I'm Poly - Wife Identifies as Mono

C

cbfalcon

New member
Hi there -

I began identifying as poly about 6 months before I got married. My wife has always and does identify as monogamous. We've obviously struggled but continue to try and work through things. Are there any other people in similar situations? I know she'd love to have someone in her position to talk to!
 
Hello cbfalcon,

Sounds like you have a challenging situation, it is always hard to be in a mono/poly couple. Is your wife willing to let you have any additional partners and, is that something you still want to do while knowing your wife is mono?

I believe we have other members here who are in a mono/poly situation, though I can't recall the usernames right now. I did a search for mono/poly and found quite a few threads including:

I hope that helps.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
acceptance is key

cbfalcon,

It may be hard to deal with the difference, but the worst thing is to feel unaccepted. Is that the case?

If so, then I believe things can improve after each one of you gets to understand the concerns, principles and beliefs of each other. In such, she would explain her mono view while you try to understand her feelings, then next day it's your turn to explain your poly view. But don't let this turn into an argument or competition. This conversation will only be productive when free from any tension and with both are trying to accept each other's view.

Watching a film related to each other's view may help to inspire such conversation. A way to start it would be "Our conflict of views doesn't make me happy. I would feel better if at least we understood and accepted each other's view. Do you think we can try?".
 
I recently came out to my girlfriend of 7 years who currently identifies as mono about my being poly. At first she rejected it strongly, but has come around and seems to be supportive (she said she's kind of known that this was a thing as we've visited the subject of my possibly being poly several times over the years).

I'm currently trying to get her as many resources as possible to deal with this transition. Maybe she will also like others to talk to, but that may come with time.
 
Same for us

I would love to hear how your wife handles it. I feel I am alone because this is new to us and we have been together for 22 years and married for 9 years. I knew he wasn't happy and he finally confessed how he had been feeling for years but doesn't want to divorce or stop loving me.
 
I am very interested to hear how you guys work through this.

I think everyone is different. I just got out of a relationship with a mono woman, and this was the main issue (granted, there were A LOT of other issues with her, but this one was a recurring thorn from beginning to end). I think there are scenarios where this works. There are plenty of folks on this board in mono/poly set ups. So, it is possible.

The most important thing is accepting each other. If you respect and accept one another, that is the first big step. Also, if I were making a go of it with a mono partner who actually respected my poly orientation, I'd ask myself (and her) a few questions:

  • Can I be in a monogamous relationship and be happy?
  • Can she accept my dating other people?
  • If not, how will this affect my psychological well being?
  • Is this issue a deal breaker?

I think exploratory conversations like that are a great start. Also, COMPLETE honesty. Don't say what you think the other person wishes to hear. That only makes problems fester. Good luck!
 
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