wonder sometimes what would happen if I fell ill, if Erin would be there for me. It's a terrible thought.

I never doubt Erin's love for me, but I'm beginning to doubt whether this relationship is healthy for me. She is trying hard to help me feel cared for, and I feel terrible asking her for more than she has to give right now. Worse, when I do bring up anything hard for me, she gets emotionally shut down and puts off resolving it, hinting that if our relationship requires too much processing we should shift what we're doing. Later in the same day, she'll ask me what she can do to help me feel more cared for and secure in our connection, seemingly oblivious to how hard it is for me to open up to her right now. She tells me constantly that she loves me, cares for me, wants to be good for me, wants a stable life with me. I'm beginning to doubt, however, that she'll ever follow up on these desires with concrete actions. I don't want to make a life-changing decision during this time of crisis, but I also am not sure how much longer I can go on feeling less visible, less valued, and unable to speak up about feeling hurt.

Is it time to break up? We've had a (mostly) beautiful connection for years. She's one of my best friends and I can't imagine my life without her in it. I also don't want to do that to her at a time like this, so I'm hoping there's another option. What else can I do to keep myself safe and stable in this time?

 

[Inyourendo]

Yeah I think you should find more of a primary partner and continue having a casual relationship with your girlfriend

 

[kdt26417]

Hi entelechia,

Have you thought about checking out the local dating scene, and seeking out an additional partner for yourself? If that happened, you wouldn't need to ask as much of Erin and Erin could focus on Becca as much as Becca wanted her to.

Or there's pursuing any hobbies or interests you might have to pass the time and hopefully help get your mind off the relationship problem.

I can't think of any other ideas ... I suppose if all else fails, you'll have to figure out how long you want to tolerate the situation as-is, set a due date, and if that date arrives, and you're still feeling as swept-under-the-rug as usual, then yeah you would probably want to break up with Erin. At your discretion, you could inform Erin of the due date and its implications.

Sorry things have gone down like they have; I'm assuming this isn't easy for you, Erin, or Becca.

 

[Marcus]

Is it time to break up?

That just really sucks, all around. It sucks that someone has fallen very ill, and it sucks that you are left out in the cold. No one wins in this situation.

Having said that, my personal answer to your question is a question: "do you think you haven't already broken up?"

This relationship has already been resolved, as far as I can tell. As much as it might hurt to admit, Erin has very clearly set her (her?) priorities and you are very clearly not on that list. Perhaps that will change some time down the road but I think you'd be whipping yourself bloody by sitting around waiting for that to come around. Admit the relationship has changed, you are completely out of the picture, and move on with your life.

IF... I say again IF Erin decides she wants to take ACTION I say again ACTION and involve herself in your life then that is a situation you can work out should it happen. Until that happens I don't personally see that you are left with any options. Your hand has been dealt to you... all you need to do is look at it and admit you have the cards you do and work with them.

I'm sorry for your news, none of it sounds very good. Time to go to some Meetup groups, get involved in some communities that interest you, go on a date or two... move on with your life.

 

[Dickdomin]

If only I could get the top on this box

I totally agree with KC43. Becca's relationship with Erin -- and her insecurities -- are her own to handle.

would tell Erin to stop informing you of the difficulties Becca is having. Not your responsibility!

I find people seem to come with dogs, cats, clothes, jobs, families and while I can have this fantasy about boundaries, the dogs and cats especially keep jumping the fence.

Have you ever asked the question, "Beyond my leaving, what can I do to make you more comfortable?"

Then do not offer any answers or hints, just shut up.

I come under the "Universe delivered this Pizza.mit must be exactly the perfect lesson for all involved," but then I am one of those ol' time cosmic muffin hippies.

Maybe ask a Republican.