Confused + terrible typing cos I just did my nails

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Hello,

I am new and didn't really know where to go for advice so I've rocked up here hoping some of you will have some wisdom for me because holy feck I don't have any.
I'm 29 and I've been poly since I was 19, in a very unstructured non commit all way, by which I mean I haven't had long term relationships, I've mostly had friendships and flings with a sexual element. I'm not big on commitment.
Basically I went away to another country for two years and didn't make any connections there at all during that time and before I left isolated myself for various personal reasons, I became disconnected and isolated and this was a lot easier for me for some time, but then when I felt better in myself this became really difficult to withstand so I decided to head back to my home city where all my friends and previous connections are. I'm back now and it's great. There's just one thing.
When I got back I met someone awesome who was friends of friends, let's call them errrrrrrr......... Alpine. Yeah. That's subtle. Let's just hope No one from my city reads this.
So anyways he's awesome, the sex is amazing, he's very tactile, smart and makes a lot of sense to me, we have a lot in common. This goes on for about a month and sometimes it's difficult because he has depression and needs to withdraw sometimes and be alone, that makes me feel rejected but I know it's for a reason and I need to give him space when he needs it.
It's going to get a bit gross now. Basically there was one evening where it was awkward due to a normal everyday cis female bodily function and he voiced that it was fine and I went along with that. I now suspect he was a bit grossed out, (messy) and we were both just going along with what the other thought the other was cool with. Next morning I decide it would be a clever idea to bring up relationship definitions, as in 'hey what are we' thinking maybe this was more than friendship with sex which is usually my bag, but he used the phrase 'fuck buddy' which I hate, but I went along with it.

I do get kinda confused emotionally usually, I tend to remain withdrawn for that very reason, it's easier, I hate having clouded judgement. But goddam I hate that phrase. How about 'close sexual friends' or something nicer?

So anyway there's a big party later on the weekend and for various reasons we both have a bad time and I've got a huge pile of insecurity brewing in my head, which is weird for me, I'm usually pretty chilled. I don't know why that's happening with him. We had both decided we were fine with each other sleeping around and for some strange reason which I don't get when he mentioned seeing this guy he's into I felt like I genuinely would find it hard to meet this other guy. As in actual jealousy. Why is there not a fecking cream for jealousy? Seriously. Thrush is more biologically complex, for fecks sake science!

So anyway something stressful happens at the party and I get upset and go and throw my toys out the pram and send a text saying 'I'm done'. at 5am I'm on the bus home and I get a call from him and I don't answer it because I'm feeling pretty sore and I have by now realised I am so moody and my judgement is so clouded.

I get some sleep and figure, right I've slept that usually fixes my stupid brain and gets it doing the smarts. He calls again I feel kinda emotional I answer and turns out he's had a really bad time, some of the call were being supportive to each other like we had been and some of the call I'm getting upset because I beleive he doesn't care about me. We both get upset and he says if I'm getting feelings it's not fair on me. For. Few days I'm thinking right move on like I do every time. Then later I'm like oh shit what have I done.

It's only been a month, it's not THAT too soon right? That's nuts. I'm missing the awesome sex and the companionship basically and I call and apologise and we decide to talk when he gets back from this thing he's gone on.

Since he's been really not communicative, partially because I've decided to be fecking stupid and text him like nothing happened. He only replies if I'm having a bad time to say something nice then doesn't want to have a chat. I left him alone for a bit then last weekend I got drunk and called and he didn't answer.

I have really fecked this up.

I either need to take my sexual focus off him which I know is more intense because I was celibate for two years while abroad or I don't know, I'm not sure I can fix this.

I tried distracting myself by attempting a fling with one of my friends but it did not work out at all because he kept talking in this weird baby voice and it freaked me out. Luckily the friendship with baby voice is fine.

I mean what the hell have I done here? It's such a mess!!! Help!!!
 
