It sounds like things are really looking up, and the counseling is probably making a considerable difference, as is the simple technique of "traveling a little" so you're sleeping over at a motel, making things a little special that way, and frankly, getting Lora a break from the kids.
I'm sorry that Lora feels so wounded/neglected by you, but based on the info I have so far in this thread, I have to say she needs to be more proactive. She has lucked out with this new guy. He happens to want to do the things that she happens to want a man to do. Doesn't really sounds like she communicates with him more (or more explicitly) than she does with you, it sounds like she hopes he'll "read her mind" and he "does" -- serendipitously.
And maybe she interprets that as, that he puts more effort into it than you do, but the truth is that he just happens to already be on the right wavelength to please her. So she doesn't have to talk to him about sex. She can just let him go at it and have an amazing time.
I have to wonder if she isn't underestimating her luck. She seems to have this idea that all men would be as great as this guy, if they'd just put more effort into it. In my opinion, it's closer to the truth that most men
*need* direction because none of them are mind-readers.
I guess some of good sex is good luck, but I suspect that most people don't realize that a lot of good sex is good communication. In other words, if you're not getting what you want, darn it, tell your partner, and give them explicit directions to put them on the right track.
Yes, I know that talking about sex seems very clinical and not very romantic. But for crying out loud, if "bad sex" is so upsetting to her that it throws her into a sobbing fit (and tempts her to hold a grudge against you that she won't forgive), then isn't a little clinical/non-romantic correction worth it? Jeezh, then she'd be getting the sexual satisfaction she wanted, and you wouldn't be buried in the role of a "neglectful bad guy" who supposedly doesn't care about her needs.
Re:
"We had a pretty good breakthrough last night. We tried something different from one of videos that was posted in this thread and Lora2 was coming out. But then we switched positions and I couldn't find the spot again and she got really frustrated."
Exactly. You
*couldn't* find the spot again. Not, you weren't trying. Not, you stopped caring. Not, you stopped bothering. Rather, you actually lost your ability to find this magic spot that everyone's always talking about. How is that something mean or neglectful on your part, that you shouldn't be forgiven for? If anything, it's just a tragic twist of bad luck for both of you, because then she's disappointed, upset in general, upset at you, and you feel like a "jerk" because you didn't do the right thing to help her.
Imagine how much happier of an ending that could all have if she'd just say, "Look honey, you're missing the spot. Let me show you where it is." And yes, even manually guide you to the spot if that's what it takes. Romantic? No. But then what's the pay-off? The pay-off is that you've then "got the spot," she's getting what she wants and feeling great about it, is no longer upset, and you no longer feel like a jerk. Wow, what a contrast! So, her "other guy" can find the spot without guidance. So what? So you need more guidance than he does. Does that make you some kind of terrible, neglectful person? Not really ...
If your partner's already getting it right, if they don't need guidance, then great, count your many blessings and have a great ride. But if your partner's screwing up, don't get all bent out of shape towards them. Show them some understanding. They're trying. They just don't get what they're supposed to do. So help them out a little, and just watch how joyfully and willingly they'll help you out in return. That's the secret to great sex. Being willing to "get clinical" and communicate explicitly when you have to, so that both partners can get back into the zone again, together.
And the best thing is, if she gets in the habit of communicating with you about what she wants/needs, then after awhile, you probably start getting the right idea on your own, and then she doesn't
*have* to talk to you about it as much. Voila! You've become just a little more like her other guy, and she gets nothing but increased pleasure out of the deal.
The point is, don't be afraid to talk about the technical details of sex --
*your* sex, you and her. In fact if she's too reluctant to talk about it, then you might as well be the proactive partner, tell her you need her help and guidance, and initiate the dialog about it. Hopefully she will be willing to be receptive to that kind of initiation.
I'm not saying I think this is all like a magic bullet that will solve all your problems overnight. I just think it's
*one* of the things you -- the two of you -- need to do to work on the problem. And please, please, ask her not to hold it against you when you're a little clueless, even if she is a lot frustrated. It's okay to be frustrated when the sex isn't flowing all smoothly like you want it to. It's just that you need a little perspective about it. Your partner is
*not* trying to rip you off. Quite the opposite, he's doing his best, and he needs your help.
If you're already trying to communicate, and she's already trying to show you what to do, then that's a very hopeful sign. Maybe what you both need is more skill at that communication -- both the telling and the hearing part. A combination of practice, and of advice and interaction with your counselor and polyamory.sbs members, might just get you there.
Okay, I'll stop rambling. I hope somewhere in this post you find just a little bit of "clinical magic" that will pay off later on down the road.
Regards,
Kevin T.