Hi PollyNymA,

It sounds like you want to repair your relationship with Alpine. That's fine, as long as he's willing to repair it too. If he's not, then there probably isn't much you can do to fix it. You may have to go your own way and seek other companionship.

I can't give any detailed advice because your narrative doesn't provide much detail on what caused you and Alpine to break up in the first place. I'm assuming the details don't matter a lot. What makes the most sense to me is for you to contact Alpine and tell him you feel bad about breaking up, that you want to get back together again. After that the ball is in his court.

I hope this helps a little.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Thanks for replying. I guess I'm trying to identify what the hell in doing to be honest. It's way too soon for me to be able to say I have any feelings for Alps because it was only a month and weekly hanging out, that's not enough time in my view for two people to get to know each other enough to know that and also most of that time was spent having long extended sex sessions, so perhaps even less time at that.

I don't know what I want and I don't understand why the way I relate in my relationships is changing. I have a relationship that is really stable, it's a friendship which has a cyclical sexual element that appears in winter. Let's call him.... Errrr.... Frosty. Things with him seem fine but I have to admit that doesn't seem to be how it should be either. I can't help but think it must be me.
 
I take it there is something about your relationships in general that you're not happy with?
 
Well I always have been quite happy as I go. there's something going on with the way I am attaching to people. I feel like I need more reassurance than I used to and I'm still feeling isolated in myself from when I was away. I don't want to destroy the relationships / potential relationships that matter to me because of this.
 
You're experiencing some kind of isolation? and this is affecting your relationships negatively?
 
I feel like I'm reaching for people and in the process pushing them away. It never used to be like this. I was alone for so long I feel so starved. My focus is stuck on him because I feel like I've lost something good. Nobody has ever matches my libido before or been so much like me.
 
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I am sorry you struggle.

You lived abroad for 2 years and found it isolating. You felt disconnected, missed home, etc. You were celibate and alone for so long in those 2 years that now you feel starved for connection.

FWIW? I think you were lonely and got involved too fast and too intensely with Alpine. I think you are right – you could let that chill and let it go.

You say he's awesome, the sex is amazing, he's very tactile, smart and makes a lot of sense to you, and you have a lot in common. But you don't actually communicate with him up front and honestly. Where's the connecting happening? :confused:

  • You have period sex with Alpine. He said he was fine with it. You think he was grossed out and you were both just going along with what the other thought the other was cool with. Or YOU thought it was gross and were just going along with it rather than sticking to outercourse or giving it a miss entirely.

  • You ask about the relationship status. He describes it as “fuck buddy.” You don't like the term. But you go along with it rather than asking him to use a nicer term you prefer like “close sexual friends.”

  • You attend a party together. You both agree it's ok to sleep around with others. Then he mentions seeing this guy he is into. You feel jealous and would not want to meet this guy. So maybe you aren't really ok with it. And you were “just going along” with that too.

If this “just going along” thing is a habit with you and it leads to feelings of upset? Maybe you could stop doing that behavior? :confused:

The rest was you leaving the party upset and breaking up with him. Then him calling and you guys eventually talking where he says it's not fair on you if you are developing feelings for him to continue this fuckbuddy thing.

And he is right. If you are developing feelings and not owning them or telling him about it? It's not fair to either of you. He cannot mind reader you. And if you say one thing and actually mean another, he cannot know what is going on or develop trust in your Word. And you are not getting what you actually want because you do not say.

He only wants to offer you a fuckbuddy thing. You seem to want more than that. So not compatible.

I don't get what you are apologizing for. If it isn't a match, it just isn't a match. It isn't your fault.

It almost sounds like you wanted to apologize just so you could keep access to him and the good sex and not deal with a break up. Use Alpine to fill the void.

And you keep texting him while he's away as a way to fill the void too even though you agreed to talk when he gets back and he doesn't seem to have time for chit chat when you text.

Same with the fling with Baby Voice Friend – trying to fill the void with a different warm body. Can't keep using sex to fill a connection void. Sex can be physical connection, but you seem to crave some emotional and mental connection too. Do I guess wrong? :confused:

It's not FUN to feel lonely and sad... but why all these franctic efforts to “run away” from feeling it? :confused: All feelings pass in time.

I feel like I'm reaching for people and in the process pushing them away.
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I could be wrong in my guess. But to me it sounds like you WANT to reach for people, but don't actually have honest conversations with them. You pretend your way along the relationship. Just "going along." You don't want to RISK developing actual connections with them and be vulnerable sharing the real you. Like you want them to mind reader "the real you" or "drag it out of you" or something.

Eventually all the "going along" feels hollow, and you grow resentful that the are not even noticing you are just going along with whatever. And then maybe you get mad they cannot mind reader you. So you act out.

If you want to change how you related to people? I think the solution is to be more up front and honest. STOP "just going along" with stuff. Have an opinion, voice it, risk actual back and forth relating. Risk getting to know people better and risk letting them get to know the real you better.

If you want a FWB thing, be up front about that.

If you want something else, be up front about that.

Stop "making do" and "going along" if it just ends up with you upset you aren't getting what you are really after.

If you want something, GO AFTER IT.

I feel like I need more reassurance than I used to and I'm still feeling isolated in myself from when I was away. I don't want to destroy the relationships / potential relationships that matter to me because of this.
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So you need reassurance than you used to because you are getting over being abroad and isolated. Maybe some culture shock readjustment now that you are back home. Why is that terrible? :confused:

If you had a broken leg you would tell the person -- "I cannot go hiking. I have a broken leg right now. How about a movie or concert instead?" Right?

Ask for what you need in your relationships. Communicate. Merely having some needs doesn't make you a needy cling-on kind of person.

I don't think honestly communicating in your relationships/potential relationships is going to "destroy" the relationships. Where is that idea coming from?

Galagirl
 
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Thanks, that's pretty accurate and spot on. I was never planning to meet anyone when I got back I was just going to pootle along for a few months and work a lot. And I do just go along with stuff, often my relationships are with friends or friends of friends and it's safer to go along a bit so I don't risk loosing sometimes potentially several friends. I'm sure this alpine thing is a lust thing though it just isn't possible for feelings to be a thing at this stage.
 
Could Alpine become more than just a lust thing? Do you want it to become more?
 
And I do just go along with stuff, often my relationships are with friends or friends of friends and it's safer to go along a bit so I don't risk loosing sometimes potentially several friends.
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How would stating your actual preferences lose you friends? Don't your friends want to know what you actually like?

Galagirl
 
Yeah I suppose you are right. I've found that's happened in the past so I guess I'm just reacting to current situations as if they are previous ones. Thank you :)
 
kdt26417 said:
Could Alpine become more than just a lust thing? Do you want it to become more?
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I don't know. I suppose I can't, it's not been long enough to know him well enough, I guess my judgement has been clouded by all the high intensity stuff and for all I know I won't see him again now anyway. Perhaps I will never know. Thank you. I wouldn't have confronted that without your reply. :)
 
I hope you'll see him again after all.
 
Hi pollynyma

In the end are you atching yourself to him because sex? And lust or cos you like something deeper? 😎Or would you say you scared geting hurt???☝😶
 
Thunderstrike said:
In the end are you atching yourself to him because sex? And lust or cos you like something deeper? 😎Or would you say you scared geting hurt???☝😶
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All of those things, but something deeper can't be achieved in such a short space of time, something deeper is a possibility it would have been nice to leave open. Bit late though now. This realisation is too little too late.
 
Hi pollynyma

Yes perhaps but you now realise it! 😎And it's a start on the long walk to hopefully were you wish to be ! 👍👓I hope life works better for you!
 
Thunderstrike said:
Yes perhaps but you now realise it! 😎And it's a start on the long walk to hopefully were you wish to be ! 👍👓I hope life works better for you!
Click to expand...


It's frustrating because I know this, I guess after celibacy a person is more prone to getting carried away.....
 
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